The Corn Virus

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It has been noted before, here and elsewhere, that i can become unhealthily frustrated from time to time. I try to keep on top of this but some days...

I found this today whilst sorting out my clutter draw. It was brought to me by a patient who wanted to know if i knew of anyone who could "suck corns out". It came, i'm told, from the Mail (a newspaper with a wide circulation in britain for those who don't know)!

Take the time to read it. It really is a classic. Watch out for the corns with stalks...



So there you have it. They're caused by viruses, sucked out by men with goat horns and can be cured my marigold eating into the stalk.

Hurrah for Britains "Intergrated health expert" (whatever the hell one of those is).

Some days... :

Regards
Robert

 

Fret not Robert my friend,

Please find enclosed my gift to you.

http://www.lavenderfanatic.com/

An entire web page devoted to the calming effect of lavender.

Enjoy with all my love XXX

Not being an expert on HPV corns I should refrain from commenting on the actual artical although I can feel your vibes of anguish through my 'puter screen. :empathy:

Am off now to burn all my Dermy lecture notes & hold a ceremonial text book bonfire in my garden.

PS. Could you recommend a Guy?

Mand'

:sinking:

 

Thats funny. I do recall a patient ~15yrs ago who was holidaying from the sub-continent. She wanted her painful corn removed and got somewhat angry when I did not remove the the "3-4 inches of root that it has like they did at home". Someone "at home" was obviously pulling a fast one on her, but I could not convince her otherwise.

 

Dear All,

For years i have been using extract of Frangipanni as a very successful t/t modality for the t/t of recalcitrant Viral Corns.igs:

These differ from corns as they have roots which are approx 23.74532 mm long. ( based on a random sample of one).

The major hurdle to this t/t is the cost which while subsatntial is still excellent value for money as it kills 99% of known germs. :deadhorse:

This t/t is only available from a p.o. box in the British Virgin Islands and payment can only be made in US dollars so the price is $499.99 for 28 eight ampules of pure extract.

For further details please contact me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just love these experts who pontificate on subjects they know little about and yet have credence by the very fact they are published in a jounal.

regards David:drinks

ps dear twirly what kind of GUY are you looking for?

 

Dear Mr DAVOhorn,

My requirements are simple.

1) Elderly.
2) Frail.
3) Financially secure OHAC
4) Generous.
5) No known relatives would be a bonus.
6) Poor short term memory following will alterations.
7) Impotant.

Kind regards,

PS. I am of course, in rude health & very kind, considerate with a loving nature.

PPS. Failing all of the given requirements, the ability to ignite easily would be a bonus.

X

:butcher:

 

Excellent newspaper article!!

Way to go, Dr. Ali.

Where did you buy your Doctorate, Afghanistan?

A pleasure to read the newspaper article, it has been a long time since I have read such a fine concentration of Grade A, first-class, unmitigated Bollocks.

I have so much to tell my next patient presenting with a painful corn.

Can anyone recommend a trusted supplier of Goat-horns?

 

Unbelievably but true, I had a patient who recieved this treatment.
When travelling in India one of the local healers "sucked out her corn with a goat horn". She was very happy with the treatment and could not understand why we still keep cutting them away.
I have to say I didn't really believe her at the time, but how can i argue with Dr Ali

 

You disappoint me!

The reluctance of this profession to embrace new knowledge and new information is a significant stumbling block to the progression of our clinical expertise. After all this guy is clearly a well respected doctor and obviously knows what he is talking about! Why do you all insist on holding to the old "caused by pressure" dogma just because it was what was taught in college. Think holistically dudes! Free your minds! "western" medicine does not hold all the answers.

I shall certainly be looking for corn stalks from now on. I wonder if one could duplicate the ancient art of sucking corns out with a wide guage needle mounted on some kind of mouthpiece.

Kind regards
Robert

 

Dear Twirly,

If you have been in practice for a while you should have many pts in your practice that fit the bill.

The flammable bit is easy just make sure they are on pure oxygen and offer them a cigarette after they have signed the will and not had a fatal heart attack after the bout of sexual activity you so generously offered. The post coital cigarette according to the movies is a prerequisite for the man about to be MURDERED by his recent sexual partner.:butcher:

I had a recent pt who was terminal and on oxygen and he liked nothing better than a laugh, trouble was

He would nearly die laughing :butcher: and would end up gasping his last while taking his broncho dilators and huge gasps of O2. Put one off having a laugh i can tell you.

