Jokes

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5;00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM Wake up".

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

 

Wife Vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautifull at the same time.

"The wife responded, Allow me to explain.......God made me beautifull so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.


WOMENS REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?," I asked, after folding items the women wished to purchase.

As she fumbled in her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So do you always carry your remote?" I asked. "No" she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled and mouthed hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says:

"Sorry, do you know me?"

"I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" She replies.

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

 

A true story

I visit a residential home where they are all ladies, then a gentleman arrived, who is aged 90, but very sprightly, and handsome for his age.

Since his arrival the ladies have been having their hair done more often, wear their best clothes, and pile on the make up. They fight to play bridge with him

He loves all the attention, but on my last visit, he was not very happy..........

He said " I have some bad news" I said what news, he said, very bad news shaking his head.......

He told me another man had joined them, I said "oh dear," he said " well he is 94.....'.

I said," that's alright then, no competition for you..."

He said very thoughtfully, adjusting his bright pink bow-tie "Well I don't know about that , he's still got plenty of tread in his tyres.

 

Understanding Women (a Man's Perspective}

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

Absolutely "Seinfeld"!

 

understanding women

God is having a chat with adam in eden.
"i've decided you need a companion. I'm going to call her a "woman". In her i shall perfect the work i started with you. She will be beautiful bright, cheerful fabulously intelligent and hard working. She will have a higher pain threshold than you, be stronger than you and braver than you. Best of all she will obey you without question and be utterly devoted to you."
Adam thought this sounded great.
"ok i'll get started" said God. "all i'll need from you is one of your ribs, one of your kidney's, half your liver, one testicle, one finger from each hand and all the teeth in the top half of your mouth."

Adam thinks for a minute and says...








What can you make me with just the rib?

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

 

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

 

A South African gold miner is involved in a nasty accident which results in him having a leg amputated. While a mate is visiting him in hospital he says "You know, I'm knackered now. Who's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"
His mate replies, "Well, you could always ask Paul McCartney."

 

Two Welsh hill farmers were chatting when, in the distance, they saw a walker bend down, cup his hand, scoop up water from a stream and drink it.

“Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo," (Don’t drink the water, the sheep have been pissing in it) shouted one of the farmers, but the man took another handful and drank.

“Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo”, shouted the farmer louder, but the man carried on drinking.

So the farmer ran down to the man and said again: “Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo”

“I say old boy” said the walker “I can’t understand a bloody word you’re saying. Don’t you speak English around here?”

The farmer said “Yes, I was just saying that if you use your other hand as well, you’ll get more in, see!”

 

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

 

Two parrots on a perch one says to the other, "sniff, do you smell fish?"

"I read it but i'll be blowed if i can remember anything."

 

And the greatest joke of all.....

NEWS FROM THE ENGLAND CAMP

Rio Ferdinand has been ruled out of England's Euro 2008 qualifier against Andorra on Saturday. Manager Steve McClaren confirmed on Friday that Ferdinand has not recovered from his toe injury.

McClaren said: "He is continuing his rehabilitation, and he's back running. We're hoping he will be available for Wednesday against Macedonia.

"Michael Dawson and Wes Brown could step into the role and we've got every confidence in them toe do that."

McLaren was talking at a Q&A session with journalists ahead of the qualifying game.

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?
A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence

Q. What's the difference between English fans and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

 

Finally, the penny begins to drop...... http://tinypic.com/do0xts.jpg

 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs and those of us who fly just once and occasionally.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

The Glasgow Herald's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: "It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer".

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the bunch:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Herald has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply new meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified ! bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

An Irishman in a wheelchair rolled into a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Looking around, the Irishman thought he saw Jesus sitting at another table. He asked the waitress, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

Not much later, an Englishman with a hunched back came in. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant, thought he saw Jesus, and asked the waitress "Is that Jesus?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea on his ticket.

A bit later a Glaswegian came in on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and yelled, "Awright darlin'. Gies a gless of Coke, widye!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Izthat no' God's boy ower there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the radge told her to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, too. "An' put it oan mah tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you too are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands and praised the Lord while doing a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Glaswegian. But the radge jumped up and backed away yelling, "Get away ya bassa... ah'm oan disability!"

 

You know you're living in the 21st century when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy by text.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly who you will send this to.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually looked back to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!

