Guru Bob's Mystic Answers

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Greetings to ye seeking enlightenment. I am guru bob, brother of psychic bob, purveyor of ancient and profound wisdom.

I will share such wisdom in exchange for a goat, or your firstborn child. Or, at a pinch, a can of special brew and a pot noodle. The Credit Crunch has hit the mad seer industry hard and I struggle to make end meet some weeks.

All secrets are known unto me. The paths of the past and future are known to me. Ancient and transcendant wisdom is mine to dispense.

So approach brief mortals and seek the wisdom of the guru

Guru Bob is also available for childrens parties and assassination contracts. No contract is implied by any request made. Terms and conditions apply. No liability is accepted for taking the advice somebody who is plainly a sandwich short of a picnic. Upon asking a question you have agreed not to try this at home.

 

At this early stage in my career, I will accept referrals. Thanks for bringing this seeker of truth to my attention mike.

The answer you seek, Dennis, lies not in the mists of the future but in the paths of the past.

FFT has already come from a respected source, Drs Scherer and Morris, respected authors who published in the Textbook by valmassey. Chapter 3. And it failed to set the world afire even back then

So you see there is no need to wonder how FFT would be received if it came from established and repected colleagues. Its already happened.

Leave the pot noodle by the door on your way out. Next supplicant please.

 

Oh Mystic One, I have spent many years pondering the following enigma;

In the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," which is yellow; the bikini or the polka dots?

Will you meet Christopher (my firstborn) from the station if I pop him on the train?

Cheers muchly,
Bel

 

Come closer oh seeker of cosmic truth, and boot the mystic moggy off the chair. The little B*****D is moulting something wicked just now so he should not be there really anyway. Sit and partake of the noodles I could not finish.

The song you speak of is a rapid one. The sylable count does not allow for a comma between "weenie" and "yellow". Thus the bikini in question is yellow and the polka dots of undisclosed colouration. Pink is nice. I'm wearing one under my clothes now in fact. Its chafing a bit.

I fear I am banned from stations since an unfortunate circumstance which arose from trying to establish whether a gerbil can stop a train.* Cosmic wisdom does not come easily. But you can have a map.

Special brew by the door please and send in the next supplicant.


*
It can. But only for an instantaneous moment of time. And you tend to lose the gerbil. RIP fuffy.

 

Oh Mystic Bikini Wearer, tis not me again you`ll be gald to be hear....but another referral who seeks answers to the unknown, for us mere mortals anyway;

The cat had the last special brew.... would a rather cheeky Sith Afrrrikin "Hock" do?

 

Oh Guru Bob,

Why is it that the one known as DrSha, responds to any question posed of him in a manner which in a court of law would be termed a "non responsive answer"? Is there a case for "objection, non responsive answer" here?

 

To the seeker of wisdom known as Blinda, your cosmic truth awaits approval by the moderators cos its got weblinks in it. The path of wisdom is as a park pavement scattered with the dogpoo of spam blockers and the discarded rollerskate of server crashes. Thou Knowst it.

Welcome Mr Dobbs to my rude hut. Sorry about that, the unenlightened local youth have scribbled obscenities on the walls again.

The one you speak of is of a loftier plane than us mere mortals. In the trousers of time parallel quantum wossname he occupies a different leg. The thing you must realise is the IN HIS REALITY his answers are germane and accurate. In ours they are meaningless and self serving drivel. Who's universe is paramount? Who can say. Ours has more anchovies which is to its credit, but it would be wrong to think that his answers are not responsive, they are simply not responsive to the questions people asked him

For example, if you asked should I eat red meat with a hat on I would answer 8 at most. That made sense to me. But you're on the wrong space time continuinuinum. You can't help it so don't feel bad. Yours has Artichokes.

Next supplicant please.

 

Thank you Guru Bob. But just wait until the guys from planet X get back: 7AM July 5th 1998, that is when we will see the truth for what it isn't.

 

Indeed! Then we'll see. Unless.... they already walk among us!

It would explain a lot.

 

Thanks for providing such Wisdom Guru Bob,

I also seek the true wisdom.

If the meaning of life is 42 and all good rock stars should die at 27 and I´m 36, why do men have Nipples ?

 

Greetings Michael. Shake the snow from the boots before you come in. What were you born in a barn?! Sheesh.

