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Jokes

Discussion in 'Break Room' started by Mark Russell, Aug 22, 2006.

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    Always handy to have a little humour in reserve for those po-faced patients who might otherwise make the working day a bit tiresome. So to kick off.....

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
    I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

    "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

    The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

    The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"


    *************************************

    George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. it's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

    Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

    *****************************************

    So there's this guy who is obsessed with farm machinery. Posters of combine harvesters all over his bedroom walls. His dad's a bit worried. Gives the boy some money, sends him into town, says " have a good time, son"

    Young lad discovers sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, and his Massey Ferguson fixation disappears.

    Some time later there is a massive fire, the road is blocked and the fire brigade can't get near it. The lad walks up to the fire and breathes in. All the smoke disappears, the fire goes out. He then exhales and blows the smoke away.

    "How did you do that?"

    I'M AN EX- TRACTOR FAN!

    ***********************************************

    Two prawns are swimming around in the ocean, one called Justin, the other called Christian. They are talking about how they are always being bullied and threatened by sharks. Justin says how good it would be if they were sharks, then they wouldn't need to worry.

    Suddenly a mysterious codfish appears as if from nowhere and offers to grant the two prawns a wish each. Justin blurts out that he would like to be turned into a shark. The cod waves his fins about in complex mystical signs and Justin is turned into a big fearsome shark.

    Christian takes one look and flees in fear of being eaten by his old mate.

    Justin soon finds that life as a shark isn't so great, none of his old friends will talk to him anymore, even his family are too scared of him.

    One day Justin is out, morosely swimming around, when he meets the mysterious cod once more. He begs and pleads the cod to turn him back into a prawn and the cod finally relents and does so.

    Justin rushes round to Christian's place and yells through the door for Christian to come out.

    "No, you'll just eat me now you're a shark" says Christian from behind his locked door"

    Justin yells back at Christian through the door:

    "No, no you don't understand, I've seen cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

    *********************

    The hurricane came unexpectedly. The cruise ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas & coconuts.

    So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice & longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

    In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Its only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused.
    "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

    "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches & the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, & used the tools to make the hardware."

    "But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.

    After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue & white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

    As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, & they sat down on her couch to talk.

    After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower & shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What next?"

    When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines & smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.

    He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check Podiatry Arena from here?"

    ********************
     
  2. Okay...maybe a bit more topical.....

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
     
  3. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    mr russell stick your head out the window and listen ............................. GROANING.................from hundreds of podiatrists world-wide
     
  4. Right, then. You've got a Buddhist monk, and he's refusing the anaesthetic for his root canal work. What's he trying to do?

    Transcend dental medication.
     
  5. Cameron

    Cameron Well-Known Member

    Thank goodness for the humour challenged. To paraphrase Basil Faulty,

    "I would like to meet someone worse off than me. It just makes me feel better."

    Man is rushed to the A&E after a fly mow accident where his toes are all amputated. Quick thinking neighbour gathers the digits together, pops them in ice backet and races to the hospital where the shortsighted surgeon sews them back on again. Man comes round in recovery only to realise the right toes are on the left foot and vice versa. Ligation follows and the Sun newspaper headline is.......

    Britain sees its first case of mixamatosis
     
  6. A man walks into a butcher shop. The butcher points to a shelf near the ceiling with several cuts of meat on it.
    "got a bet for you"

    he says to the customer

    "i bet you ten pounds you can't reach up high enough to get that meat down"

    The customer eyes the shelf

    "No bet, the Steaks are too high!"
     
  7. A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got a verruca and my Mum said it was contagious."

    "Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"

    Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

    "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

    Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious". :eek:
     
  8. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    i'm getting old and am much slower ........ i was having trouble with the punchline of mr russell's latest post ........ so here i was, repeating (out loud as we old folk can do) "IT WILL TAKE THE CONTAGIOUS" over and over trying to 'get' it .......... i look across at my wife and her friend in the adjoining room....both have their jaws wide open, my wife's eyes livid with disapproval/shock........boy am i in the dog-house.....
     
  9. johnmccall

    johnmccall Active Member

    "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" as they say on the emerald isle.
     
  10. :D :D Hope she's not a blonde then...

    A blonde walks into a podiatrist's office.
    "What's the problem", said the pod, after she gets herself comfortable.
    "It hurts like crazy when I touch myself here" she said, touching her hallux
    "And here", she said, touching her heel.
    And it really hurts when I touch here" , she said, touching her ankle.
    "And when I touch here it hurts so much I wanna cry, what's wrong with me?"
    "Well" said the pod, "It's quite obvious, do you really need me to tell you?"
    "Of course I do," wailled the blonde, "you're the expert."
    The podiatrist sighed, gave her a smile and said......

    :confused:
    :confused:
    :confused:


    ..."You've got a broken finger you soppy cow!!"
     
  11. Peter

    Peter Well-Known Member

    A duck walks into the Jobcentre, and asks the counter staff if they have any jobs for him.

