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Emails that keep you sane

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by markjohconley, Jun 29, 2006.

Tags:
  1. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member


    Members do not see these Ads. Sign Up.
    here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. Printed on

    * on the bottom of "Tesco's Tiramisu dessert"
    -- "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN"

    *On Boot's CHILDRENS Cough Medicine
    -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

    *On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding
    -- "Product will be hot after heating."

    *On a Sears hairdryer
    -- "Do not use while sleeping."

    *On a bag of Fritos
    -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

    *On some Swanson frozen dinners
    -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

    *On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

    and it goes on, thanks zoe bailey, keep them coming!!
     
  2. mahtay2000

    mahtay2000 Banya Bagus Makan Man

    On a Podiatrists window:
    'TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS!'
     
  3. One Foot In The Grave

    One Foot In The Grave Well-Known Member

    On my Tumble Dryer:

    "Do not place wet clothing in chamber."
     
  4. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    I guess it must be my age.

    I have in recent years taken more interest in the 'hatch, match & despatch' section in the local paper & only then do I read the news.

    The lonely hearts column also holds my interest (not for myself you understand). I am blissfully happy :D A little like taking an interest in meat recipes although I am a vegetarian. ;)

    The following was forwarded to me & I thought I would share. I particularly enjoyed the accountants ad. :D



    Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
    Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
    sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
    Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08



    Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03



    Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
    in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
    Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .



    Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
    seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
    this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41



    Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
    few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
    more Box 84/87



    Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
    writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
    seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
    bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
    journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32



    Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
    include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
    functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45



    Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
    arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
    chest. Box 40/27



    Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
    dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
    dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
    Box 52/07



    Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
    competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
    seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent
    comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
    Box 30/41



    Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
    the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
     
  5. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    On the paint stripper heat gun i use for adjusting AFOs

    "do not use as a hair dryer"

    Easy mistake. But you can always see the blokes who did'nt read it :D;)

    Robert
     
  6. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    For those of us who sometimes get our words fuddled.................

    Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out 100 can.

    i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

    :eek:
     
  7. Peter

    Peter Well-Known Member

    On a packet of nuts.........

    " Warning, contains nuts"
     
  8. drsarbes

    drsarbes Well-Known Member

    On a can of Campbell's "Soup for One"

    "heat it up, or don't heat it up, who cares, you're alone!"
     
  9. Kevin Kirby

    Kevin Kirby Well-Known Member

    Mandy: :good:

    Eggscellent post!!!:D I love this....but it still looks bad when you are a trained medical professional and can't spell correctly.......
     
  10. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    The Summary of Life




    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.




    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
    Once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus.



    SUCCESS:

    At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
    At age 17 success is . . Having a drivers license.
    At age 35 success is . . Having money.
    At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
    At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
    At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
     
  11. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    This should be the banner for pod arena emblazoned proudly for the encouragement of those with the courage to brave the community with a new idea!

    Here's to you guys!

    :drinks

    Robert
     
  12. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    Pack of Dogs Attacking a Crocodile in the Kruger Park

    At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

    The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator," can still fall victim to implemented "team work" strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival-of-the-pack mentality" bred into the canines.

    See the remarkable photograph below, courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.

    I have put the picture as a link rather than embedded it as its not for the faint of heart...

    http://veldfire.info/files/dogs_croc.jpg
     
  13. Griff

    Griff Administrator

    This table was for sale on e-bay.

    How can you tell it is being sold by a man?



    -
     

    Attached Files:

  14. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Aw Ian,

    Can't you ask normal questions like something about quantum physics instead please?

    Regards,

    Confused of Conisbrough.
     
  15. Griff

    Griff Administrator

    Hey Mandy,

    Go back to the picture and take a little look in the mirror ;-)

    Ian
     
  16. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Oh my!

    :eek:

    Upon reflection I see what you were getting at. :eek:

    It's just like a mans.

    But smaller. :D

    & there I was scrutinising the bloody table arrangement!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2009
  17. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    Me too :eek:

    And to think i put my gory picture as a link to spare everybody!

    Robert
     
  18. blinda

    blinda Well-Known Member

    I don`t know why, but i was drawn to the mirror before i looked at the table! :eek:They say dermatology is all about detail...
     
  19. fatboy

    fatboy Well-Known Member

    1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
    *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

    2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

    3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle', which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

    4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

    5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

    6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

    7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

    8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

    9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

    10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

    Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
     
  20. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member


    For your male attention: All (yes I mean ALL) women have a ready supply of FLU strength remedies available for MAN FLU symptoms. Personally I advise to dose the patient (beloved) well with MAX strength & usher them to bed.

    Men please note: To assist & aid in love & recovery. :empathy:

    Women please note: If the whining darlings are upstairs in bed you can't hear the groaning.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EElqrgk4N0

    Girls, enjoy the peace & wish they could give birth. ;)
     
  21. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

  22. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    MPs expenses!

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8039273.stm

    Personally, I think those involved should answer criminal charges of theft/fraud. :craig:

    When I worked for the National Health Service I submitted a travel/petrol claim each month. If the claim was found to be inaccurate I would have been subject to 1) disciplinary action by the Trust. 2) criminal prosecution on the Trusts behalf & 3) potentially I could have been struck off by the HPC for such activities.

    In private practice if there is a discrepancy in my tax returns the weight of the tax investigation team would land firmly upon my shoulders & demand up to 7 years (I believe) accounts for scrutiny.

