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Australian Tourist info

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Robertisaacs, Mar 18, 2008.

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    This is allegedly from an Australian tourist site in the Q&A section. Whether that's true I cannot say. But they are very funny anyway.

    These were posted on an unofficial but heavily utilised Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the webmaster , who obviously has a sense of humour.

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

    A: What did your last slave die of?

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

    A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
    ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    _________________________________________________

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
    oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

    A: You are a British politician, right?

    ____________________________ ______________________

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
    Milk is illegal.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
    All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
    You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

    A: Yes, gay night clubs.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

    A: Only at Christmas.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
     
  2. twirly

    twirly Well-Known Member

    Hi Robert,

    Loved this thread & felt the email I received this morning from my Great Aunt in the Barossa Vallley may well increase the numbers of female tourists to Australia.

    Australian love poem​



    Of course I love ya, darlin'
    You're a bloody top-notch bird
    And when I say you're gorgeous
    I mean every single word..

    So ya bum is on the big side
    I don't mind a bit of flab
    It means that when I'm ready
    There's something there to grab.

    So ya belly isn't flat no more?
    I tell ya, I don't care
    So long as when I cuddle yah
    I can get my arms round there.

    No Sheila who is your age
    Has nice, round perky breasts
    They just gave in to gravity
    But I know yah done yer best.

    I'm tellin' yah the truth now
    I never tell yah lies
    I think it's very sexy
    That you've got dimples on yer thighs.

    I swear on me Nanna's grave now
    The moment that we met
    I thought yah was as good as
    I was ever gonna get.

    No matter what yah look like
    I'll always love yer, dear
    Now shut up while the footy's on
    And fetch another beer.

    I was moved to tears. ;)

    :santa2:
     
  3. ladyfaye

    ladyfaye Active Member

    very funny...I had a good laugh
     
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