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Emails that keep you sane

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by markjohconley, Jun 29, 2006.

Tags:
  1. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    Was that a boy pig or a girl pig? It matters.....
     
  2. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Whoever wrote this took a lot of time to put it together! I think a retired English teacher was bored ~





    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


    You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

    There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
    At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
    Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
    We call UP our friends.
    And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
    We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
    At other times the little word has real special meaning.
    People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
    To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
    A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
    We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
    In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
    It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
    When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
    When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
    When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
    for now my time is UP,
    so........it is time to shut UP!
    Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  3. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    > "How many children?" asks the council worker
    > "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker..
    > "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne ,
    > Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne and Wayne"
    > "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    > "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
    > playing
    > in
    > the street I just have
    > to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and
    > they all do it..."
    > "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
    > council
    > worker.
    > "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
    >
    >
    >
    > An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
    > garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick
    > up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping
    > his ear.
    > "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
    >
    >
    > Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    > The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
    > She says "I'll take the red one."
    > The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
    >
    >
    >
    > An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
    > bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    > Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
    > questions?"
    > Girl: "OK"
    > Medic: "What's your name?"
    > Girl: " Sharon ."
    > Medic: "OK Sharon , is this your car?"
    > Sharon : "Yes."
    > Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
    > Sharon : " Chelmsford , mate."
    >
    >
    > An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
    > It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just
    > heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the
    > A13. Please be careful!"
    > "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl,
    > "There's hundreds of them!"
    >
    >
    > Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
    > blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out
    > of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
    > Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
    > Sharon : "Ok."
    > Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
    > Sharon : "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist
    > down!"
    >
    >
    > An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
    > notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is
    > wearing.
    > She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz
    > one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it
    > So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
    > "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is
    for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Cor blimey,
    > exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on
    them.

    cheers
    D;)
     
  4. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Where to live when you get old!!!

    No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!

    No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

    With the average cost for nursing home care costing £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

    I've already checked on reservations at Holiday Inn hotels.
    A combined long term stay discount and senior discount is £40 per night.

    Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
    That leaves £60 a day for lunch and dinner anywhere we choose, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
    Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a gym, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
    Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

    £3 of tips a day will get the staff making extra efforts to help you.
    They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
    There's a bus stop nearby and seniors ride free.
    To meet other nice people, try the church on Sundays.
    For a change of scenery, take an airport bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
    While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

    It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

    And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

    TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

    They have a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . Or the undertaker.
    And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you so happy, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

    The grand kids can use the pool.
    What more could I ask for?

    So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.


    AIDS WARNING!

    To all of you approaching or gone past 60, this email is especially for you......

    SENIOR CITIZENS
    ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

    HEARING AIDS

    BAND AIDS

    WALKING AIDS

    MEDICAL AIDS

    GOVERNMENT AIDS

    MOST OF ALL,

    MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

    Not forgetting HIV
    (Hair is Vanishing)

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  5. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Food For Thought

    Suppose you were an idiot.
    And suppose you were a member of
    Parliament.... But then I repeat myself.
    Mark Twain
    I believe that Mark Twain and Jacob Zuma (S.Africa) must have met before

    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
    Will Rogers
    And Will Rogers clearly knows Julius Malema well
    "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
    newspaper you are misinformed."
    Mark Twain

    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
    a man, standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    Winston Churchill

    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
    support of Paul.
    George Bernard Shaw

    A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
    debt he proposes to pay off with your money..
    G Gordon Liddy

    Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
    what to have for dinner.
    James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
    rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
    Douglas Casey

    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
    to teenage boys.
    P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to
    live at the expense of everybody else.
    Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

    Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
    phrases:
    If it moves, tax it.
    If it keeps moving, regulate it.
    And
    If it stops moving, subsidize it.
    Ronald Reagan (1986)

    If you think health care is expensive now,
    wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
    P.J. O'Rourke

    In general, the art of government consists of taking
    as much money as possible from one party of the citizens
    to give to the other.
    Voltaire (1764)

    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
    Politics won't take an interest in you!
    Pericles (430 B.C.)

    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
    session.
    Mark Twain (1866)

    Talk is cheap...except when Parliament does it.
    Unknown

    The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
    at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    Ronald Reagan

    The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
    The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
    Winston Churchill

    The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
    taxidermist leaves the skin.
    Mark Twain

    The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
    fill the world with fools.
    Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

    A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
    enough to take everything you have.
    Thomas Jefferson

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  6. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:
    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
    ********************
    I had amnesia once---or twice
    ********************
    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    ********************
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    ********************
    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
    ********************
    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride

    horses sidesaddle.
    ********************
    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    ********************
    They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
    ********************
    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when

    he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    ********************
    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
    ********************
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    ********************
    My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
    ********************
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    ********************
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    ********************
    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    ********************
    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show

    you a man who can't get his pants off
    ********************
    Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
    ********************

     
  7. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Billy Connolly's Statement of the Century:
    'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
    how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  8. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Poems
    A WOMAN'S POEM:
    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart and strong.
    One who loves to listen long,
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's rich and self-employed,
    And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
    Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
    Massage my feet and help me stand.
    Oh send a king to make me queen.
    A man who loves to cook and clean.
    I pray this man will love no other.
    And relish visits with my mother.