Your question is one I get often at this time of year. You've got part of the way there yourself. You will observe that your nipples have a certain number of hair follicles on them. The (number of follicles / 2)squared -4 is your life expectancy. It really is alarmingly accurate. However the vibrations from loud music over a prolonged period will cause nipple hair to fall out, reducing the life expectancy.

Its a lifespan measure.

 

So maybe Peter Andrea may find out who keeps leaving the light on at the end of the tunnel soon then ?

ps I hope the light is a low energy bulb, Mark will get very angry if not, climate wise and all.

 

Guru Bob,

Please can you enlighten on your name - just to settle my curiosity. Is "Bob" you family name or given name? It's just that you and your brother both have the name Bob, yet I perceive that "Guru" and "Mystic" suggest titles of calling/work.

Also, do you have contact details of a decent contractor? I need a new kitchen.

I can pay in goats, I'm sure we have plenty plastic farm animals in the toy box.

Fraoch

 

Welcome to you Froach. Mind the, MIND THE PUDDLE!!!! Sorry. Some Viking fellow trod snow in hear earlier, made the floor slippery. Here press this pad to your pate, the bleeding will subside soon.

We are indeed a large family and bob is my given name not my surname. Myself and psychic bob went into the mad seer business (same look, different disciplines). Bareback bob is an unemployed keen naturist / runner. We don't hear much from him although I understand he has a cold just now. Serves him right, the present I got for Christmas from him this year was just obscene. Vibram one finger indeed! There's another one who's a podiatrist. I think thats something to do with children isn't it? The rest of us steer clear of him because between you and me, he's not quite right in the head.

Our parents, sadly, was long on delivering a broad education but short on imagination. They called us all bob. Even my sister. I toyed with changing my name to Guru Bobby but it seemed less respectable somehow.

Why not save money on your kitchen? Take the door off your garage, cut a hole in the middle to give you somewhere to stand and rest it in your cooking room upon saw horses. Use an oil drum filled with combustables to a certain depth as an oven and eshew a sink in favour of paper plates or eating off your children. You'll save money and have a stylish look which will be the envy of all your friends.

I think you'll need stitches in that froach. Get thee to a hospital. I'll take a plastic goat as when scattered on the floor they make excellant caltrops to deter night burglars.

Next supplicant please

 

sorry Michael, yep I get irritated easily by many things, I'd rather not waste any of my remainding time being in such a frame of mind but hey, how's the weather?

 

ROFL

X M

 

I have one of those kitchens. It's not ideal.

 

Be careful as you roll upon the floor, beween snowmelt, the bit where mystic moggy relieved himself and a small puddle of blood it's none too clean.

Was she who twirls Requiring of any cosmic wisdom? I'm in cruel need of some preparation H and neither my pot noodle nor my plastic goat is fair substitute! I sent Christopher out for some and he's not come back! So I'd be glad of the work.

 

Ah sooth sayer Bob.

Am indeed in great need of your wise words.

I require guidance to assist me in my house of glass.

I have an eight legged lodger who has set up web directly inside the door! I have tried the following so far:

1. A twirl to Itsy chat RE: Himselfs shed being a far better residence for the Bitsy clan.

Outcome: No response!

2. A gentle nudge with Peter pointer..............

Outcome: She got the arachnid hump & refused to budge!

3. Placed a notice on greenhouse window alerting all incoming flies of Itsies intent to feast upon them.

Outcome: She octi shrugged! She doesn't require nourishment until April 17th!When Mr Bitsy is due...............

Suggestions ? Please be aware this is now coming between me & my Sweet William (lovely boy).

:boohoo:

My last resort is I know an old lady ....

Love & Xs she wot does twirl xxx

 

Hi again He wot gurus,

I just realised that I had not yet made my offering for your anticipated wise words.

Checked the medicine cupboard...........................

Out of date tube of Ralgex (circa 1987)

Or, having suffered from sensitive gums previously ( & gum does rhyme with .........) I am also happy to give (deffo don't want it back) tube of Sensodyne toothpaste.

X

PS. You may have to remove the goat 1st :empathy:

 

Is this how a typical conversation between you English people go?

 

G'day Mark

Actually yes. This type of chatter is very normal here in lovely Blighty. I would consider this would be one of our more mundane, everyday conversations. Guru Bob & I save our really interesting intercourse for private messages

Have a super Easter.

:drinks

 

Oooh, Mand`......you tease!

