Twelve days of Christmas

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A Classic. enjoy.

Oh theres a few words so do not read if you are easily offended. I know this would upset a sensitive flower like the good Dr Spooner


Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986


My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986


Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986


Dear Fred,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986


Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986


Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986


Dear Fred,

I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but -

Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986


Fred,

What's with you and those f*****g birds??? Today I received "Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds **** all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with those f*****g birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986


OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is **** all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986


Hey ****head,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the screeching f*****g birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

You'll get yours, bastard,

Agnes



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986


You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!

I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!



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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986


Listen F***head,

What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumb****,

Agnes



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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986


Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season's Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole Attorney

 

Since its that time of year again i thought i'd put this one back onto the viewed list.

Merry Christmas to all

Robert

 

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."