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Emails that keep you sane

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by markjohconley, Jun 29, 2006.

Tags:
  1. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Green Thing
    In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told the older woman that plastic
    bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and
    explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

    That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then,
    they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store.
    The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and
    refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But
    they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

    In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator
    in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and
    didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two
    streets. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

    Back then, they washed the baby’s nappies because they didn’t have the
    throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
    machine burning up 1250 watts – wind and solar power really did dry the
    clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters,
    not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn’t have
    the green thing back in her day.

    Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
    room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a
    screen the size of the County of Norfolk. In the kitchen, they blended and
    stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for
    you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded
    up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

    Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut
    the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
    working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills
    that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing
    back then.

    They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup
    or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled
    pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades
    in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade
    got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school
    or rode the school bus, instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi
    service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of
    sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized
    gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in
    space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

    But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her
    day.

    WAIT! – that was MY day too!


    Mine as well, Hah Hum :morning:
    cheers
    D;)
     
  2. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Gentle exercise for the more mature. I tried it, I liked it, you will too!The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!
    SCROLL DOWN.............



















































    NOW SCROLL UP..That's enough for the first day. Great job.Have a glass of wine.
     
  3. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I found my dyslexic mate covering his willy with black boot polish early on Sunday morning.

    I said: “You idiot, you’re supposed to turn your clock back!”................

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  4. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
    THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
    LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
    THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

    EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF
    BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.


    HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

    SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD
    BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


    THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS
    DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
    UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD,
    LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

    SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
    AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
    WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO
    HIS SHORTS.

    SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
    WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
    FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

    THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR
    LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE
    HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

    ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
    BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

    SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY
    YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T
    LISTEN TO YOU'.

    'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

    'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
    OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

    'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK
    I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!


    :eek:
     
  5. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
    - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


    <><>
    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
    - Eleanor Roosevelt
    <><>
    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
    - Mark Twain
    <><>
    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
    - George Burns
    <><>
    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    - Victor Borge
    <><>
    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    - Mark Twain
    <><>
    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    - Socrates
    <><>
    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - Groucho Marx
    <><>
    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
    - Jimmy Durante
    <><>
    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
    <><>
    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
    - Alex Levine
    <><>
    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    - Rodney Dangerfield
    <><>

    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    - Spike Milligan
    <><>
    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
    - Joe Namath
    <><>
    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    - Bob Hope
    <><>
    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
    - W. C. Fields
    <><>
    (My favorite!) We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    - Will Rogers
    <><>
    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    - Winston Churchill
    <><>
    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
    - Phyllis Diller
    <><>
    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    - Billy Crystal
    <><>

    And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.




    May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
    may nothing but happiness come through your door.


    Cheers
    D ;)
     
  6. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    >IN CASE YOU DIDN'T
    ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, IT MIGHT MAKE YOU CHUCKLE
    WHEN YOU READ IT.
    >
    > ON JULY 20, 1969,
    > AS COMMANDER OF THE
    APOLLO 11
    > LUNAR MODULE,
    > NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST
    PERSON
    > TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
    >
    > HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER
    STEPPING ON THE MOON,
    > "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
    > ONE
    GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"
    > WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH
    > AND HEARD
    BY MILLIONS.*
    >
    > BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER,
    >
    HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK -
    > "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".
    >
    >
    MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT
    > IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
    >
    CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
    >
    > HOWEVER, UPON
    CHECKING,
    > THERE WAS NO GORSKY
    > IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN
    >
    OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
    >
    > OVER THE YEARS,
    > MANY PEOPLE
    QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG
    > AS TO WHAT THE -
    > 'GOOD LUCK, MR.
    GORSKY'
    > - STATEMENT MEANT,
    > BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST
    SMILED.
    >
    > ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA ,
    > WHILE
    ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
    > A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE
    26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
    > ARMSTRONG.
    > THIS TIME HE FINALLY
    RESPONDED.
    > MR. GORSKY HAD DIED,
    > SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE
    COULD NOW.
    > ANSWER THE QUESTION.
    >
    > IN 1938,
    > WHEN HE WAS
    A KID
    > IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN ,
    > HE WAS PLAYING
    BASEBALL
    > WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
    > HIS FRIEND HIT THE
    BALL,
    > WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD
    > BY THEIR BEDROOM
    WINDOW.
    >
    > HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
    > AS HE
    LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
    > ARMSTRONG HEARD
    > MRS.
    GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY -
    >
    > "SEX!
    > YOU WANT SEX?!

    > YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR
    > WALKS ON THE MOON!"
    >

    > TRUE STORY.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  7. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    ALERTS TO
    > THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE :
    >
    > >
    >
    > >BY JOHN CLEESE
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
    > the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised
    > their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels
    > may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English
    > have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
    > ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
    > Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level
    > was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The Scots have raised their threat level from "****** Off" to "Let's get the
    > Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
    > used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
    > level from "Run" to "Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
    > "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
    > destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
    > military capability.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
    > "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
    > Operations" and "Change Sides."
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
    > "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
    > "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
    > are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
    > These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can
    > get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
    > "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
    > think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
    > canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
    > escalation level.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
    > >-- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person

    cheers
    D;)
    >
    > >
    >
    > >
    >
     
  8. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    :good:

    My favourite email of the year Del'.


    :D x She wot twirls x
     
  9. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

    I told them to f .... off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  10. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.

    Furious, she screams,
    "You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"

    The husband replies,
    "For Heavens sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........."
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  11. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.
    So here are some codes for the seniors:


    ATD - At the Doctor's

    BFF - Best Friends Funeral

    BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

    CBM - Covered by Medicare

    CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

    DWI - Driving While Incontinent

    FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

    FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

    FYI - Found Your Insulin

    GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

    GHA - Got Heartburn Again

    HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

    IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

    LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

    OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

    OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

    ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

    TTYL - Talk to You Louder

    WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

    WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

    WTP - Where's the Prunes

    WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

    GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!
     
  12. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions,
    stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage
    and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

    "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

    "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
    Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
    There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week,
    along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

    "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit."

    "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  13. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin; 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

    I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do."

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

    On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.


    The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.



    Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
    All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
    I said "You're pulling my leg"


    I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
    They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
    At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


    My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
    Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


    What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

    One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

    An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
    She says yes, I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times, too


    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
    Do you think I should change dentists?


    A wife says to her husband: you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
    He says: what do you expect? - You’re in a wheel chair.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said: you're obviously not listening.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  14. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Last edited: Jul 10, 2011
  15. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    Del, only two of the questions count, the others are 'fill'. they ask which colour. as there's 5 colours and 5 numbers in each colour, they've got it down to 5. then later they ask which house is it in >> they've spread the 5 numbers of each colour in separate houses so that's how they work it out, Mark
     
  16. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Hi Mark

    Thanks for that :D

    I'll pass it on to the young ones
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  17. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL

    THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!








    Compared with Petrol......

    Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?


    This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.


    Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.

    Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.

    Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.

    Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.

    Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.

    Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.

    Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.
    And this is the REAL KICKER.

    Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
    £21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.

    (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

    You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.

    Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?


    So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it ..... but it is true ........)

    £5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)





    So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

    Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  18. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

  19. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those’ moments.
    Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight on the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.
    I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, etc.
    Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
    I've included a photo (below) of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. It also works well in cars
    (and Fire Engines!) also with grandchildren!.
     

    Attached Files:

  20. Jacqui Walker

    Jacqui Walker Active Member

    WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I ****** in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
    know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
    _________________________________________________

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance.
    Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to smack
    you!!" Five minutes later......Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
    ________________________________________________

    An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
    ________________________________________________

    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's
    room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
    _________________________________________________

    It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
    particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the vicar leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the vicar's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."
    _______________________________________________

    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
    "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom?"
    _________________________________________________

    A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His
    mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
    teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
    _________________________________________________

    One day a year one teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
    farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
     
  21. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Should children witness childbirth? Good question.
    Here's your answer.
    Due to a power failure, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Baby Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his bum again!'