    IMO (think you can tell I'm bloody angry) thieves don't always carry swag bags & wear a mask. Some wear Saville Row suits & are educated privately. :mad:


    The hair cut

    One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
    asked about his bill and the barber replies, ' I cannot accept money
    from you. I'm doing community service this week. ' The florist was
    pleased and left the shop.

    When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
    ' thank you ' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

    Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
    bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm
    doing community service this week. ' The policeman is happy and leaves the
    shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ' thank
    you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
    he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept
    money from you. I'm doing community service this week. ' The professor
    is very happy and leaves the shop..

    The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ' thank
    you ' card and a dozen different books, such as ' How to Improve
    Your Business ' and ' Becoming More Successful. '

    Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
    to pay his bill the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week. ' The Member of Parliament
    is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
    Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
    the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament
     
  23. neilmalc

    neilmalc Member

    Hi,
    Read in The Mail yesterday about the Essex shopkeeper who put the following sign in his window

    "ONLY 2 MP's ALLOWED IN AT A TIME"

    Seems they are even giving schoolkids a good name!

    Neil.
     
  24. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

    And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!"

    And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

    And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

    And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

    And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

    And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

    And Man put on more pounds.

    God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

    And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".

    And Satan said "It is good."

    And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

    And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.


    THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
    After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
    1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
     
  25. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    5 spare minutes? Find out all about your birthday. :morning:

    Click on 'Birthday Calculator.'
    It tells you how many hours and
    How many seconds you have been alive on this earth and when
    You were probably conceived. :eek:
    How cool is that?
    After you've finished reading the info, click again,
    And see what the moon looked like the night you
    Were born. Who says our time clocks aren't ticking...
    Enjoy.


    http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp
     
  26. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    How time changes our expectations: :rolleyes:


    Original List:
    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer thing
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    10. An imaginative, romantic lover



    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
    1. Nice looking
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at my jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one tie
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    10. Seeks romance at least once a week



    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
    1. Not too ugly
    2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
    4. Nods head when I'm talking
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends



    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Remembers your name on occasion
    10. Shaves some weekends



    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
    1. Doesn't scare small children
    2. Remembers where bathroom is
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    7. Usually wears some clothes
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet.


    NB. This does not apply to me personally. I am blissfully happy. However, I do love the revised list of 2 age 72 :D
     
  27. fatboy

    fatboy Well-Known Member

    Swine Flu side effects...
     

    Attached Files:

  28. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    I can see this sign hanging in the waiting room
     

    Attached Files:

  29. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Not wishing anyone to believe I agree with the following. Just sharing. :rolleyes:

    MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE



    NICKNAMES



    · If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.



    · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.





    EATING OUT



    · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



    · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.





    MONEY



    · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.



    · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.





    BATHROOMS



    · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.



    · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.





    ARGUMENTS



    · A woman has the last word in any argument.



    · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





    FUTURE



    · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



    · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..





    SUCCESS



    · A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.



    · A successful woman is one who can find such a man.





    MARRIAGE



    · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



    · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.





    DRESSING UP



    · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



    · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.





    NATURAL



    · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



    · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.





    OFFSPRING



    · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



    · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
     
  30. Kevin Kirby

    Kevin Kirby Well-Known Member

    Mandy:

    Great posting......made me chuckle!:good:
     
  31. mike weber

    mike weber Well-Known Member

    Click on the link below got the stair one as an email and found the website, with a few more things to keep the day light hearted.


    http://thefuntheory.com/
     
  32. Donnchadhjh

    Donnchadhjh Well-Known Member

    "Life isn't like a box of Chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeno's, what you get today could burn your ass tomorrow."

    "If everything in life is going your way, you really need to start to worry because you are in the wrong damned lane!"

    Two quotes I picked up recently that made me smile.
     
  33. Griff

    Griff Administrator

    Just got this email today and it tickled me.

    What to do when you are bored at work ...

    1. Kill a few Flies

    2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.

    3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.

    Here are a few examples...
     

    Attached Files:

  34. Griff

    Griff Administrator

    More pics...
     

    Attached Files:

  35. Mark Russell

    Mark Russell Well-Known Member

    I had a rather touching email recently from a friend who drinks quite a lot, so much so that his wife finally ran out of patience and told him if he came home drunk again she was going to leave him. So he went out and drank quite a lot and threw up over himself and he told his friend who he was drinking with that he was finished if he went home. His friend told him to put twenty pounds in his inside jacket pocket and to tell his wife that someone had been sick all over him and gave him the money to pay for the dry cleaning bill.

    He went home and his wife took one look at him and started to pack her bags and he said "No, no, no wait, this man threw up over me and he gave me this twenty pound note to pay for the dry cleaning" and she replied "Why are you holding two twenty pound notes?" and quick as anything he said, "Oh, yes the other one is from the man who shat in my pants..."
    :drinks
     
  36. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    capital C Class! mr russell, am now forwarding on to the masses
     
  37. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Girls getaway weekend



    Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials etc.



    Two days before they are leaving, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.



    Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.



    Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.



    "Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?"



    "Well, I've been here since last night.......yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?"



    I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit! He took my hand and lead me into the bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles burning and rose petals scattered..........on the bed he had handcuffs and ropes. He told me tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now you can do whatever you want"



    So here I am. :D


    Just proves girls think differently to boys ;)
     
  38. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"




    He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?


    :rolleyes:
     
  39. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    Thanks Twirly, my Terri cacked herself!
     
  40. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    lol Did she have $20 in her hand? :D
     
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