    " Grief replied the girl! How about joining the circus"

    The duck replies " why on earth does the circus need a bricklayer?"
     
  12. Okay...last ones for today...

    Brian walks into a watchmakers and asks the guy behind the counter,

    "Excuse me, you wouldn't by any chance have any potato clocks to sell?"

    The guy behind the counter says, with a confused look on his face, "Sorry, I don't think I've ever heard of a potato clock before. What is it?" to which Brian replies, "I have no idea either, but I start a new job today and at the interview my boss told me that I start at nine, so I'd better get a potato clock." (think about it markjohconoly!)

    **************

    Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: That's not funny.
     
  13. Absolutely the last one for today.....

    After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the car -- and he doesn't travel light -- the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," said the driver. "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never come in to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver got into the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision because, after leaving the airport, the Pontiff floored it and accelerated to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moaned the driver.

    The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the policeman approached, but the policeman took one look at him, went back to his motorbike, and got on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he told the dispatcher. The Chief answered and the policeman told him that he's stopped a car going 104 in a 40 MPH zone.

    "So charge him," said the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that... He's really important," said the policeman.

    The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the policeman.

    So the Chief asked, "Who have you got there? The Mayor?"

    Policeman: "Bigger."

    "The President?"

    "Bigger."

    "Bigger than the President?" asked the Chief. "Who is it?"

    "I think it's God!"

    "God?! What on earth makes you think it's God?"

    " Because he's got the friggin' Pope as a chauffeur!" ;)
     
  14. conp

    conp Active Member

    I like them Mark,
    Now I didn't dare to write a blonde joke but since you started it the blame lies with you.

    A Blonde travelling to Melbourne on Economy class sees a vacant seat in First Class and decides to sit in it. The air hostess then asks the blonde to return to her economy class seat. The blonde insists that she should stay in the first class seat and so the air hostess goes into the cockpit and tells the captain. the captain approaches the blonde and asks " Can I see your ticket please madam?" "Sure" replies the blonde. Upon viewing the ticket the captain asked the blonde to return to her economy class seat. The blonde stubbornly insisits that she should be able to sit in the vacant First Class seat. The captain returns and explains the situation to the pilot who then approaches the blonde. The pilot whispers something in her ear and she promptly gets up and returns to her economy seat. The captain and air hostess looked at each other in suprise and asked the pilot what he had said to the blonde. the pilot said " I simply told her that First Class is not travelling to Melbourne"!

    Regards
    Con
     
  15. Love it!

    A Greek and an Italian were arguing over who had had more influence on Western culture. The Greek said, "We built the Parthenon."

    The Italian replied, "Yes. And we built the Coliseum."

    "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics," said the Greek.

    The Italian nodded but said, "And we built the Roman Empire."

    This went on for ages until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. "We invented sex!" he said.

    "That is true," replied the Italian. "But it was us who introduced it to women!"
     
  16. Peter

    Peter Well-Known Member

    A rabbit and a bear are walking in the woods.They come across a frog who grants them 3 wishes each.

    The bear says " I want to be the only male bear in the woods".

    "Granted" said the frog.

    The rabbit replies, " I would like a motorbike " after which he starts to snigger.

    The bear is asked for his second wish. " I want to be the only male bear in all the surrounding woods".

    The frog grants his wish.

    " I want a crash helmet for my second wish" asks the rabbit.

    The frog duly hands over the rabbit his crash helmet, at which point the rabbit breaks out into a fit of hysterical laughter, beating his fists on the floor.

    The bear looks on astounded. " I want my 3rd wish. I want to be the only male bear in all the world".

    The rabbit can barely overcome his uncontrolled laughter.

    " I want that bear to be gay" he shouts, starting up his motorbike, fastening his helmet, and speeding away...........
     
  17. conp

    conp Active Member

    Mark,
    How could you tell I was Greek??? Good joke.
    I did meet a guy from Ireland once that was named 'Con' (from Conrad not Constantinos)
    Yes the Greeks have a lot to answer for including the word 'Podiatry'.
    Now you have to tell me your background and I will reciprocate the favour.
    This will be fun!
    Regards
    Con
     
  18. Great! I'm a post-op transexual red-head from western samoa and occassionally answer to Lucy. Over to you. Don't you just love American Sailors?? ;)

    The US Navy decided that it had too many personnel, so it decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officers would be allowed to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked away with $96,000.

    The third person was a noncom - a grizzly old Master Chief. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted on doing it his way and they decided to go along with him - providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    So the medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop 'em." Then the medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Master Chief's penis and began to work backwards. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where the hell are your testicles?"

    The old Master Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam."
     
  19. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

    He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

    The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

    When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

    Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

    Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, bitch, or I'll give you a slap".

    Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

    Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "You're a lippy b*stard for someone who can't fly."
     
  20. Feeling bored in the office or surgery? Surely not.

    Want to try something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate a dare system. However to do it properly - only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on..........

