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Jokes

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Mark Russell, Aug 22, 2006.

Tags:
  1. RobinP

    RobinP Well-Known Member

    Kevin's photos of Liverpool reminded me of a joke

    Boy walk into class 5 mins late.

    Teacher asks why he is late

    He replies that he has been up Penny Lane.

    2nd boy walks in 15 mins late.

    "Where have you been ?"

    I've been up Penny Lane.

    Girl walks in 20 mins late.

    Teacher blows a fuse and shouts,"I suppose you have been up Penny Lane too have you?"

    "Sir" says the girl, ! " I am Penny Lane!
     
  2. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Try not to spend all day on this.....


    Click here: PARACHUTE JUMP


    PS: Don't forget to OPEN THE CHUTE!!!

    ;)
     
  3. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
    > >>
    > >>A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
    > shoot
    >
    > >>one of them, how many will be left?'
    >
    > >>She calls on little Ralphy.
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
    >
    > >>The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
    >
    > >>Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
    >
    > >>There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    >
    > >>One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    >
    > >>The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
    >
    > >>The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
    >
    > >>Which one is married?'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
    > that's
    >
    > >>gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
    >
    > >>To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
    > wedding
    >
    > >>ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    >
    > >>'Why?' asks the father?
    >
    > >>'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
    >
    > >>'But that's right!' says his dad.
    >
    > >>'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
    >
    > >>'What's the fuc*ing difference?' asks the father.
    >
    > >>'That's what I said!'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
    > learn
    >
    > >>multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-
    > syllable
    >
    > >>word?'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blo*job.'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
    >
    > >>All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
    >
    > >>He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a pis*!!'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
    > this
    >
    > >>situation.
    >
    > >>The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
    >
    > >>Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and
    >
    > >>I will allow you to go.'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
    > had
    >
    > >>bigger ti*s, you'd be a TEN!'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
    > hands
    >
    > >>from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
    >
    > >>First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
    >
    > >>mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
    >
    > >>'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
    >
    > >>'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
    >
    > >>She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
    > little
    >
    > >>RALPHY.
    >
    > >>'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
    > pregnant,
    >
    > >>and he said 'Beautiful, just fuc*ing beautiful!''
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
    >
    > >>another.
    >
    > >>After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know
    > eating
    >
    > >>all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth,
    > and
    >
    > >>make you fat.'
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
    >
    > >>The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
    >
    > >>Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuc*ing business.
    >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  4. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    UNCLASSIFIED
    Further to last weeks statement I made regarding "ManFLU"
    Reasearch has unveiled the following......


    "Contains No Artificial Comfort or Sympathy"





    Man Flu - The Facts...

    1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
    *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

    2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

    3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

    4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

    5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

    6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

    7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

    8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

    9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

    10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

    Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together... :empathy:
     
  5. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
    It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
    My name is John . Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lin. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lin to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
    Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
    But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


    Signed,

    John

    EDITOR'S NOTE:
    John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Lin, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John , somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
     
  6. RobinP

    RobinP Well-Known Member

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I'm a schizophrenic
    And so am I
     
  7. blinda

    blinda MVP

    Jack told me this one;

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I suck at poetry
    so show us your t***s

    Bad boy!
     
  8. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said, "I love you, I don't know how I could live without you."

    Her husband asked, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

    She replied, "It's me .......... talking to the wine."..

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  9. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Tesco Doctor

    One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
    'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

    Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

    There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
    and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
    better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

    So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
    He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
    urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
    activity.. It will improve in two weeks'.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
    from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
    happen.

    He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

    1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

    2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

    3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
    get better....

    Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  10. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
    and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

    He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
    He approaches the bartender and asks,
    "What's with the money in the jar?"


    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
    you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."


    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
    which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
    and you can't make a face while doing it."



    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

    You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."



    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.

    You have to take care of that problem."



    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot!

    I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
    and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

    "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

    Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face
    - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

    Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,
    and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
    he staggers back into the bar.

    His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding
    from bites and gashes all over his body.


    He drunkenly says,



    "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

    ________________________________________

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  11. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing his show. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
    I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!'

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells,

    'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  12. blinda

    blinda MVP

    `nother one from the fruit of my loins;

    Went to a zoo the other day.
    They only had one dog.
    It was a Sh1tzu.

    Grounded.
     
  13. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    NB: Rude words ahead.................. ;)

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '


    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

    You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

    The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.
     
  14. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

    Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

    OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

    Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly coupl e walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, a s the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  15. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    May have been posted previously, just too good not to share. ;)
     

    Attached Files:

  16. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get
    to

    >work on time.

    >

    >Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker,
    really

    >tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and

    >obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

    >

    >One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

    >

    >"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
    job

    >when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite

    >bothersome."

    >

    >"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

    >

    >"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

    >

    >"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

    >

    >Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though
    your

    >coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did
    they

    >say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so
    often?"

