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Jokes

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Mark Russell, Aug 22, 2006.

Tags:
  1. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
    to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
    to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
    him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
    nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
    contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
    go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
    against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
    ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
    breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
    butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

    How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you
    heard someone coming.... that was me."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  2. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    My personal favourite is the announcement RE: the low esteem group :empathy:

    The Church Ladies are back with Bloopers


    Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
    --------------------------
    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
    --------------------------
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
    --------------------------
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    --------------------------
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
    --------------------------
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
    --------------------------
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------
    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------
    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
    -------------------------
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
    "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
     
  3. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerer's Action group.
    She had tried every technique in the book.

    Finally, exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born,
    without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your
    muscles ache and your eyes water."

    The Englishman piped up.
    "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

    "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,
    "Who's next ?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
    "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley"..

    "That's no better, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

    "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about
    living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused
    for breath and Paddy said . . . . . ..






    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".


    ;) D
     
  4. Captain Patte

    Captain Patte Welcome New Poster

    A short one, but it always makes the oldies laugh.

    * did you hear Lionel Richie has opened an Islamic butcher? it's called "Halal, is it meat your looking for?"


    And one for after a couple of drinks:

    " i went to the doctor the other day, thought i'd get a check up to find out why I've been feeling so tired lately..
    Anyway, i get this gorgeous female doctor, she's checking my blood pressure, heart beat etc.

    Finally she sits back down and says "look, i don't know how to tell you this, but you need to stop masturbating"
    I'm shocked and say "why??"
    To which she replies " I'm trying to give you a check up"

    Boom tish!!
     
  5. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

    When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

    'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

    The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.

    We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

    Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

    It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

    'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B&Q either.'

    D;)
     
  6. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
    Presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?

    The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

    'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

    'Don't you realise I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

    'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all Eternity?' persisted Satan?

    'Yep,' was the calm reply.

    'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

    'Nope,' said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of Me?'

    The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

    D;)
     
  7. fatboy

    fatboy Active Member

    The thread about Prader-Willi syndrome made me wonder if the female version is called Gucci-Fanni...
     
  8. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

    Guess where I am now...
     
  9. Griff

    Griff Moderator

    I asked a monkey to name some films suitable for my kids... he gave me some PG tips

    I entered a German sausage contest the other day... I thought mine was the best but turned out it was the wurst
     
  10. lucycool

    lucycool Active Member

    While studying in 1st year, my study buddy and I learnt "superficial-callous-expealidocious"

    Prob not funny, but after a lot of coffee we found it hilarious!
     
  11. blinda

    blinda MVP

    A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
    door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
    standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife..

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
    there!"
    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

    I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
    pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
     
  12. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    The pencil...

    Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.

    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

    'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

    When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.

    The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

    A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

    But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

    'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

    The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

    Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

    This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

    The nun fainted.
     
  13. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Due to considerable “gentle reader” demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. Yes, he was brilliant!!



    ENJOY :D



    1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

    2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

    3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
    'No, the steaks are too high.'

    6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    7 .. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

    9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
    'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
    'No, because he's really heavy'

    14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
    'How's that?'
    'Don't you start.'

    15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
    I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

    18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

    19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

    20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

    22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
    The doctor said, ‘Well don't go there anymore’

    23.. Ireland ’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  14. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Watched the TV the night he died. Still feel guilty that I said aloud: ' Don't like Tommy Cooper, don't care if he drops down dead now!'

    What power!

    Felt guilty ever since.

    :boohoo:

    In all seriousness though. I never hear his name without regretting those words.

    Sometimes, even when you know you are not responsible it doesn't make you feel any better. Just less judgemental.

    :empathy:
     
  15. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly

    All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

    Are you ready for this............?

    All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

    Punctuation is powerful.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  16. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Twirly

    Remind me NEVER to upset you !!!:eek: :D

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  17. Hey Del - how funny was that alzehimers joke I sent you last night?
     
  18. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Not old enough to fall for that one Mark

    Nice try :D
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  19. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    As if!

    xxx
     
  20. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member


    Husbands!

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
    head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
    it that I found in your pants pocket'.
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
    of the horse I bet on'
    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
    head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
     
  21. Griff

    Griff Moderator

    My Mrs called me an irritating, annoying b**tard yesterday.

    I was so shocked I nearly choked on my Vuvuzela...
     
  22. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    A tale of love..............​
    ;)

    Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me, whip me!" :deadhorse:

    Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

    About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

    The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did.

    Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so ........ because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen". :rolleyes:
     
  23. fatboy

    fatboy Active Member

    Can we get your thoughts on Vernon Kay?

    *crosses fingers*
     
  24. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Sorry sweety. :empathy:

    My powers are safely locked away.

    However, exceptions may be made: :butcher:

    1. Blind referees :craig:

    2. Bad people :mad:

    3. Smelly boys ;)

    4. The man who lets his dog poo outside our gate every bloody day!
    5. Rip off merchants

    Oh! & 6. the little voices....................

    Now where did I put that key???? :confused:
     
  25. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    He must live around here Mand I get the same problem at times.

    Nothing starts the day better than dog sh!t trodden in the waiting room carpet by the unsuspecting first patient or worse into the surgery as well :mad:

    I have the one that cleared up and left the bag full of sh!t on my garden wall on cctv.

    Cant wait to meet him:butcher:
    cheers
    D;)
     
  26. fatboy

    fatboy Active Member

    I thought you said sweaty, i was about to complain to rightguard...
     
  27. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Several men are in the locker room at the golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



    MAN: 'Hello'

    WOMAN: 'Darling, it's me. Are you at the club ?'

    MAN: 'Yes'

    WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?'

    MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

    WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership on the way here and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

    MAN: 'How much ?'

    WOMAN: '£65,000

    MAN: 'OK, but for that price please make sure you haggle for all the optional extras.'

    WOMAN: 'Great ! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000.

    MAN: 'Well, if you still like it that much, why not make an offer of £700K. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's worth it.'

    WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later ! I love you so much !'

    MAN: 'Bye ! I love you, too.'

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


    He turns and asks:

    " Anyone know who this phone belongs to ?"
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  28. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
    in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with
    Daisy.

    The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

    Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

    'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
    So
    Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
    if they had condoms.

    'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

    The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

    'No!' Donald quacked,


    'I'll thuffocate'

    Soorrry Had to be done :D
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  29. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

    At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

    The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

    Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go back ana' pick her up."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  30. Where are you going on your hols, then?
     

    Attached Files:

  31. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Mark

    Nice to see ENGLAND is not cited in your map for wrong doing !!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:.................

    Must be just the football team then :D

    Cheers M8

    D;)
     
  32. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
    'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
    The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

    'Try it now,' said one bee.

    The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

    The bee answered,




    Wait for it. wait for it.




    You're just gonna love this.


    BP

    Sorreeeee


    Cheers

    D;)
     
  33. I told this joke at school, but mine was 2 bees and a fly and the car only runs on BP for show and tell when I was 6-7 years old. The teacher was not happy but Dad laughed after the teacher told him my joke, which went did not go down so well.
     
  34. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    OK OK just coz you heard it before , don't go on :D

    Not long ago then ??? (puppy:))

    Think back and enjoy both moments :D

    A smile is all this is about ( and I did apologise :D )
    Cheers
    D ;)
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2010
  35. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Summer camp

    Dear Mum,

    Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

    Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

    Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

    The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

    Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

    We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

    We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

    Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

    This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

    Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

    Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

    Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

    I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and
    buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.


    Are your kids going to summer camp this year?

    :eek:






















     
  36. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Inner peace

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

    Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

    So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a chox of bocolets.
    Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
    Preas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

    After a day with Isaacs in my surgery looking at my ping o grams and tellin me how "oooo look they are pronating right the way through" do I need the above inner peace :D:D:D


    cheers (hic)
    D;)
     
  37. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

    "Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

    "Fine,” I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."

    "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  38. Peter

    Peter Well-Known Member

    2 flies sitting on a lump of dog $h!t.

    One fly cocks his leg and passes out a rip snorting fart.

    The other fly stops eating, looks at his friend in disgust and says......................





    its coming.............










    nearly there....................



    " Do you mind, I'm eating"
     
  39. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Apologies for rude words!

    I didn't write it. Only sharing. ;)


    THE WOMAN POEM:

    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man who's not a creep.
    One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
    One who loves to listen long.
    One who thinks before he speaks.
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's rich and self-employed,
    And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
    Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
    Massage my feet and help me stand.
    Oh, send a king to make me queen.
    A man who loves to cook and clean.
    I pray this man will love no other.
    And relish visits with my mother.




    THE MAN POEM:

    I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
    big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
    and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

    This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
     
  40. Anyone ever had the pleasure of undergoing a colonoscopy? I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy recently as I was experiencing some unusual stool colours.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Birmingham.Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A doctor claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Brighton , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



    And the best one of all:
    'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2016

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