Jokes

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Cheers
D

 

Harry the eagle !!
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Read to the end

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....



NO, The duck didn't say THAT





... ~ Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said.....


'I am aDRAKE,
You made aMISTAKE!!!! !

 

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.
The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem
cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Cheers
D

 

THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.




'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'


'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the f...... putt, didn't you?'



Cheers
D

 

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.


KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.


5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.


7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.


8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.


9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.


10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.


13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.


20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.


23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.


25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

Enjoy

Extracts from letters written To local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

Cheers
D

 

15 love to the boys:


Now this is priceless...
The Best Divorce Letter, everrrr!



My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

 

The Magician
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about the bird.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said...................

"OK, I give up. Where's the f..king ship?"

Cheers
D

 

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE




A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

 

Thanks Mark, Terri and I had a cack, I'll forward it on but with a edit, they'll be New Zealand'ers!

 

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Cheers
D

 

Kids Are Quick!
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________



Cheers
D

 

Girls night out
​

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight".

He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted."

Aren't older women great.
​

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old
woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....

Drunk Woman
​

A man and his wife sat a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a
nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"


"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Can I buy Some Cyanide?!
​

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Have a good week everyone.

 

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

Cheers
D

 

*A THAILAND LOVE STORY*


A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles - something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

Found yours yet ??

Cheers ( CM)
D

 

Re: Irish joke

Here's one guaranteed to upset the Irish,



Quinlan and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money;
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Quinlan said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Quinlan said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Quinlan said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
o'this, I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

 

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.​

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Margaret, listened to the instructor declare:​

'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'​

He then addressed the men:​

'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'​

​

Ken leaned over, touched Margaret ’s arm gently,
and whispered:​

​

"Homepride,isn't it?"​

And thus began Ken ’s life of celibacy.

:empathy:

 

The Husband Store



A store that sells
new husbands has opened in Manchester
, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit
this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any
item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!





So, a woman
goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on
the door reads:





Floor 1 - These
men Have Jobs





She is
intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 2 - These
men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,'
she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues
upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.





'Wow,' she
thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.





She goes to the
fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework...





'Oh, mercy me!'
she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 5 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.





She is so
tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 6 - You
are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This
floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you
for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender
bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the
street with the same rules.



The first floor
has wives that love sex.



The second
floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer





The third,
fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied,
'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

Cheers
D

 

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Bear Removers."He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll
be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his
van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull
"What are you going to do," the home-owner asks? "I'm going to put
this
ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock
the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off,
the
pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear
will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back
of the van. "He hands the shotgun to the home-owner."What's the
shotgun for?" asks the home-owner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Cheers
D

 

Since we're going vulgar (thanks Dek)....depending which part of the world you're from, read Welsh or NZ....and English or Aussies

In 1827 the Welsh invented a condom made from a sheep's bladder
In 1828 the English improved it by removing it from the sheep

Cheers

Bill

 

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .


(This is priceless...)






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Cheers
D

 

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.

With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you ?"

Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"


Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

 

So it's the Rugby League World Cup Final - Australia v New Zealand ( no change there, then...)
Half-time approaches and a Kiwi nips down to the Gents to beat the rush. In walks an Aussie with a similar plan and they stand there side by side depressurising their bladders and exchanging banter.
The Kiwi finishes first, zips up and starts to leave, 'Hey', calls the Aussie, 'aren't you gonna wash your hands??? Mama always taught me to wash my hands after I piss!'
The Kiwi pauses and considers this for a moment, then replies 'That's most commendable, but my mama always taught me never to piss on my hands...'

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)


Cheers
D

 

> First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

>
> The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
>
> The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid..

 

classy bill, have sent it on

 

via Zoe B, another Canberra podiatrist, via .....


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses..

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
___________________________________



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..


"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

 

...and I'm not saying my Girlfriend's overweight, but the other evening she fell down the stairs and I thought Eastenders was starting...

 

While attending a Marriage at the Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men.
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it ?"
And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are stranded on a desert island. One day they happen upon an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. They are attempting to clean it up a bit, when, FAH-TOOM, a blinding flash, a puff of smoke and this enormous genie appears.

And says, 'Thank you, kind sirs, for rescueing me from that dreadful prison. To express my eternal gratitude I will grant each of you one wish'.

The Englishman steps forward and says 'I wish I was in the Elephant and Castle supping a pint of mild.' A puff of smoke and he's gone...

The Scotsman says 'Me next, I wish I was in the Red Lion sipping a wee dram.' A puff of smoke and he to is gone.

The Irishman looks around wistfully and says ' Ah Jeez, I'm lonely. I wish the other two were back...'

 

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and
> was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her
> feet.
>
> >'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
>
> >
>
> >She said, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
>
> >'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use it for?'
>
> >'We use it for sex,' she said.
>
> >
>
> >The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people lie to me and say
> they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
> fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
> Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for
> sex?'
>
> >
>
> >The woman said, 'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
> the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.'
>
Cheers

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should
be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told
Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of
his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious andcontains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut..'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong.....'

Cheers
D

 

Horny fat wife in stockings and high heels puts on a red and blue cape and bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband - "Superpussy!"

He looks up from his paper and sighs - "I'll have the soup..."

................................................................................


Three mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest......

Aberdeen Mouse says "I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times then throw it across the room.

Edinburgh Mouse says "You poof! I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"

Glasgow Mouse finishes his beer and gets up and walks to the door. "Where are you gaun?" ask the other two...

"Nite Nite lads.... Ah'm away hame tae shag the cat!"

 

As the bus stopped, and it was her turn to get on, the woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Cheers
D

 

Subject: A Story with a Moral !

This is a story about
a Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, Mouse and a Cat.


There is a moral to this story......


In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,



'Gosh...if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'


There was a fish in the water thinking,



'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'


There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches,
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!'


It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the stream preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is
enough activity on one river bank,
but I can tell you there's more....


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly
and that bear grabs for that fish
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ...
then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...


The bear grabs the fish..


The hunter shoots the bear...


The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...


The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...



The cat falls into the water and drowns.


NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.


Cheers
D

 

I lost the Trivia Contest at the church last night by 1 point.

I not only got the last question wrong but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently, New Zealand is the correct answer.

Cheeers
D

 

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

*Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. *
*
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.*
*
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
News. The donkey's died.' *
*
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' *
*
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' *
*
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' *
*
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' *
*
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' *
*
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' *
*
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
Dead.' *
*
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What
Happened with that dead donkey?' *
*
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
Piece and made a profit of £898' *
*
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' *
*
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds
Back.'** *

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

:deadhorse:

 

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets
for the Football World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Football Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Football world and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."


"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...


......"No. They're all at the funeral."

--