    A MAN'S POEM:

    I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
    big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
    and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
    doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  9. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand.
    Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    However, there is a difference. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are --- COMPLETELY FINISHED!
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  10. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
    that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
    explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
    stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
    even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
    'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
    later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
    'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

    ________________________________________________________________________


    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
    together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
    her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
    'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
    94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
    up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
    'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old was
    sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
    sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
    never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
    yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
    I see who's at the door.'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    ________________________________________________________________________



    'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
    one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
    isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
    'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in,
    'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    _______________________________________________________________________

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
    her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to
    an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
    she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
    or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
    soup.'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
    the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
    meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
    other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
    we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
    think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
    can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..'

    Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
    just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
    soon do you need to know?'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    _____________________________________________________________________

    SENIOR DRIVING

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell
    phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
    urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
    that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
    Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
    'It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
    _________________________________________________________________


    DRIVING

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
    could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
    along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
    but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
    seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
    have sworn we just went through a red light.'

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
    and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
    woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
    had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
    it. She was getting nervous.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
    and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
    and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
    through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
    both!'

    Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  11. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

    It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

    The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

    'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

    'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'

    God is good

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  12. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Lone Ranger's Last Request


    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.





    The Indian Chief proclaims,
    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...





    "In honor of the Harvest Festival,


    YOU will be executed in three days.



    Before I kill you, I grant you three requests



    What is your FIRST request?"



    The Lone Ranger responds,


    "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought
    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
    Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.



    Later that evening, Silver returns with
    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits
    he's impressed.


    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",

    "But I will still kill you in two days."



    "What is your SECOND request???"




    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
    to his horse..
    Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.



    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.



    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Rangers tent
    and spends the night.



    The following morning the Indian Chief
    is again impressed..
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"

    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."



    "What is your LAST request ???"



    The Lone Ranger responds,


    "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."



    The Chief is curious, but he agrees,


    and Silver is brought to
    the Lone Ranger's tent.



    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,



    "READ MY LIPS!!!!"

    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...





    "BRING POSSE" !!!



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  13. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Subject: Good News For All My Mates

    Wanted you guys out there to be aware of this fantastic deal ....
    Good Luck !

    Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!


    I found a prostitute who charges by the inch.

    Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  14. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Sex and Good English!

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  15. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Sense of Freshness....

    A while ago a new supermarket opened in Vancouver, Washington.
    It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

    Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


    I don't buy toilet paper there any more.



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  16. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Came into my inbox entitle Poem of the year.

    The
    computer swallowed grandpa.
    > Yes, honestly it’s true!
    > He pressed
    'control and 'enter'
    > And disappeared from view.
    > It devoured him
    completely,
    > The thought just makes me squirm.
    > he must have
    caught a virus
    > Or been eaten by a worm.
    > I've searched through
    the recycle bin
    > And files of every kind;
    > I've even used the
    Internet,
    > But nothing did I find.
    > In desperation, I asked
    Jeeves
    > My searches to refine.
    > The reply from him was
    negative,
    > Not a thing was found 'online.'
    > So, if inside
    your 'Inbox,'
    > My Grandpa you should see,
    > Please 'Copy, Scan'
    and 'Paste' him
    > And send him back to me.
    >
    >
    > This is a
    tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and
    learned to use the Computer.........
    > They are the
    greatest!!!
    >
    > We do not stop playing because we grow
    old;
    > We grow old because we stop playing ..
    >
    > NEVER Be The
    First To Get Old!
    >

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  17. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

    If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
    I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
    And deliver some things just inside your front door
    Things you have lost, but treasured before.

    I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
    And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
    Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
    Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

    I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
    So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
    I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
    Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

    I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
    So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
    You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
    And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

    No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
    No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
    Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
    From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

    You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
    And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
    Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
    You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

    I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
    And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
    But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
    The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

    I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
    But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
    Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
    Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.


    Have a Great one all of you male or female :D
    Cheers
    D;):santa:
     
  18. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them)
    Here is the definition:
    "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
    phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous
    situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of
    paraprosdokian.
    1. 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
    level and beat you with experience.

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on
    my list.

