Your Horoscope

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For the week ahead. Thanks to the daily Mash. If you are easily offended try mystic mog or something.

I was bored.

Psychic Bob


Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A partnership working approach, aligned with diversionary intervention projects and a parenting support plan might get your child back on track. Or you may just want to take a belt to the little brat every now and then.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A top of the range Blu Ray player, 42-inch high definition plasma screen TV, Bose surround sound speaker system, and you're watching Runaway Bride. I hope they burgle you from behind.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a visitor to a foreign country, it's always polite to acknowledge and respect their laws and customs. So keep your Iron Age views on homosexuality to yourself, you pointy-hatted freakboy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you will be having lengthy, psychologically-traumatising conversations with a cannibalistic psychopath in the hope he can help you catch a serial killer. A couple of suggestions: One, try interviewing the really creepy bloke who lives right next door to the first victim. And two, watch out for flying spunk.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You pay good money to be whipped senseless by a burly, chain-smoking woman and you're branded a sleazy pervert. A Pope does it when he's supposed to be Poping and he's nominated for sainthood. Funny. Old. World.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Yours was a love that defied authority, flew in the face of convention and was without words. Damn you RSPCA!

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You can ring ma beee-eee-ell, ring ma bell. Ma bell. Ring it. Ring it. Ring it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are a valued colleague who gets the job done, never complains, respects the executive team and has complete faith in their judgement. What's the rent like in Chump City?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Librans like to keep things in balance. You're like a big set of old-fashioned kitchen scales. On one side you are empty while on the other side you have some small hexagonal weights of varying sizes. And you're really good for measuring flour and stuff. Well done.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You sound a bit like a superhero don't you? 'Don't worry everyone, here comes Scorpio!' Except that you're not and the idea of you coming actually makes me throw up into my mouth a little bit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your lengthy and vitriolic attack on former US defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld leaves the Chilcot Inquiry shocked and confused. Mainly because when you first came in you did seem to think it was a Pret a Manger.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you arrive at the latest roundabout in your life. I don't suppose there's any chance you could try indicating for once, you arsehole?​

Thanks to the daily Mash.

 

i don't believe in any of that horoscope mumbo-jumbo...

whish is typical with me being a taurean.

 

Whatever clarice.

 

He posts on here I believe ????

Cant think at the moment who ... the sooth sayer wo , wo and thrice times wo or...

was it the name .."bell end bob" , sorry psychiatric Bob cant remember but anyway thanks for the smile Rob

I'll keep my eye on my Blue Ray player and 42 inch plasma screen

Cheers
Derek

 

Derek

Sorry to hear about your short sightedness- 42 inches eh? must be bad.

Cornmerchant

 

DTT,
You forgot the rest of the forecast :-

You scoff at the Stars but what goes around etc, the Cosmos has a way of biting you on the @£$& have you checked your contents insurance this week?

Me, I'm happy in Chump City with my 24" :

Dido

 

Thank you for your good wishes in my birthday star sign.

D

 

More from The daily mash

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, pop into your local B&Q warehouse and ask the staff to give you a list of valid reasons why they think they are so much better than you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As you overtake the car in front of you that's been doing 38 for the last six miles you congratulate yourself on correctly predicting that it would either be an old person or a woman.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me. And it was really sore.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You call this a f*****g omelette? Get the manager.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There's a fresh, new, glad-to-be-alive feeling about you this week, which is a bit of shame as your funeral was last week and now no-one can hear you banging.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week boredom at work leads you to take up an invitation from a charismatic stranger to punch him very hard in the face. The two of you then team up to form an anarchist prankster militia while he spends every night making Helena Bonham Carter scream like a banshee. After deciding that it's all getting a bit out of hand you suddenly realise that he doesn't exist and that it's been you all along, but for some reason this still doesn't stop him (you) from shooting you in the cheek. Still, at least you manage to destroy capitalism, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The haunting beauty of whales breaking the surface of the waves off the coast of Thailand will stay with you always. As will that nasty urinary infection. You and your ladyboys.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you're going on a long train journey, why not try and impress fellow passengers with how important you are by idly toying with an Excel spreadsheet with large sums of money in the columns? Just remember to scrape the egg stains off your Primark suit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's been a testing period for you recently, but you have to admit, that DNA profiling is clever stuff. This time try 'diminished responsibility'.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A night at the cinema featuring a three-hour made for Polish television bio-pic of Chopin, full of bad acting and shouting, preceded by a piano recital by an off-duty plumber you say? Count me in.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your drive and creativity know no bounds and with your energy levels soaring it is becoming increasingly clear to everyone that you've stopped taking your medication again.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You will reach the heights of sensual ecstasy this week as you finally work out the optimum time to microwave a pumpkin.

 

I'll pop down there now and find out then

On second thoughts , no need to bother really there are a few who tell me that all the time on here.

Better look at the burglar alarms next time I'm there though,..................... apparently

Cheers
Derek

 

Behave

 

Wot ?? I mean Wot did I say??

Cheers
Derek

 

Bloody typical! :bang:

Finally get the new clinic running, car paid off, paid the tax burglar his lump & bought some new uniforms {yes some of us do look dapper in white tunics with a badge}.

Was wondering why it was dark in 'ere.....

Knock, knock......................HEYULP! :boohoo:

 

Nice one twirls

AND

well done on the clinic

Be Lucky

D

 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
In a world without rules, when humanity is on the brink of survival and all hope rests in the hands of one individual, I really, really hope to hell it isn't you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
And a little bit softer now... and a little bit softer now... and a little bit softer now... and a little bit softer now... and a little bit LOUDER now... and a little LOUDER NOW! and a LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW!! AND A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW!!! Okay that'll do.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Well done for sticking to your New Year's resolutions this far, even if 'I will not set fire to my neighbour's Audi' isn't exactly a huge amount to ask.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Night after night of driving your taxi cab through the wretched, scum-filled streets of New York has left you feeling a little bit down in the mouth. Why not talk to yourself in the mirror all afternoon, shave your skull into a Mohican and fashion a device that helps you conceal an automatic pistol up the sleave of your combat jacket? You've earned it!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say 'live and let live'. But nowadays you write letters to the Daily Mail demanding the death penalty for having an untidy garden.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As you know, you do have a tendency to spend too long weighing up the pros and cons of any situation, using the fact that you are deliberating to further prevaricate and avoid taking any of the actions you say you are spending your time considering. But at least the rest of us can go about or day without bumping into you and your big, moon face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week try drawing a picture of your worst nightmare using only black and red crayons and then posting it to Richard Madeley. He loves that sort of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jupiter, your ruling planet, suggests you go out and shoot some pool, get a few beers on and then head back to his place to drink some bourbon and dance around his trailer in nothing but your pants and vest top trying to look sexy but in fact looking like the pathologically needy piece of worthless trash that, deep down, you know you are.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Ride the ninky-nonk. And thank me later.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Get your motor running, head out on the highway. And then carry on straight ahead unless I tell you to do otherwise. And if I should happen to shout 'BRAKE! BRAKE! BRAKE!' at the top of my voice, then just ****ing brake, okay?



Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Everybody loves popping bubble wrap, but not everybody buys rolls of it from Staples, moulds it into a lifesize replica of Catherine Deneuve and then rubs themselves against it until they burst.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week your parents will tell you that you earn far too much money. Why not use some of it to have their legs broken?

 

What is so funny about this? Seems perfectly normal to me

Robin