 

Bush and bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and agreed to settle the whole dispute with a single dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

So bin Laden found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world. He had them bred them with the fiercest Siberian wolves that could be found. Then he selected only the biggest and strongest puppies from the litters and removed their siblings, to give them all their mothers' milk.


After five years, he came up with the biggest, fiercest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange-looking animal. It looked like a 9-foot long Dachshund and wasn't more than a foot above the ground anywhere. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because it was obvious there was no way his dog could last even 10 seconds with the vicious Afghan beast.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled towards bin Laden's dog. Bin Laden's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged at the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed bin Laden's dog in a single bite.

There was nothing left of Osama's dog at all.

Bin Laden came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened! We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers and the biggest and fiercest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," Bush replied. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working every minute of those five years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."

 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss a peanut into the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of one tosses, his wife asked him a question and he turned to answer her. The peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance but, after hours of trying, they both became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After hearing about the problem, the daughter's beau said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then he shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow as hard as he could.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing as the daughter led him out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

"From the smell of his fingers, I suspect he'll be our son in-law!"

 

I found these a good chuckle

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were



4 th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving I would smack her.
She ooked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If
you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing
Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange,the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter."



3rd Place.
It was the day before my 18th birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing
downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to
the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call,we didn't have time to get
dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs,the lights suddenly came on as a
whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, the relo's as well as my friends, were
standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax
supersize".
Then it Got worse.
Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', a guy, his voice booming over the same public
address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the
kind you belt in with a hammer?"




1st Place. And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Australian University During a biology lecture
a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?"
The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical
data to his lecture.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she
hadinadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another
word, walked out of the class - As she was heading for the door, the
professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not in the back of your throat."

Hope you enjoyed
Cheers
DTT

 

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think
August 30, 2006 | Issue 42•35

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52106

 

Guess your age....

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine. (Try for more than once.)

2. Multiply this number by 2 - just to be honest.

3 Add 5. (For Sunday.)

4. Multiply the result by 50.

5. If your birthday has already occurred this year, add 1755. If not, add 1754.

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this number was your starting number (i.e., how many times you want to have a pint each week).

The next two numbers are... your age!

 

Second Opinions are worth having

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
>>>the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
>>>rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
>>>the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
>>> pressure is to remove the testicles."
>>>
>>>Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
>>>live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
>>>hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
>>>but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
>>>As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
>>>different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
>>>saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
>>>suit."

>>>He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
>>>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
>>> long."

>>>Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
>>>60 years!" the tailor said.

>>>Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself
>>>in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought
>>>for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill and said,
>>>"Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Bill was surprised, "That's
>>>right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried
>>>on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
>>>Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's
>>>see.. size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size
>>>34 since I was 18 years old."

>>>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
>>>would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
>>>one hell of a headache."
>>>
>>>New suit - $400
>>> New shirt - $36
>>> New underwear - $6
>>> Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

can you do better ??

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:

>> 1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
>> financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>>
>> 2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
>> realize it was your money to start with.
>>
>> 3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>>
>> 4. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
>> ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
>> sign of breaking down in the near future.
>>
>> 5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>>
>> 6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
>> who doesn't get it.
>>
>> 7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>>
>> 8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
>>
>> 9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
>>
>> 10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all
>> these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
>> it's, like, a serious bummer.
>>
>> 11. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>>
>> 2. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they

>> come at you rapidly.
>>
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance you perform just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>>
>> 14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
>> bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>>
>> 15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
>> fruit you're eating.



And for LEXOPHILES (Lovers of words):

>> 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
>> 2. A will is a dead giveaway.
>> 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
>> 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
>> 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
>> Count that votes.
>> 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
>> 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
>> 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
>> 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
>> miner.
>> 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
>> 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
>> 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
>> Blownapart.
>> 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>> 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
>> 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>> 16. A calendar's days are numbered.
>> 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
>> 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
>> 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
>> 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>> 21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
>> large.
>> 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>> 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
>> 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
>> 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
>> 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
>> 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>> 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
>> 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 

Think I'll have to start charging royalties...it was the Glasgow Herald last time round!

The Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank Heaven," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

 

Sorry mate you told me to post em here !!!!