    >

    >The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

    >

    >He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and
    said,

    >'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"

    >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  17. sarahhemsley

    sarahhemsley Member

    Had to read it three times before I got it(third time in an Irish accent) but still have a smirk on my face
     
  18. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    IRISH CHRISTENING

    Murphy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
    Deep coma.

    After nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer Pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins . . . A boy and a girl.
    The babies are fine, however, they were very ill at birth, and had to be
    Christened immediately so your brother Murphy came in and named them.

    The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother,
    he's a clueless idiot.

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's
    Name?'

    'Denise,' says the doctor.

    The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I
    Guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought,'I really like Denise.'
    Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

    The doctor replies, 'Denephew.'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  19. Catfoot

    Catfoot Well-Known Member

    Try these - guaranteed to upset all the Scousers ....

    "A Liverpool Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
    She asks her scouser students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
    'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
    The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
    'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
    The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
    'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
    'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict,
    what would you be then?'
    'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. "






    "An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner..
    He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
    After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
    As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
    'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
    'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. "






    "A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
    The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
    The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' "







    "Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
    It later turned out to be a tax disc"

    CF
     
  20. Griff

    Griff Moderator

    So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in.

    He said: “Give me two Whoppers.”

    I said: “You’re good looking, and your musicals are great.”
     
  21. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

    In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

    If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash..........Twice a day.

    2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

    PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

    Hmmmmmm I can relate to that :wacko:


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  22. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Harlequin Romance Novel, Updated....

    He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I
    inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .




    Scroll down...



































    "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

    cheers

    D;)
     
  23. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
    One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
    Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
    Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
    Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
    "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
    Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.
    When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
    "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear.I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
    The cop fainted.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  24. W J Liggins

    W J Liggins Well-Known Member

    A current one (if you live in the UK).

    Everton (the other football club from Liverpool) have asked that their match with Tottenham Hotspur (London club) be cancelled due to the current looting. The real reason is that the supporters have realised that there's nothing left to nick in North London.

    Bill Liggins
     
  25. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    ~A Cup of Tea ~


    One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
    My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

    Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
     
  26. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old.
    Hateful little bastard.
    Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES.
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.

    **** And the WINNER is... ****

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
     
  27. Well, its been a few days, I think its Ok to do the riot jokes now.




    Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks
    Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets
    Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and teargas
    England: Riots stop.................becau​se it's raining
    Makes one proud to be British.


    Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of Scousers will now not travel down for Saturdays Spurs v Everton premiership game,due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen.



    I never made it to the march in London this weekend so had to make do with watching the riots on You Tube.
    Just as well all these corporate hating, anti-captialists have IPhones



    These people have no morality. They sponge off the taxpayer, they are thieves, have little respect for the law or society, they steal, loot, rampage through the city, have no concern for other people. And now they're coming home from holiday to sort the riots out



    Was wondering if the riots in London were taking place in some impoverished area. Then I heard they were using petrol bombs
    Posh Bastards!!



    Don't worry these riots will soon be over.
    Monkeys have a very short attention span.



    Tottenham have just signed a new Italian striker: Grabatelli.....



    Surely the London riots are nothing that Gazza can't sort out with a fishing rod and chicken...



    Just seen Paddy running up the road with 16 chicken vindaloos, 28 lamb bhunas, 15 prawn kormas, 14 pilau rice & 72 poppadoms. He's been looting curries!



    Riot Tracker - Enter your postcode here to see how likely you'll experience riots tonight: jdsports.co.uk/store-finde​r




    News reports just in from South Yorkshire: Sporadic rioting in Barnsley area. The CEO of Poundland calls for calm & claims they will continue trading in the near future.



    Walking town the street in a town near London. A women was speaking to a Police Officer about the riots and asked whether Romford was safe to visit. The police man then said "I really wouldn't recommend going there miss"
    "Why? Are the riots that bad?"
    "No miss. It's just a **** hole."


    The pictures of Tottenham are what I imagine an apocalypse to look like.
    These riots haven't helped their image either...



    With the recent riots in Nottingham, i tell you what they need. . . A sheriff


    BBC News: 16'000 Police offers sent to London
    BBC Breaking News: Riots started in Manchester
    I see a flaw.

    Feel sick at those who'd rob ordinary folk for cash, flat-screens, etc. Sorry to go on about MPs expenses.
    These riots are awful, too.


    The 1st conviction made is by DFS. The thug, rioter was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.



    I'm not here to have a go, this is a sick joke thread and I understand that..but please spare a thought for Del, who lives in Croydon and was involved in an incident during last nights riots which left him very ****** off.....he couldnt get that f****** plasma tv off the wall in Ladbrokes! He's going back tonight to have another try! :rolleyes:;)


    Sorry Del. Couldn't resist it. Pax!!

    I'd best go hide now.
     
  28. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Isaacs Fku :D

    I heard the use of water canons have been authorised in riot area's.