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  22. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Wife’s Diary:


    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

    I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .




    Husband's Diary:

    A four putt------ who ****ing four putts?


    Cheers

    D;)
     
  23. neilnev

    neilnev Active Member

    DTT - after a morning of brainless nonsense her in NHS management land, you totally cracked me up. You are, indeed, my hero :)

    And as a special reward, here's one for you (or yous, as we say in Liverpool)

    A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.
    "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man.
    "That's my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away" explains the man.
    "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man.
    "No, they are all at the funeral."
     
  24. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Your very welcome Neil glad you enjoy :drinks

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  25. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Last edited: Aug 25, 2011
  26. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
    I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
    "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked..
    "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

    She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"


    cheers
    D;)
     
  27. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    This would get the blood pumping!! well worth a look


    Do you fancy a go at this!!

    Best way to see the Grand Canyon perhaps:D

    http://videos2view.net/jetman.htm


    Enjoy

    cheers
    D;)
     
  28. Jacqui Walker

    Jacqui Walker Active Member

    :eek:That explains why my son's watch was so expensive!! Don't know whether the guy is brave or daft?!
     
  29. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Bit of both I expect Jacqui , mind you it would liven up a day of dom's if we used one of them !!!
    Cheers
    D
     
  30. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.

    You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.

    Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

    1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

    2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

    3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

    4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

    5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

    6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.



    The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday.

    These are no second-rate achievers.

    They are the best in their fields.

    But the applause dies..

    Awards tarnish.

    Achievements are forgotten.

    Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

    Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

    1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

    2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

    3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

    4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!

    5 Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

    Easier?

    The lesson:

    The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials..
    the most money...or the most awards.

    They simply are the ones who care the most



    'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia !'


    ''Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!"
     
  31. Had a young girl in this mrning for an orthotic review appointment who showed me a text exchange on her Iphone with her mother, who dispensed some sage advice about a recent romance....
     

    Attached Files:

  32. MJJ

    MJJ Active Member

    Cheese Mining

    Cheese Mining is an ancient and widespread practice that dates back to when it first started. Cheese mines are dotted all over the world, such as the common Cheddar mines, the Dutch Edam and French Brie mines, and the (until recently, very common) East European anti-personnel mines.

    Cheese ore is generated when milk from leaky cows seeps down into the deeper rock strata and collects in pools. Over millennia, this milk is squeezed until it is converted into a solid rocklike form which is utterly unlike granite.

    Cheese ore is mined by a similar process to that used for metals and coal, and was first carried out in the early Plastocene age by specially trained rodents, hence the modern day association between cheese and mice.

    Once brought to the surface, the ore is ground down into a powdered form and mixed with sufficient fresh milk to hydrate it, forming a thick paste. This paste is hammered into blocks using the traditional cheese mallet and cheese board (precursors to the iron age hammer and anvil - interestingly, cave-art from the late plastocene age shows animals being hit by falling cheese boards), typically into a rectangular or cylindrical shape.

    The cheese is then left in a damp room to slowly dry out - traditionally, caves have been used for this purpose. Use of a really dank cave can instill in the cheese the rich, full, moldy flavour that cheese connoisseurs love.

    If cheese is dried too quickly, it can develop a crumbly texture. Similarly, if it is dried too slowly, it can become runny or soft. Cunning techniques have allowed some cheeses to develop a tough skin around a soft or runny interior.

    In some regions of the world, high mineral content can result in the release of gases as the cheese dries, which collect into bubbles, leaving holes through the cheese.

    Some cheeses are most interesting because as they dry, they sweat out a kind of red wax, which covers the outside of the cheese and gives an excellent surface on which to stick the label.