    3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
    appear bright until you hear them speak.

    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
    public.

    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
    putting it in a fruit salad.

    8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and
    then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
    many is research.

    10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
    where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
    pay checks.

    12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
    'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

    13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think that they are sexy.

    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

    17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
    parachute to skydive twice.

    18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
    to live with.

    19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
    down so they can't get away.

    20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

    21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
    whatever you hit the target.

    23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
    standing in a garage makes you a car.

    26. Where there's a will, there's relatives

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  19. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I FAILED AGAIN AND AGAIN .............................









    Very Difficult Test


    A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined older men may have difficulty
    with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or
    drug abuse, shrinkage of the occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual
    impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses.
    To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this test to help you
    determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the test to help you determine
    if you should consider consulting a professional.
    TEST FOR OLDER MEN
    CLICK ON TEST

    Test

    Hope this one works
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  20. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Darwins are out!
    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15 , which begs the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
    To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for ...... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


    *** Remember...They walk among us, they reproduce .

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  21. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving

    ( too much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risqué emails)

    that was going on.
    So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

    When he returned, the angel told God,
    'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.

    God thought for a moment and said,
    'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!

    So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

    When the angel returned, he went to God & said,
    'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

    God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because,

    he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going !

    Do you know what the e-mail said ?


    No ?


    Okay, just checking with you.
    I didn't get one either ...
     
  22. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


    1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
    2 Men are like Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
    3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
    4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
    5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
    6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
    7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
    8. Men are like .Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
    9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
    10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
    11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
    12! . Men are like Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
    13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

    Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  23. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
    A little girl was
    talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."




    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
    they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

    The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."




    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

    After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."




    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
    hairs turns white."

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"






    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor."

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


    I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR


    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    "Take only ONE. God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."






    Cheers
    D;)
     
  24. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:


    Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2500. Morning suit rental-£125. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.


    NICKNAMES
    • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

    EATING OUT
    • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    • A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
    • A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


    MARRIAGE
    • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  25. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

    Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and with a new type of ignition the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

    Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

    Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

    This model is not expected to reach collector status.. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  26. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    *****************************************************************************
    The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
    substitute for Blood plasma.
    ***************************************************************************
    No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
    Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
    ****************************************************************************
    Donkeys kill more people annually
    than plane crashes or shark attacks. ************************************************************************
    You burn more calories sleeping
    than you do watching television.
    **************************************************************************
    Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are
    fifty (50) years of age or older.
    ****************************************************************************
    The first product to have a bar code
    was Wrigley's gum.
    *************************************************************************
    The King of Hearts is the only king

    WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
    ***************************************************************************
    American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
    from each salad served in first-class.
    **************************************************************************
    Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.


    *********************************************************************
    Apples, not caffeine,

    are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
    ************************************ ***********************************
    Most dust particles in your house are made from

    DEAD SKIN !
    ************************************************************************ ****
    The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

    So did the first ' Marlboro Man'.
    ***************************************************************************
    Walt Disney was afraid

    OF MICE!
    **************************************************************************
    PEARLS DISSOLVE

    IN VINEGAR !
    *********************************************************************
    The three most valuable brand names on earth:
    Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.
    **********************************************************************
    It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

    but, not downstairs.

    ************************************************************************
    A duck's quack doesn't echo,

    and no one knows why.
    ************************************************************************
    Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

    (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
    ***************************************************

    And the best for last.....

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.
    (



    Remember, knowledge is everything ......and go move your toothbrush !!!


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  27. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

    By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready to take on China !


    Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

    Here goes...



    The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
    as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...



    Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

    Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

    Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
    oddor sunteen?"

    Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

    Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

    Guest: " .......What??"

    Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

    Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
    Scrambled, please."

    Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

    Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

    Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

    Guest: "What?"

    Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

    Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

    RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

    Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
    'udo wan sahn toes' means."

    RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
    Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

    Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
    'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

    RoomService: "We botter?"

    Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

    RoomService: "Wad?!?"

    Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

    RoomService: "Copy?"

    Guest: "Excuse me?"

    RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

    Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

    RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
    Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

    Guest: "Whatever you say."

    RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

    Guest: "You're welcome"


    Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
    .. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


    And you do, don't you!



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  28. madmacaw

    madmacaw Member

    WHY MARRY?

    You have two choices in life:
    You can stay single and be miserable,
    or get married and wish you were dead.
    __________

    At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
    'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
    'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
    __________

    A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
    'Husband Wanted'.
    Next day she received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing:
    'You can have mine.'
    __________

    When a woman steals your husband,
    there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
    __________

    A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ...
    __________

    A little boy asked his father,
    'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
    Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

    __________

    A young son asked,
    'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
    a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
    Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
    __________

    Then there was a woman who said,
    'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
    and by then, it was too late.'
    __________

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
    __________

    If you want your spouse to listen and
    pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
    __________

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
    thinking they had no faults at all.
    __________

    First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
    __________

    'A Woman's Prayer:
    Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
    forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
    for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
    __________

    AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
    they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
    to fit onto the bus.