    The police has insisted Persil is added to the water to stop the colored 's running :rolleyes:

    The riots have hit Ireland, Paddy has just smashed his computer screeen to loot ebay !!!:D

    And so they go on :empathy:

    Don't worry mate it will spread round your way soon unless someone has the balls to address the real ( non PC) problems and sort it.

    All's quiet here at the moment , sporadic scum fighting apparently, Police chopper gone for now

    Hah Hum

    D;)
     
  29. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    O.M.G., I'm rich!
    Silver in the Hair
    Gold in the Teeth
    Crystals in the Kidneys
    Sugar in the Blood
    Lead in the Ass
    Iron in the Arteries
    And
    An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

    I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.





    Me Neither
    Cheers
    D;)
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2011
  30. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be. What great copy!!!
    An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

    Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
    reputation, who can cook frogs
    Legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
    schia garden, classic music and tal-
    king without getting too serious.

    Interested?
    Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
    still interested?
    Call me at...... 8250-0327


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  31. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
    "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
    "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
    The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

    The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
    "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

    She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
    Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
    "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
    "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
    The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
    "What's up love?" he asks.
    "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says..
    "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
    "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
    "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
    "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
    The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
    "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
    "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."


    cheers
    D;)
     
  32. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
    11. WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  33. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
    a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
    music in women's breast implants.
    The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00
    depending on speaker size.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
    women have always complained about men staring
    at their tits and not listening to them.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  34. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

    They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

    "What's that for?" the lady questions.

    "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

    "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

    The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!




    It will say ADIDAS in a minute."


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  35. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Two couples were playing poker one evening.

    Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife wasn't wearing any knickers! Shocked by seeing this, Jim tried to sit back up again, but hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

    Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed him and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

    She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
    After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

    She told him that her husband Bob would be very busy with work on Friday afternoon, and that he should be at her house around 2 p.m.

    When Friday came around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and performed their duties to close their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
    As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by
    the house this afternoon?'

    With a lump in her throat She answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

    Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

    Using her best poker face, she replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'


    Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'


    Now that is a poker player !!!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  36. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take? I ask.

    They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without missing a beat he says, Worked for your ass didn't it?

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  37. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Why I‘m Divorced…(She tells me !!)
    > >
    > >Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
    > >very well waking up on that morning.
    > >
    > >I went downstairs for breakfast
    > >Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
    > >'Happy Birthday!',
    > >And possibly have a small present for me.
    > >
    > >As it turned out,
    > >He barely said good morning,
    > >Let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
    > >
    > >I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
    > >But the kids..... they will remember.
    > >
    > >My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
    > >And didn't say a word.
    > >
    > >So when I left for the office,
    > >I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
    > >
    > >As I walked into my office,
    > >My handsome boss Rick, said,
    > >'Good Morning, lady,
    > >and by the way
    > >Happy Birthday! '
    > >
    > >It felt a little better
    > >That at least someone had remembered.
    > >
    > >I worked until one o'clock ,
    > >When Rick knocked on my door
    > >And said, 'You know,
    > >It's such a beautiful day outside,
    > >And it is your Birthday,
    > >What do you say we go out to lunch,
    > >Just you and me.'
    > >
    > >I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
    > >that's the greatest thing
    > >I've heard all day. Let's go!'
    > >
    > >We went to lunch.
    > >But we didn't go where we normally would go..
    > >He chose instead a quiet bistro
    > >with a private table.
    > >We had two martinis each
    > >and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    > >
    > >On the way back to the office,
    > >Rick said, 'You know,
    > >it's such a beautiful day.
    > >We don't need to go straight back to the office,
    > >do we?'
    > >
    > >I responded, 'I guess not.
    > >What do you have in mind?'
    > >He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
    > >it's just around the corner.'
    > >
    > >After arriving at his house,
    > >Rick turned to me and said,
    > >'If you don't mind,
    > >I'm going to step into the bedroom
    > >for just a moment.
    > >I'll be right back.'
    > >'Ok.' I nervously replied.
    > >
    > >He went into the bedroom and,
    > >After a couple of minutes,
    > >he came out
    > >carrying a huge birthday cake,
    > >followed by my husband,
    > >my kids, and dozens of my friends
    > >and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
    > >
    > >
    > >And I just sat there....
    > >
    > >On the couch....
    > >
    > >Naked.


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  38. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    My 1st day of employment (to supplement my pension),

    So after landing my new job as a Woolworths' greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Woolworths.
    Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they aren’t twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
    Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

    So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice...


    Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Woolworths '

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work


    Cheers
    D
     
  39. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached
    across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
    will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
    these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

    Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
    unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
    reason.

    Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
    suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
    Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
    were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

    Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day
    he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

    Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
    that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

    Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
    have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to
    see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
    charge."

    "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
    I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

    "Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of
    your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  40. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
    She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
    Magically it opens.
    "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
    "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


    DON'T BLAME ME, I ONLY FORWARD EM .......................!!!!!!!!!!

    Cheers
    D;)
     

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