Jokes

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I
either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like **** this morning."

Cheers
D

 

I just purchased a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I replied, "No it's going in the living room..."

 

I was walking down the road yesterday and someone threw a block of cheese at me; I thought "that's mature"...

 

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".


Cheers
D

 

Driving directions to China from New York USA from Google Maps

Direction 31 is brilliant.


1.
38 days 17 hours
I-90 W
12,206 mi

This route has tolls. - more info »
This route includes a ferry. - more info »

New York, NY
USA

1. Head southwest on Broadway toward Chambers St


112 ft
2. Take the 1st right onto Chambers St


0.1 mi
3. Take the 1st right onto Church St


0.3 mi
4. Slight left at 6th Ave/Avenue of the Americas


0.3 mi
5. Slight left at Canal St


0.2 mi
6. Turn right at I-78 W/Holland Tunnel
Continue to follow I-78 W



2.3 mi
7. Slight left at NJ-139 W


1.2 mi
8. Exit onto NJ-7 W/US-9 Truck S/US-1 Truck S toward I-280/Jersey City/Kearny
Continue to follow NJ-7 W



1.8 mi
9. Continue onto Newark Turnpike


0.2 mi
10. Continue onto Dolores Dr


0.2 mi
11. Continue onto Newark Turnpike


0.9 mi
12. Slight right to merge onto I-280 W


17.1 mi
13. Merge onto I-80 W
Partial toll road



374 mi
14. Take the exit onto I-80 W
Partial toll road



354 mi
15. Continue onto I-90 W
Partial toll road



271 mi
16. Continue onto I-94 W


156 mi
17. Take exit 249 for I-694 N toward I-494 S


0.7 mi
18. Merge onto I-694 W


29.9 mi
19. Continue onto I-94 W


818 mi
20. Merge onto I-90 W


228 mi
21. Merge onto I-15 S


7.6 mi
22. Slight left at I-90 W


579 mi
23. Take exit 10 to merge onto I-405 N toward Bellevue


3.5 mi
24. Take exit 14 to merge onto WA-520 W toward Seattle


6.0 mi
25. Take the Montlake Blvd exit


0.5 mi
26. Merge onto Montlake Blvd E


0.3 mi
27. Slight left at NE Pacific St


0.8 mi
28. Continue onto NE Northlake Way


0.1 mi
29. Turn left at 6th Ave NE


79 ft
30. Turn right at NE Northlake Way


1.0 mi
31. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean


2,756 mi
32. Continue straight


0.1 mi
33. Turn left at Kuilima Dr


0.5 mi
34. Take the 3rd right onto HI-83 W

 

Ever wondered how you can get the inside of your computer screen really clean? Its impossible to access isnt it?

However, by clicking on the link below, your dirty PC screen will be a thing of the past!


http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

 

All of these are legitimate companies, who didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their online name might appear! They
are hysterical!



These are not made up.
Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents'is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange'is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look
no further than' Pen Island '.
It can be found at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try
'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer'software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com

 

…..join Ferrari

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.

Cheers
D

 

. Subject: Yorky

A rugby fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his
mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody

in the bar, announcing his wife has just
given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy

weighing 25 pounds.




Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
rugby

fan just shrugs and replies,

'That's about average in Yorkshire
... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby

boy. Gonna be a
rugby player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many
exclamations of 'WOW!'

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy
pains.



Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,


'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. So, how much does

he weigh now?'



The proud
father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, concerned
and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already

weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born!'

The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his
Samuel Smith's, (Yorkshire beer) wipes his lips

on his shirt sleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised... ‘

Cheers
D

 

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Cheers
D

 

"The Best Pubs Are Irish"

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Welshman, "At my local in Cardiff, WJ Rees', the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, O'Neill's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Welshman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Cheers
D

 

Wisdom of older women

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

Cheers
D

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:






**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***


Cheers

D

 

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Cheers
D

 

A little old lady was walking down the street carrying two large plastic bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £5 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Excuse me Missus, there are £5 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh really?" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my house is right next to Blackpool Football Club's car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me - it Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quiet, with my hedge clippers and every time one of the fans sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O. K., sunshine! Give me £5, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

 

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.
With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures...


"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every
change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
"Baaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock."


This novel is available for sale only in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , Suffolk and certain parts of Norfolk.
Oooo - I forgot. Ireland.

Cheers
D

 

A Scotsman’s Chilli.


A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"


The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid."


Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.


The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."




Cheers
D

 

During a recent password audit, it was found that an Essex girl
was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

Cheers
D;-)

 

> A Little Christmas Story
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
>
> Not a lot of people know this.


Cheers
D;-)

 

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug
abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time
of night?"

"My wife", he replied.

:santa:

 

NHS TODAY
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Farnham Hospital .
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


Cheers

D ;:santa

 

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed
- This is definitely one for Social Services


Cheers
D ;-)

 

A Giraffe walks into a Bar in Manhattan and Yells out to the crowd....


The high balls are on me

 

BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack.

After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d'olive.

 

A reporter asked me how I would describe the absence of Haley's flaming meteorite.

I said no comet.

 

Here's one to cheer up our colleagues in Queensland:

Ponting's wife telephoned him during one of the recent test matches. The 'phone was answered by Hussey who said "he's just gone out to bat, if you hang on a minute he'll be able to take your call".

Pommie Bastard Bill

 

Subject: Could be obvious

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary


Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year. Mick said Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

A prostitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn’t have a womb. I asked how we would do it then and she said Acwos the woad against the wailings…

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit’s pond. Looks like frog’s porn to me.


Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone What sort of sick person does that to someone’s advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.


Sometimes you just can’t win. I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes late she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, that's a lot Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think.


My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk… Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season.


I just met a man with strange hobby, he collects empty bottles. Sounds much nicer than alcoholic.

Cheers
D ;-)

 

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £700 per Week.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about £400 .
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour pub
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
Cheers
D ;-)

 

Q. What sort of jokes do chiropodists like?
A. Corney ones!!

 

Guy comes in to the podiatrist's office witha strawberry on his foot.

Podiatrist - "I've got a little cream for that."

 

Why did the only two podiatrists in town hate each other?

They were arch enemies!!!

Theres loads on http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=436249

 

I can't believe the huge headwear that the ladies all wear at Ascot even when its incredibly windy.

Still, hats off to them...

 

Hi All
Some of these are incredible


http://www.flixxy.com/people-are-awesome.htm


dont try it at home !!!

Cheers
D ;-)

 

Conjunctivitis.com

There's a site for sore eyes...

 

Infections- r- us . com

for your very latest cold /flu virus And ALL FREE !!!!

 

You must always make sure that you get through to the right department before you kick off.





A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool, England, while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs......
Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello', the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'


Cheers
D ;-)

 

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"


Cheers
D ;-)

 

Not many people know this.......

But DTT went to Thailand a few years ago and after a glorious 9 days of sun, sea, sand and other things, he unfortunately developed a rash which caused him a good deal of concern. He went to the local hospital where the Accident and Emergency Houseman assured him that all would be well with the application of penicillin cream. In the next room a gorgeous young nurse proceeded to massage the afflicted part of his anatomy with the aforesaid cream. " Do not wully" she said, "It not unusual for man to get election when having cleam rubbed in ". " But" replied Del (who was pretty worried about his condition), " I haven't got an erection". " No" replied the nurse, "but I hlave!"

All the best

Bill

PS sexist, racist, homophobic and a gross insult to a chaste, moral and saintly colleague. Beat that!

 

Yeah , but I never recognised you in that nurses uniform did I Bill ??

cheers fella
D X