Still i am not that old
Not that frail
I managed to finance my new life in the southern hemisphere
I am a kindly soul
Both parents and brother alive and well and both the nephew and niece well
Memory so so i think but im not too sure
Not sure if you meant i should be important or IMPOTENT i can assure you i am neither
Ability to self immolate reminds me of a joke where a man asks his sexual partner of the female variety if she smoked after sex?

her reply

I dont know Brian, i have never looked!!!!!!!!!!!!!:drinks

And you desribe yourself as

Sick as a dog

Rough as a Badgers arse

and a spiteful creature

if i interperet the inuendo correctly.

regards from the southern hemisphere

David not so young , free, very single , sorry i am just wiping a tear away from my eye as i contemplate another night alone.:boohoo:

 

Mandy

You wrote

and

Robert wrote

Is this the Guy you'de like to burn.

LoL Dave

PS for non brits go here for an explaination

 

Robert

That's a classic and should go straight into the hall of fame - or shame - not sure which actually.

Dave

 

Possibly the hall of famous shame? Or Shameful fame?

 

Dearest DAVOhorn,

Thank you for your recent application.

However, I feel saddened in the need to decline your most generous offer as a suiter.

You listed:

Your application was a failure for the following reasons:

1. Frailty was a prerequisite in the initial proposal.
2. Initially appeared to be very promising but was let down by No. 4
3. Generousity = a wonderful trait in any man.
4. Already explained in item 2.
5. Now at this point of ponderance you were almost onto a winner.
And finally No 6.
My thoughts are if you're going to be impotant, look impotant & wear a well cut suit.

I wish you every success in finding a significant other in Australia. I understand the ladies there are also familiar in the art of love. :empathy:


PS. You also included in your application an alarmingly accurate description of me.

I feel at this point I should ask. ''Were we married?''

Much love & kindest regards,

The Yorkshire dating agency.

 

Twirly

You're wasted! (not the type of wasted I've seen, like at certain public haunts we have frequented after meetings )

You should be writing a virtual agony aunt column for Pod A or a Yorkshire magazine.

I say Yorkshire because as a Lancashire man myself we clearly groom our women to be far more respectful of us men folk and I know that Lancashire men have no known failings. In spite of spurious claims by some Lancashire women that their men lack perspective and reality!!

Ian

 

Dear Twirly,

I misjudged you, your compassionate brush has only lead me to look at the very sharp knife in my hand.

I do not believe we have exchanged vows as i beleiev my previous significant other is currently terrifying the residents of a Spanish bar/bistro.

As a simple question where did your previous fail in your requirements.

Mine legged it while i was abroad planning our emigration to warmer foreign climes.:empathy:

Still i am here in COLD WET SYDNEY enjoying my new life.

The sheilas here have short arms and long powerful legs and worryingly very long tails and also a built in handbag. And boy can they drink.:drinks

regards David

well another rebuff, this mating game gets hard when one gets into midlife.:boohoo:

 

Dearest DAVOhorn,

He insisted on breathing & was determined to maintain keeping his pulse. :hammer:

Plus in addition his family worshipped the ground I was going into. Can't imagine why?

His mother was one of the few women I have ever met with callouses on her knuckles (from walking on all fours I believe).

Other than that I had few complaints.

 

Dear Twirly,

we have women here like that , but it is not their genetic disposition that causes it. Here a certain select group of women from JoBurg Souf africa of a minority religious group have so many rocks on their fingers that the weight causes them to drag their knuckles on the ground , plus their fingers are inordinately long this way they can get even more rocks on their fingers. Also they really do miss JoBurg as their servants there were not allowed to travel here with them and the Aboriginal community here have not filled this role vacated by the African.

As an aside a memeber of this community today at lunch walked staright past me in the queue for my sandwich. Noticing my displeasure at this conduct of hers she said did i walk in front of you?

I replied that she had in deed and she sheepishly returned to the back of the queue very ****** and indignant. Obviously in Joburg this behaviour is appreciated by the male of the species there. So sexual equality is alive and well and manners maketh man. Women have the vote so they can stand in line like the rest of us.


Few further complaints hmmm a woman of reason i m impressed.

My ex's family actually liked me, must have been where i went wrong.:boohoo:

The other type of sheila i have met here is very quiet and stays remakably still while slowly eating and chewing a narcotic plant leaf. They have a very nice fur coat too. I beleive they are called KOOLA or something along those lines.

Anyway it is still chucking it down here.:sinking:

Good thing i am 860ft above sea level here in my suburb

regards David

an exiled scot