    These things all combine to produce a marvelous range of cheeses. Other cheese varieties have been discovered or invented over the centuries of its use. For example, with the introduction of the refrigerator, it suddenly became possible to grow all kinds of new and exciting molds on the surface of your cheese, and research into this phenomena produced new flavours of cheese, including blue vein, which contains injected streaks of living fungus to add flavour. Those who survive the eating say it really is quite nice, if you enjoy eating mold.

    In modern times, new technology has emerged which allows a new cheese product to be manufactured. Called "processed cheese," it is often sold in packs of slices, where each slice is individually wrapped in a plastic sheath. Just why this is necessary is unknown, as a slice of processed cheese is the nearest thing to a sheet of shiny yellow plastic as scientists have been able to produce, except that it is biodegradable. In fact, not only does processed cheese look like, feel like, and taste like a sheet of soft plastic, many fast food chains now insert slices of the stuff between the buns in a hamburger, in order to stop the buns from sticking together. This new "non-stick" hamburger is called a cheeseburger, after the substance which made it possible. Of course, it costs more than a regular burger, but the benefits of non-stick buns are well worth it. Don't be surprised if you see adverts for the new non-stick frying pan with a miracle coating of processed cheese.

    'O' shaped cheeses were also used for a time on ships as a cheap form of lifebelt, until it was discovered that cheese does not float.

    Before the discovery of penicillin, moldy cheese was used as a cure-all. It was the "miracle drug" of pre-penicillin days, and would cure almost anything except for moldy cheese poisoning, which was usually fatal.

    An odd side effect of this protection from illness was the ancient belief that cheese protected ones soul. Many ancient cultures wore cheese bracelets and necklaces to guard against evil spirits, which may not have affected the spirits much, but sure helped repulse any invaders with olfactory organs.

    To this day, the name "cheese" is invoked immediately prior to having a photo taken, so as to guard against the trapping of the subject's soul.
     
  33. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years, and I'll give you back the other 10?"

    So God saw it was good.
    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"

    And God again saw it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about 20, and I'll give back the other 40?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

    But the human said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?"

    "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next 40 years, we slave to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.



    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  34. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Woman Marine Pilot

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

    There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

    "Don't F**k with Mummy when she's been drinking."

    I love these touching stories!


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  35. Eye halve a spelling chequer

    It came with my pea sea

    It plainly marques four my revue

    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.



    Eye strike a key and type a word

    And weight four it two say

    Weather eye am wrong oar write

    It shows me strait a weigh.



    As soon as a mist ache is maid

    It nose bee fore two long

    And eye can put the error rite

    Its rarely ever wrong.



    Eye have run this poem threw it

    I am shore your pleased two no

    Its letter perfect in it's weigh

    My chequer tolled me sew.
     
  36. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Said I would send this if I could find it, it still applies today, in every walk of life.

    "We trained hard.......But it seemed that every time we were beginnig to form up into teams, we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we would meet any new situation by reorganising : and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralisation"

    PETONIUS ARBITOR 210 BC


    Haven't learnt much have we?? Don' know anyone who can't relate to this.

    Sound Familier :wacko:

    cheers
    D;)
     
  37. Jacqui Walker

    Jacqui Walker Active Member

    In my previous life as a secretary for a water company I had to send out a mailmerged letter to local water users - I live in Wales, where Llewellyn is a popular name - the spell checker changed it every time to Mr Wellhung !!:eek: We only had the one complaint!!
     
  38. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    TRUE STORY FROM Rolls-Royce's OWN MAGAZINE


    Scientists at Rolls-Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
    chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
    travelling at maximum velocity.
    The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
    airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
    the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
    Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
    hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
    smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
    snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
    back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

    The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
    experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
    British scientists for suggestions.


    You're going to love this......

    Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


    "Defrost the chicken."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  39. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Google it - this is absolutely true!

    In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet ,Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes.
    She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

    Her mail is addressed:

    Linda Lykes
    The Cock Inn
    ERBUM
    Tillet, Herts.
    The Postie still laughs with every delivery

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  40. toughspiders

    toughspiders Active Member

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.)
    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
    Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......)
    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
    A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
    Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
    Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig!!)
     
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