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Jokes

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Mark Russell, Aug 22, 2006.

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  1. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    I LOVE MY JOB


    If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

    This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

    Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

    Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
    He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
    Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

    She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
    Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

    Needless to say, she won.
    Read his letter below...





    ~Hi Sue,
    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
    Last week I had a bad day at the office.
    I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
    Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

    It's a wet suit.

    This time of year the water is quite cool.
    So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

    This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
    It heats it to a delightful temperature.
    It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

    Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

    What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

    This floods my whole suit with warm water.
    It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
    So, of course, I scratched it.

    This only made things worse.

    Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

    I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

    In agony I realized what had happened.


    The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

    Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

    When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


    Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

    I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

    When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

    As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

    The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
    So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

    Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

    Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

    May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!


    Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  2. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

    JUST TOO CUTE.

    This is the cleanest E-mail joke
    I've come across in a long while!




    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
    husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    "What are you doing?"
    She asked.

    "Hunting Flies"
    He responded.

    "Oh. ! Killing any?"
    She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




    Intrigued, she asked.
    "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded,

    "3 were on a beer can,

    2 were on the phone.

    Cheers

    D;)
     
  3. A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law­ lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law­ said. "I am wearing my love dress."
    ...
    "Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

    "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

    The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

    What are you doing?" he asked.

    This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

    "Needs ironing," he said.
     
  4. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Michigan.



    He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling and is nearly waist high.



    The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.



    His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.



    He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

    Cheers

    D;)
     
  5. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving
    At him. She walks toward him and says "Hello!".


    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
    So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of mykids."


    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
    to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
    I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
    partner whipped my arse with wet celery."


    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's
    schoolteacher


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  6. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    1 A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

    2 So they have found a horse burger in Tesco, what's next, my Lidl pony?

    3 Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

    4 A waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger, so I had £5 each way !

    5 Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!

    6 Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....I still have a bit between my teeth.

    7 Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco, just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'

    8 Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn!

    9 Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

    10 "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

    11 I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened.

    12 Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

    13 A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?’ Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

    14 I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horses d'oeuvres.

    15 These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

    16 Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers are giving me the trots

    17 To beef or not to beef, that is the equestrian

    18 Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of ...SHERGARS BUM

    19 Tesco's have released a new liqueur to complement their range of burgers, they're calling it 'Red Rum'.

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  7. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
    He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
    'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
    I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
    But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.Just send the wine back....

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  8. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    > Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when
    > >
    > > suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy,
    > > whip me, whip me!"
    > >
    > >
    > > Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
    > > have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the
    > window,
    > > snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both
    > > collapse in ecstasy.
    > >
    > > About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping
    > are
    > > starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one
    > > look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
    > >
    > > Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone
    > that
    > > she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she
    > did.
    > >
    > >
    > > Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
    > > all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
    > > that I've ever seen."
    > >
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  9. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Griff,

    For you, and all the other golfers that understand :D

    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    'You missed the F*uk*in' putt, didn't you?
    Cheers
    D;)
     
  10. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Thomas the Tank engine

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
    When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
    'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
    We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

    She hears the little boy continue,

    'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

    As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

    'For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.


    Cheers
    D;)
     
  11. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

    "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

    The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.

    Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

    The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

    "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you
    coming in for that."

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  12. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

    "What happened?" she asked.

    Son in law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

    "Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

    Moments later she comes back with a big smile.
    "You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation..............


    Mary didn't receive your email!!"

    Cheers
    D;)
     
  13. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging

    doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: £5.00

    HAMBURGER: £10.00

    CHEESEBURGER: £15.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH: £18.50


    HAND JOB: £ 250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money,

    the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving

    drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    Yes, she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, I was wondering young lady,

    are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here? She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with

    a wide smile purrs, Yes sir, I sure am.

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,.........




    Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.

    cheers
    D;)
     
  14. DTT

    DTT Well-Known Member

    Last trip to the store.....

    When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
    Making a mental note so I could complain to our MP about this running amok Homeland Security crap, I did just as he had instructed.
    After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that he was referring to how I should position my credit card in the machine.

    Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.



    Cheers
    D;)
     
  15. It must have been a pretty awful bloody year if this thread is relegated to page five on the break room forum and the last post was over nine months ago. Jeez folks! Here's one for the christmas table ....

    The difference between Mars and Venus:

    Wife's Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.




    Husband's Diary:

    A two-foot putt ... who the f*** misses a two-foot putt ?
     
  16. Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

    Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

    Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right,now."

    Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be allright."

    Incredulous, Tiger says,"You play GOLF?"

    Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
    Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

    "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

    Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

    Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

    Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that . . . $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

    Stevie: "Pick a night......"
     
  17. Ros the Pod

    Ros the Pod Active Member

    My grand-daughter was at primary school and was having a discussion with her teacher:

    Granddaughter: Mrs Smith, my sister has got a hairdo just like yours;
    Teacher: Has she, oh that's nice

    Granddaughter: Mrs Smith, my mother has got a dress like yours;
    Teacher: Oh, that's nice

    Teacher: (who by this time wanted to end the conversation): Yes but your mother hasn't got a face like mine, has she?

    Granddaughter: No my mother hasn't but my gran has!
     

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