 

Be Lucky

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, OHIO was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Several memos were posted about this without effect.

Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.

Following her instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee,
solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.

And the moral of the story is:

There are Teachers... and then there are Educators

 

How's this:

I got a phone call yesterday from a Funeral Director and the guy says "...sorry but your Mother-in-law has passed away, would you like her buried or cremated?"

I said "...take no chances, hit her with both!"

 

The old Cowboy

> >
> > An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
> > sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
> >
> > She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> >
> > He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
> > cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
> > doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
> > and feeding my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."
> >
> > She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
> > soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
> > think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
> > about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
> > women."
> >
> > The two sat sipping in silence.
> >
> > A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
> > and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> >
> > He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
> > lesbian."

 

Think Again

On Second thoughts, Did you ever stop and wonder?
> >
> >
> > Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
>Squeeze
> >these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
> >
> > Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
>eat
> >the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
> >
> > Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
> >to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
> >
> > Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> >
> > Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> >point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
> >
> > Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed
> >if they are going to look up there anyway?
> >
> > Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
>both
> >dogs!
> >
> > Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
> >
> > If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? >
> > If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>vegetables,
> >then what is baby oil made from?
> >
> > If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
> >
> > Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
> >tune?
> >
> > Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . . .
> >
> > Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
> >
> > Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
> >you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
>window?
> >
> > Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
> >
> > Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
>place?
________________________________________

 

A man goes into a petshop looking for an unusual pet.

"What have you got?" he asks.

"I've a special today" replies the shopkeeper "a centipede that drinks beer".

The man clearly impressed, buys the beer drinking centipede and takes it home in a little box.

Later on while watching the telly he decides to go to the pub, he turns to the box and says "Oi centipede, I'm going to the pub you want to come?"

There's no answer from the box, the man decides to wait a few minutes then says "Oi centipede, do you fancy a pint?"

Again no answer, the man decides to wait a few minutes more then says "Oi centipede I'm going now".

A little voice from the box says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my f*****g shoes!

 

classy ....... my wife just coughed her muesli all over the breakfast table, must remember to tell her when she's not so engaged .. "very cute" she says

 

Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane with a Jew sitting next to them in the aisle seat. The Arabs ask the Jew to get them some orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up bringing them the juice, they take advantage of his absence to spit in his shoes that he'd left at his seat.

As the plane is about to land, the Jewish guy puts his shoes on again and realises what has happened. So he complains to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred.... the violence? The spit in the shoes... the piss in the orange juice?"

 

Who remembers Rainbow? This leaked onto youtube today...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyqEPgRc6IE

 

The worlds thinnest books

Subject: WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS]





World's Thinnest Books





FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac






------------------------------------------------------------------------





HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda






------------------------------------------------------------------------





MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno






------------------------------------------------------------------------





HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver






------------------------------------------------------------------------





MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino






------------------------------------------------------------------------





THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL



by Hillary Clinton






------------------------------------------------------------------------





MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden






------------------------------------------------------------------------





THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates






------------------------------------------------------------------------





THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman






------------------------------------------------------------------------





MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore






------------------------------------------------------------------------





AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC






------------------------------------------------------------------------





AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS






------------------------------------------------------------------------


DETROIT: A Travel Guide






------------------------------------------------------------------------


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian






------------------------------------------------------------------------





ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes






------------------------------------------------------------------------





GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson






------------------------------------------------------------------------





SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA






------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY






------------------------------------------------------------------------


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson






------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy






------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------







----------------------------

 

A podiatry lecturer was explaining the particularly complicated concept of three dimensional movement to a pre med class when one of the students interrupted him.

"Why do you have to learn this stuff?" the would be medic blurted out.

"To improve other people's quality of life," the lecturer responded before continuing his presentation.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics impact on the quality of life?"

The lecturer stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally he continued.

"Physics improves the quality of life, because it keeps people like you out of podiatry school."

 

Another Smile

>>>
>> >> Nothing better than some monday morning humour to make you smile!!
>> >> xxx
>>
>>
>> >> >
>> >> > > Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
>> >>wife
>> >looks
>> >> >over
>> >> > > at him and asks the question.
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
>> >>again?
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>> >> > >
>> >> > > WIFE: -- silence --
>> >> > >
>> >> > > HUSBAND: "****."
>> >> >