    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
    husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
    he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a
    piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
    driving me crazy.'

    The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
    we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
     
  29. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
    while these exchanges were actually taking place.



    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
    new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral ,
    OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

    They move amongst us, scary

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  30. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Subject: Fwd: Pondering







    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
    does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
    Holland called Holes?

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
    who drives a racing car not called a racist?

    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

    Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
    that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
    models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

    15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
    spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


    16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
    are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
    pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
    they deliver the mail?

    17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

    19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those
    little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

    20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
    section in a swimming pool?

    21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that one
    enjoys it?


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  31. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Something to Think About.....
    > The Stranger
    > A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small
    > town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
    > and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly
    > accepted and was around from then on.
    >
    > As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,
    > he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
    > taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he
    > was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
    > adventures, mysteries and comedies.
    >
    > If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always
    > knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able
    > to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball
    > game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
    > talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
    >
    > Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
    > other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for
    > peace and quiet.
    > (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
    >
    > Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger
    > never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed
    > in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time
    > visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and
    > made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use
    > of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He
    > made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked
    > freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant,
    > sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..
    >
    > I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
    > strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my
    > parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
    >
    > More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
    > family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was
    > at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would
    > still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to
    > him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
    >
    > His name?....
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > We just call him 'TV.'
    >
    > (Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
    > He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
    > Their first child is "Cell Phone".
    >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  32. Lois_B

    Lois_B Member

  33. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    British complaints to the landlord



    Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
    Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

    6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

    11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

    15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

    20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.




    Cheers
    D;)
     
  34. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Checking out at Tesco, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

    The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

    The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

    Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were re cycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

    Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size ofYorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

    When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

    But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

    Please forward this on to another selfish, grumpy old git who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.


    Remember: Don't make old people mad.


    We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  35. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds,' your sense of humor is seriously broken. *********************************************************************************************************************** Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.

    If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam.Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do. Do Not Go!!! I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!

    I should have known when they told me my pilot would beChip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the otherway.... Fast.Biff King was born to fly.

    His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'). Remember?Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-oldswaiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'.

    Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike ColinMontgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the nextmorning. 'Bananas,' he said. 'For the potassium?' I asked. 'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'
    The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
    Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
    It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags OverHell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with avertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Colin Montgomerie.
    And I egressed the bananas. And I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought it would be egressed.I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
    Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombingtarget and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.I used to know 'cool'.
    Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the other fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send iton a patch for my flight suit. 'What is it?' I asked.'
    Two Bags.'God Bless America

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  36. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
    She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    HUSBAND WANTED:
    MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
    MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
    MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
    ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


    On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
    She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
    He had no arms or legs.

    The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
    Just look at you...you have no legs!

    The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

    She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

    Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

    'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  37. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE OCEAN

    1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

    2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

    3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
    have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Richard, age 7)

    4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
    Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

    5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
    (Billy, age 8)

    6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
    pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

    7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
    the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors
    would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they
    would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

    8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
    and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
    pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

    9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
    always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister
    has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

    10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
    where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
    (Christopher, age 7)

    11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
    my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

    12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
    can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
    (Becky, age 8)

    13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
    was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because
    water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

    14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
    drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

    15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married
    my mom. (James, age 7)

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  38. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    LIFE'S SIMPLE TRUTHS

    SIMPLE TRUTH #1

    Partners help each other undress before sex.

    However after sex, they always dress on their own.

    Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


    SIMPLE TRUTH #2

    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying, "congrats!"

    But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!"

    Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


    No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

    The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

    The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'


    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the assholes name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


    THERE YOU HAVE IT...

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  39. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    At a bar ...



    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


    "Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


    "No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with?"

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  40. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the
    cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place
    a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go
    to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

    As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
    with cold water.

    After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result
    … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon
    when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
    will try to prevent it.


    Now, put the cold water away.

    Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
    The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the
    stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of
    him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to
    climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

    Next, remove another of the original five monkeys,
    replacing it
    with a new one.

    The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
    newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm,
    because he is now part of the "team".

    Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
    the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to
    the stairs he is attacked.


    Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
    were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why
    they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.


    Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
    remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
    Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway
    for the banana.

    Why, you ask? Because in their minds...
    that is the way it has always been!
    This, my friends, is how Parliament operates...
    and this is why, from time to time:

    ALL of the f … g monkeys need to be
    REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
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