 

Ah, the whole people in glass houses dilemma. Firstly I can tell you that throwing stones is not the answer. It never helps.

My advice is to travel to jungles of borneo. There seek the rare and reclusive loquatious elephant spider colony. Live among them for a few years as one of them, learning their ways and their complex and beautiful language. Then return and explain to incy how much your sweet Williams mean to you. He should then leave willingly.

Or just smack the little B*****d with a rolled up magazine. That works too.

I'll try the tootpaste. It looks similar...

 

YEEEEEOOOWWWAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!

It burns!!!!

 

Just to be clear mark is that a simple question or are you seeking cosmic wisdom?

If so, I'll need some kind of cooling lotion. Spearmint sensodine was a REALLY bad idea.

 

In your notes under ' Potential allergies' :empathy:

 

Guru Bob,

Please can you enlighten us as to WHY the chicken did cross the road?

As my offering- oh font of all wisdom - would a bag of frozen peas be accaptable?

 

The truth always, to seek despite the hindrances that befall so many!
And why not a 'magic finger' applied for very short intervals!

 

Ahhhhhh. Soothing. Thankyou.

The chicken question is an old one.

Do not try to understand why the chicken crossed the road, that's impossible. Instead only try to realise the truth. There is no road. There are two fundamental paradigms at work here. Ours, which admits the existance of chickens and roads, and of course the chickens, which has a very different frame of reference.

Since we are enquiring of the chickens motivation we must work within the chickens paradigm. In that, of course, there is no road because chickens identify landscape as "ground with stuff I can peck on it,""ground which might have things I can peck on it" and "other ground which I'll try pecking at anyway because you never know." There is no word in chicken for "the m25 clockwise".

But they are tasty with lemon and Ginger.

Thanks for the peas.

 

euwww. Keep your "magic finger" to yourself.

I feel strangely violated by the very idea.

Would the next supplicant please make an offering of a coarse scrubbing brush and some soap that I might cleanse myself.

 

Urgh! must be an Aussie remedy (tried n tested no doubt).

Have parcel forced you some sooth sayer soothing alcohol rub & germoline.

Tsk @ them there darn under lot!

Sending karma & oil of lavender to assist restful sleep n bumawlygetbetterness xxx

My advice is you need a farmville farm to take your mind off your <cough> problem

X Happy Easter

 

Oh Mr Bob, Mystical one with guru like answers of greatness and obscurity. (Does your computer have unexplained guru meditations in the style of an amiga 500?). If one would be so kind, I have for thee these questions three:

If the answer to life the universe and everything is 42... Then what is the question?

When will my head stop hurting after reading podiatry arena for more than 2 minutes?

What is the average flight speed of an unladen african swallow?

I will sign this with my brazilian footballer name,

McDonaldinho.

 

I'm batman

 

Indeed...

 

Possibly. He thinks he may have covered himself though

THREE questions!?

Cheeky.

But I really need that brush so...

1.
The book says

The question is therefore clearly " How many times has the universe been understood and replaced by something more bizarre and inexplicable?"

2. Never. Because like the universe if you ever truly understand biomechanics it implodes and re forms itself as something even more complex.*

3. 42

Thankyou for the brush and soap. I will also require a Can of white spirit as payment for your third question.

Guru Bob

* This is actually true. More or less!

 

Oh Guru

Please oh please help me,

I know someone who is as mad as a box of frogs?? Is there a cure?

Also "does my bum look big in this?"

 

The wonders of Google and the powers of Guru Bob ... I do not know about you, but form here Google is occasionally serving up adverts for psychics at the top of this page ....

 

Yea, Tremble at my power! btw there is a dose of cosmic wisdom still stuck in the spam filter somewhere, pertaining to bel's question about copper insoles. Don't suppose you'd give the net a shake would you? Karma will be thine.

Three cunning plans are open to thee to aid thee in thine extremity.

1. Cut all ties with said nutter. Then you won't know them any more. Problem solved

2. Ensure your box contains all the things frogs like (water, logs, Paul mc cartney, lilies, that style of thing). All else being equal your frogs should calm down and your friend likewise.

3. Cultivate insomnia. Accept the offer of a fight from a stranger you meet on a plane which series of strange events will lead to your forming of a cult and a terrorist act which should destroy capitalism. You'll have to shoot yourself in the cheek but after all that your friend will seem far less mad to you. By comparison.

And to answer your second question, no. On a planetary scale it's tiny.