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Jokes

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Mark Russell, Aug 22, 2006.

Tags:
  1. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. > >

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. > >

    Better to be *
    piss**d off than piss**d on. > >

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. > >

    Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. > >

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. > >

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. > >

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. > >

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. > >

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > >

    It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. > >

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. > >

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. > >

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > >

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > >

    Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . . > >"

    A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" > >

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  2. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    Three Muslim Guys convicted for hate crimes against homosexuals. Might even go to prison.

    Good luck in the showers lads!
     
  3. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?"
    The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
    And so was all mankind made.."



    Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
    The Dad answered,
    "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
    "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
    And Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
    The mother answered,
    "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family
    And your father told you about his.."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  4. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    > Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
    > golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called
    >
    > out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
    >
    > 'Sure,' they said, 'You're
    > welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
    > the newcomer.
    >
    > Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do
    > you do for a living?'
    >
    > 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
    >
    > 'You're joking!' was the response.
    >
    > 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a
    > beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my
    > tools.'
    >
    > 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
    > look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
    > the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
    >
    > 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
    > right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in
    > the bedroom . . .Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my
    > neighbor in there with her . . .He' s naked, too!!!
    >
    >
    > He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
    >
    >
    > 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
    > trigger.'
    >
    >
    > 'Can you do two for me now?'
    >
    >
    > 'Sure, what do you want?'
    >
    >
    > 'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
    > mouth.'
    >
    >
    > 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
    > teach him a lesson.'
    >
    >
    > The hit man took the
    > rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
    >
    >
    > 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
    >
    >
    > 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand
    > here . . .'
    >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  5. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    One for Simon Perhaps ????:D

    Golf Poem

    In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
    White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
    Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
    This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

    By Its Size I Could Not Guess
    The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

    My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
    Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

    It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
    It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far.

    To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
    Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
    But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
    And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

    It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
    And Disappears Before My Eyes.
    Often It Will Have A Whim,
    To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

    With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
    Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
    If Only It Would Find The Hole.

    It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
    And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
    And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
    But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

    Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

    A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

    This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .
    ___

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  6. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Subject: Fw: the barbershop


    > An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, But
    > tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
    > are too wrinkled from age.
    >
    > The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
    > him to put it in his mouth and inside his cheek to spread out the skin..
    >
    > When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
    > shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
    > happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
    >
    > The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does"
    >
    > Think about it, think about it .................
    >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  7. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    German guy approaches a lady of the night.

    'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

    'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

    '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

    'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

    'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

    The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

    'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

    She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

    'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

    She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
    She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
    The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

    'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'










    'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

    Sorry :D
    Cheers
    D;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2012
  8. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    I recently did a case series investigating what Gait pattern people adopted after drinking 4 pints of beer.

    The results were staggering.
     
  9. Robertisaacs

    Robertisaacs Well-Known Member

    Confucious he say...

    Man who eat family photo, spitting image of his parents.
     
  10. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asks ... "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  11. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
    So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


    He said: "Who the F**K did your hair?"


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  12. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
    If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
    If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
    If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

    She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
    So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of SH*T.'


    Women are Angels.
    And when someone breaks our wings,
    We simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
    We are flexible like that .




    Cheers
    D;)
     
  13. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

    In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate


    ...................................................................................................


    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

    Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

    In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  14. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    My One day of employment



    After landing my new job as a B & Q employee - I think they call it a " Greeter ", a good job for many retired old bods, I lasted less than a day ......

    About two hours in my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
    "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

    I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they certainly are not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
    Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm not blind and I'm not stupid,Madam.
    I just couldn't believe anyone might have shagged you twice....

    So, have a good day and thank you for shopping
    at B & Q."


    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  15. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Darwins are out!
    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15 , which begs the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
    To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for ...... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


    *** Remember...They walk among us, they reproduce .

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  16. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  17. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Subject: GUIDO, THE ITALIAN LOVER


    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
    young blond woman.

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
    where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

    This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

    The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
    closer to him and softly says, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

    Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear.......................................................................... "No, I'm Norwegian.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  18. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
    The woman says: "Well Doctor Cameron, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around'."
    The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
    swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Every time my husband came home drunk,
    I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn’t threaten me even once!
    Tell me Doc...what's the secret? How did the water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really no big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  19. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
    completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  20. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A tribute to Frank Carson – some of his one liners.


    TheGrim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..."
    says Mick "Have you seen how many of theirowners go blind?"

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot ofmy bed. A t first I was afraid...then I was petrified

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. SoI have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When Iquizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I wasstanding there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hourslater and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they'velost the plot .....

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our localpet shop and they were £70! "Blow

    this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could checkher balance, so I pushed her over.

    I start a new job in Seoulnext week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver wassobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself,"That guy's heading for a breakdown."

    On holiday recently in SpainI saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a goodidea, why don't we have them in our country?'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  21. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

    Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

    "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me," he replied.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  22. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Charlie was installing a new door
    And found that one of the hinges was missing.

    He asked his wife Mary if she would go
    To WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge.

    Mary agreed to go.
    While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
    her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.

    When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £450.00.

    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
    It's certainly out of my price bracket."
    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

    The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

    From the storeroom the manager yelled.
    "Ma'am, do you want a screw for the hinge?"

    Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
    "No, but I will for the Bath Tap.

    This is why you can't send women to
    WICKES.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  23. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
    He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
    The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
    "See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
    The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
    With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
    The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
    (I just love this part....)





    "Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !"

    cheers
    D;)
     
  24. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    How tough are Australian men??
    The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
    The night of tales begins...

    Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

    Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.

    Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  25. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

    "I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever, which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  26. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    THE OLDER WOMAN






    I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
    She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
    probably had a really hot daughter.




    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.


    'What's that?' I asked.

    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    I said, 'No,' - excitedly.


    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.



    I went back to her place.



    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake'??

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  27. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

    The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

    The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.



    She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  28. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Sensitive Man



    A woman meets a man in a bar.


    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


    They get back to his place,




    And as he shows her around his apartment.



    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
    Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


    There are three shelves in the bedroom,





    With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



    Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

    In rows, covering the entire wall!


    It was obvious that he had taken
    Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



    And she was immediately touched


    By the amount of thought he had
    Put into organizing the display.


    There were small bears all along
    The bottom shelf,


    Medium-sized bears covering the
    Length of the middle shelf,


    And huge, enormous bears running
    All the way along the top shelf.


    She found it strange for an
    Obviously masculine guy


    To have such a large collection of
    Teddy Bears,


    She is quite impressed by his
    Sensitive side.


    But doesn't mention this to him.



    They share a bottle of wine and
    Continue talking and,


    After awhile, she finds herself
    Thinking,



    'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
    Could be the one!


    Maybe he could be the future
    Father of my children?'


    She turns to him and kisses him
    Lightly on the lips



    He responds warmly


    They continue to kiss, the passion builds,



    And he romantically lifts her in
    His arms and carries her into his bedroom



    Where they rip off each other's
    Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

    She is so overwhelmed that she
    Responds with more passion,


    More creativity, more heat than she
    Has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night
    Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

    They are lying there together in
    The afterglow.
    The woman rolls over, gently
    Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

    'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her,

    Strokes her cheek,
    Looks deeply into her eyes,


    And says:


    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  29. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Towards the end of a round of golf,

    Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden POOF!!

    In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

    She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

    Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life

    ......better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life

    .....as a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

    Then POOF!...she was gone!

    After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

    Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

    Dave shouts back, “DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!”

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  30. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    If famous
    characters throughout time had Jewish mothers ...just think....
    >
    >

    >MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'After all the money your father and I
    spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
    >
    > CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS'
    JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't
    call, you didn't write...'
    >
    >MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'A
    ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
    children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the
    ceiling?'
    >
    NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'You're not hiding your report
    card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'
    >

    >ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'Again with that hat! Why can't you
    wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'
    >
    >GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH
    MOTHER:
    >'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you
    can kiss your allowance good-bye!'
    >
    >THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

    >'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
    turn it off already and go to sleep!'
    >
    >PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:

    >'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is
    long past your bedtime!'
    >
    >ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'Your
    senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?'

    >
    >MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really
    been for the last forty years?'
    >
    >BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
    >'It
    would have killed you to become a doctor?'
    >
    >BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH
    MOTHER:
    >'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.'


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  31. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

    'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

    'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

    'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to it?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  32. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled - normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
    "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
    "Really? Great! Show me!"
    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
    "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  33. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
    >
    >He looked up and said weakly:
    >'I have something I must confess.'
    >
    >'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
    >
    >'No,' he insisted,
    >'I want to die in peace.
    >I slept with your sister, your best friend,
    >Her best friend, and your mother!'
    >
    >'I know,' she replied.
    >'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  34. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at my
    neighborhood bar and I had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
    I've never done before: I took a bus home.
    Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved us past.

    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have
    never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  35. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    --- On Fri, 6/1/12, Bill Holmes <[email protected]> wrote:


    The Deaf Italian Book keeper

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book keeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,
    "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


    Don't you just love lawyers?

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  36. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    SeX AFTER DEATH

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
    " Marion .... Marion "
    "Is that you, Bob?"
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
    afternoon.
    After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"



    "No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ” .


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  37. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The Lady Golfer

    A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
    One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

    A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.
    She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I
    joined you next week?"

    The three guys looked at each other.
    Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
    Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

    He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
    The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
    They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
    She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
    She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.
    Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
    She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.
    The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
    They were totally amazed.
    They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.
    They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.
    This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
    The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
    However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

    Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
    They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
    right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
    I like to switch back and forth.
    When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
    From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If
    his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

    The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
    She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  38. madmacaw

    madmacaw Member

    Five life rules that may help you with day to day decisions:

    1. Forgive your enemy but remember the [email protected]$ name ;)

    2. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle :empathy:

    3. Help someone in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again :craig:

    4. Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them :butcher:

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, then again, neither does milk :drinks
     
  39. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's surgery.

    The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry ... I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about
    the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want
    you to pull the tooth, and be done with it ! ... We have a 10:00 a.m. tee-off
    time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...

    The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him......."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  40. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Are you insured for sex?

    Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

    Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

    Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

    Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

    Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

    Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

    Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

    Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

    Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

    Sex with an OAP - Saga !

    Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

    Cheers
    D;)
     

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