Jokes

A English man walks into a bar/pub, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with U.S. $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Chevy Corvette....

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's just loves sex. You have to take care of that problem for 1 whole hour and she will give you a Viagra pill so it doesn't go limp for the hour your making love to her."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila bottle!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks of his face -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the mean pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the English man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.



He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Cheers
D

 

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Cheers
D

 

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.






A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Cheers
D

 

A Village chemist
>
> A young girl started work in the village chemist shop but she was very
> shy about having to sell condoms.
>
> The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
> would be willing to run the shop on her own.
> She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
>
> "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms,
> they'll ask for a 310 [small], a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
> The word condom won't even be used.
>
> The first day was fine but on the second day a big tall black guy came
> in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
> The girl panicked.She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
> her predicament.
>
> "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
> legs" her boss told her.
>
> She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
> legs.
>
> "Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!"
>
> The boss said "Then go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window
> cleaner!"
Cheers
D

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy mariuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b@stard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

Subject: FW: Gardening joke


Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower.

Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back.

She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.


Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,

Scroll on - it is worth it,

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"



Cheers
D

 

Outdoors Man

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied, "I'm just a **** golfer".

Cheers
D

 

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Cheers
D

 

THE HORTH WHITHPERER



A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

Cheers
D

 

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she said,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the boy is writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohS".


Cheers
D

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales

>representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and
>says,
>
>"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best
schools; your
>recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
>Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

>However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're
>afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm
>sorry.... we can't hire you."
>
>"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
>
>"Really? Great!
Show me!"
>
>So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
>sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored
>condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
>open, swallows the pills, and stops
winking.
>
>"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
>respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over
>the country!"
>
>"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
>
>"Well then, how do you explain all
these condoms?"
>
>"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and
>asked for aspirin?"
Cheers
D

 

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........in and out.........in and out.


Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!





"Ok, Ok! I can't park the f**kin car! You do it you smug ba**ard!!"

Cheers
D


________________________________________

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of Nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A Nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance".

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
the irritated Nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a Nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect.. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Cheers
D

 

*Fifty shades of Grey. *****
>
> The missus bought a Paperback
> down Brixham, Saturday,
> I had a look in her bag;
> Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.
>
> Well I just left her to it,
> At ten I went to bed.
> An hour later she appeared;
> The sight filled me with dread.
>
> In her left hand she held a rope;
> And in her right a whip!
> She threw them down on the floor,
> And then began to strip.
>
> Well fifty years or so ago;
> I might have had a peek;
> But Doris hasnt weathered well;
> Shes eighty four next week.
>
> Watching Doris bump and grind;
> Could not have been much grimmer.
> Things went from bad to worse;
> She toppled off her Zimmer!
>
> She struggled up upon her feet;
> A couple minutes later;
> She put her teeth back in and
> Said I must dominate her!!
>
> Now if you knew our Doris,
> You'd see just why I spluttered,
> I'd spent two months in traction
> For the last complaint I'd muttered.
>
> She stood there nude, naked like;
> Bent forward just a bit
> I thought what the hell,
> Stepped forward -
> and stood on her left tit!
>
>
> Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
> My god what had I done!?
> She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
> Step on the other one!!
>
> Well readers, I can not tell no more;
> About what occurred that day.
> Suffice to say my jet black hair,
> Turned Fifty Shades of Grey.

Cheers
D

 

[FONT=&quot] An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please! [/FONT]

 

[FONT=&quot]Someone might have already posted this one - but still worthy of a chuckle for a repeated time if so


> A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester UK , just off Deans gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> 'That's nice, she thinks, 'but I want more.'
>
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
>
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.< Br>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
> [/FONT]

 

Happy Friday everybody!

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.




The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to them to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.


As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'

 

New Aussie Pickup Line

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."
Almost brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

Cheers
D

 

A little tale from Sainsbury's...........Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'd had little entertainment that day...... on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.


cheers
D

 

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

Cheers
D

 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"



He said: "Who the F*** did your hair?"

Cheers
D

 

Irish Sugar Test


One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Cheers
D

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Cheers
D

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, a retired couple went into town and visited the shops.

When they came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.
The old gentleman went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
The policeman ignored him and continued writing the ticket.

So the man called him an “ pen pushing ar**hole”.
Looking angry the policeman started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

This time the wife called him a “ total sh*t head”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first and started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more the old couple abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Then their bus arrived, and they got on it and went home.

It’s important to have a bit of fun each day, even when you’re retired.

Cheers
D

 

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:





"The water does f*** all. It's the keeping of your mouth shut that does the trick...."


Cheers
D

 

The Nursing Home

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that,you silly old fools.'

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & then jump up & down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

'How in the world did you guess my age?'


Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -





'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Cheers
D

 

.JUST A BIT NAUGHTY "LADIES".....



He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and
forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“
”
””
”””
”””””
”””””””

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the ****ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"



Cheers
D

 

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your
past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I
played rugby for Wales . . .....'

cheers
D

 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune feller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"




For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

Cheers
D

 

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Gatwick Airport .


A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows.'

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world.'

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations.'

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the F**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, 'Ryanair.'

Cheers
D

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Cheers
D

 

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Cheers
D

 

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a
tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Cheers
D

 

Subject: Holiday Advice

With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my
friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known
to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a
"social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening
with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the
limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab
home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a
cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real
surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now
that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Cheers
D

 

Latex Gloves


Next time you use a pair of latex gloves when you're painting or crafting,
you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex,
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)




Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid!
They have been there and done everything!

Cheers
D

 

Who said there were no good stories in the newspapers anymore?


PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth . The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that a man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them in the back. Fortunately the cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect however was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw ... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing. One of the Troopers said, "He was a clumsy bastard."
Cheers
D

 

Reply from channel 4


Dear Sir. On behalf of Channel 4 TV may I thank you
for your application on behalf of your wife for our new
reality show. Thank you also for the charming photo of
her that you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could
make a worthy contribution if selected, I would just like
to point out that the correct title of the show is actually;
"Fact Hunt"

Cheers
D

 

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Cheers
D

 

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden of so many.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven..?



.. you're singing it now, aren't you…??

Cheers
D

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18
hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Cheers

Bill