Jokes

joke

My own short story: Once upon a time orthopaedic surgeon complaints to his fellow collegue: I"m too tired last time, operating since the morning to the darkness! When I fall asleep, I see muself scrubbing my hands in the operation room! Gollegue answers: Get asleep with your operating nurse!

Pahomov Igor.

 

One for markjohconnely to try....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

In the UK, the Child Support Agency (CSA) is in its death throes and will shortly be replaced by a new government body which will be charged with chasing down absent fathers. During the final audits a number of interesting circulars have been discovered - the following genuine excerpts from the claim form single mothers complete regarding the father's identity....

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

12. I am unsure how it all happened, all I remember is that he was huge and
he kept calling me "a lucky lucky bitch".

 

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS".

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

Re: W.I.F.E

-------Original Message-------

Subject: W.I.F.E.





Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.''


Cheers
Derek

 

Re: Job Application

JOB APPLICATION............

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 70 year old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with 2 hours
for lunch.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:.................. Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer's, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!,,,,,,,,,On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread................Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


Happy New Year to All
Cheers
Derek

 

Ok. they're old but....


What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Lulu

Whats grey and has a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.

Whats brown and has a trunk?
The same mouse coming back off holiday.

A woodworm goes into a pub and says "is the bartender here?"

A doctor visits a patient in hospital
"i've got some good news and some bad news"
"whats the good news?"
"you've only got 24 hours to live"
"Thats the GOOD news?! thats terrible! whats the bad news?"
"i should have told you yesterday"

I've got a step ladder. It's nice but i'm sad i don't know my real ladder.

 

President Bush is in the oval office one morning when an aide informs him that 2 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.
"Oh Gawd, nooo..." exclaims the President, turning chalky-white and rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.
Eventually his chief of staff asks him what's the matter.
"Tell me again", whispers the President, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"...

 

Like the Brazilians say

"Piada Gostosa!"

 

I read somewhere that somewhere in Britain, a man is mugged every 30 minutes!

Poor Guy! He should get a gun!

 

Reply to old thread I know but I have to tell someone I'm crying now & the kids are trying to figure whats wrong. LMAO

Regards in tears.

 

A woman goes into her dentist, takes off her knickers and sits in the chair with a leg on each arm. The dentist says, "You've made a mistake madam, the gynaecologist is on the next floor up.." "No mistake" she replies "yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures. Today I want you to take them out!"

 

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. !


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

Nice one mark. This thread needed a bump.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left it.

Have you seen the new Divorced Barbie pack?
It comes with all Kens accessories

Whats the difference between Roast lamb and Pea soup?
Anyone can Roast lamb

 

Ahhh, the kings of comedy back at it; thanks gents (though some of them are getting a bit "close to home"), mark c

 

This thread needs a bump.

How to Have a Long, Healthy Life

A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

----------------------------------------------------
Mistaken Location
Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when Bob was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

Bob said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.
-------------------------------------------------------
Flat-Fooded
A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
--------------------------------------------------------
Living to be 100
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or chase pretty women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

A doctor trys to flush his toilet during the night and finds it blocked. He rings the plumber and demands that he come immediatly and fix his toilet. The plumber protests but the doctor insists claiming his patients expect him to turn out in the middle of the night so the plumber should work to the same standards.

The plumber arrives, examines the toilet, pops a couple of paracetamol in the bowl and tells the doctor to call again if its still blocked in the morning.

 

And i LOVE insurance claims

Insurance claim form gaffes​

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

 

Before you <sigh> this is no worse than Roberts jokes.....

For the 'dunkers' amongst us.

GOOD NEWS FOR TEA DRINKERS

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.


I can only apologise.....

 

As opposed to the eye drop form.

Which does'nt help your sex life but makes you look hard.

Oh it hurts....

Robert

 

Craig

Is this shyte appropriate for this site ??

I have enough of this unwarented crap on my PC ( my email addy has been spoofed )

Please tell them to Fkoff and bother someone else

Cheers
Derek

 

I have mate called Sid who has been the victim of ID theft:empathy:

poor sod. He's now known as "S"

 

Behave Robert !!

 

A baby seal walks into a club..........


hahahaha
Steve

 

An apple a day keeps a doctor away,but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit!

to all of my dearest friends

 

A tourist from the USA walks into a pub in London. Just for a change, they've got some decent beer on - from oop north. He buys a round for the cockneys and soon all are having a good time. He wanders out a bit the worse for wear after several pints of Old Peculier and then finds himself lost in a salubrious part of the city. Alas, he is taken short and unable to find a gents., walks up a side alley and unbuttons. Police Constable Plod arrives on the scene and asks what he is up to. He explains that he can't find a 'rest room' and the situation is now desperate. The peeler sympathises and directs him through a gate into a beautiful garden. The lawn is like a billiard table, the bushes have been trimmed to symmetrical perfection and a little fountain plays gently in the middle of the lawn. The PC encourages him to pee in the fountain but, with typical courtesy, the tourist double checks. The cop says that it's perfectly O.K. and that he will stand by the gate to ensure that no-one will disturb proceedings. After long and strong relief, the tourist asks "Fantastic, is this what you call English hospitality?" "No" replies the cop. "this is what we call the French Embassy!"

Bill

 

Heard a joke today.

Insoles cure autism.

Laugh? I nearly started!

 

But who was telling the joke?

 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

 

A guy is out with his buddies - has few drinks - but true to his wife, goes home. Finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, gets two aspirin and drops in her mouth.
Of course she chokes but recovers and asks - What did you put in my mouth??
He says, "two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"
He says, - "that's what I wanted to hear".

 

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

 

Q: What does a girl call herself when she presents with a marked leg length difference?

A: Eileen!

 

Driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London and nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What Happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Gordon Brown, and Alistair Darling.
They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from vehicle
to vehicle, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'

 

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!' Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Guts or Balls...????

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel' ?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

 

Mark will you stop it !!

Derek

 

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts....

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?!"