    ONE-POINT OFFICE/SURGERY DARES

    1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
    2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'must be in the toilet at the time).
    3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
    4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
    say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
    5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
    6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good".
    7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
    8) Walk sideways to your chair when the patient enters the room.
    9) Clean an instrument on your sleeve before lining it up to the patient's foot.


    THREE POINT DARES

    1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
    2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that,I don't want to have to repeat it".
    3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
    4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
    5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

    FIVE POINT DARES

    1) At the end of a staff meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points
    if you actually launch into it yourself).
    2) Walk into a manager's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
    3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
    4) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
    5) Sniff a patient's foot, close your eyes and say "....lovely"
    6) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
    7) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,I'll never go hungry again."
    8) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
    9) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
    10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
    11) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
    12) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
     
  21. An old couple have been married for many years. The husband goes to the doctor because he's worried his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor tells him there's a simple test to carry out to check his wife's ears, "Just stand a certain distance behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer move a bit closer and ask the question again until finally she answers."

    The old man goes home. His wife is in the kitchen making dinner. So he stands in the living room and asks "What's for dinner, love?"

    His wife doesn't say anything.

    So he moves to the kitchen doorway and asks again, "What's for dinner, love?"

    Again, his wife doesn't respond. So he walks right up behind and asks once more, "What's for dinner, love?"

    And his wife replies, "For the third time, chicken."
     
  22. conp

    conp Active Member

    Lucy! my dear, I need more ammunition but I will give it a shot. All in good taste however.

    There was an Englishman, an American (ex-US sailor) and a Japanese man all in the waiting room waiting anxiously as they were all expectant fathers. Suddenly the door opens and the obstetrician announces the safe arrival of three boys.
    "However" says the doctor. "We have a small problem".

    "What is that?" the fathers asked.

    "We forgot to give them name tags and now we are not sure who is who, so we would like you to identify them".

    "Sure" said the Englishman. "Can I go first?" He asked eagerly.

    And so the Englishmen went in and looked at the boys. He looked carefully and pointed to the Japanese newborn. The doctor looked suprised and said "Are you sure?"

    The englishman replied "Well I can't take the chance of picking the American". (ouch!)

    All in good taste
    Con
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2006
  23. Q: What's the worst part of a sex change operation? (Quite popular in Samoa seemingly....)

    A: When they take out half your brain and make your mouth twice as big.


    ******************

    A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

    The barman approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

    The barman tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

    The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

    The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

    The barman states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

    The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."


    .........You're going love this.........









    The barman says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
     
  24. Woman gets sharp chest pains so goes to the doc who asks her to undress , examines her and says, "You have acute angina."

    She says "nice of you to say so, but what about these chest pains."

    ***

    Dublin girl seeing the same doctor with chest pains. Same thorough examination. Doc says "Hmm...Angina."

    Girl says "Angina? I'm bleedin lovin it!"

    ***

    There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't
     
  25. True story:

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of Good Vibrations Erotic Emporium in San Fransisco. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales assistant, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave vivivivibbbbrrrrraaatitititors?"

    Georgina (for that is the assistant's name), politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have vibrators. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    Georgina responds, "Yes we do."

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe ddadaaaaammnn ttthinggg offffff?"
     
  26. Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

    "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

    The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

    The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

    Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
     
  27. conp

    conp Active Member

    That's good!!
     
  28. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    hey mr russell sir, i just worked out the "potato clock" one...........
     
  29. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    hey mr russell sir, i just got the "potato clock" one............
     
  30. markjohconley

    markjohconley Well-Known Member

    twice obviously
     
  31. Heading in the right direction man. What you need now is a vacation in Samoa...

    A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in Western Samoa."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Scots."

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

    "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"

    "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Hamish."
     
  32. conp

    conp Active Member

    markjohconley,
    That was a safe one to say out loud.
     
  33. A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

    After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

    "No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream." :eek:
     
  34. A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."
     
  35. * THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

    Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

    Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

    Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

    After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 15 and 70 a man is like Britain – governed by a prick.
     
  36. Old folks home and this randy old guy has been eyeing the crone in the nextdoor wheelchair. 'Well,' he says eventually, "How about it then?"
    'You've got to be joking!' she replies, "At my age? I don't think so!"
    But after a while she realises that she's feeling quite flattered that anyone is still taking an interest.
    "Well," she says, "tell you what, you stretch your blanket over both our wheelchairs, and I'll just hold your member for you underneath it."
    Any port in a storm, thinks the old guy and they have this somewhat limited relationship for several months - until one day she sees him down by the pond with his blanket stretched over the wheelchair of another old girl. Divots of turf fly as her wheelchair screeches to a stop beside them.
    "What's she got that I haven't got?" she demands.

    "Parkinsons."
     
  37. A tour bus full of senior citizens is driving down the motorway. Suddenly the driver feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around, there's a little old lady offering him a handful of shelled peanuts. He gratefully accepts.

    Fifteen minutes later, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him more peanuts. She repeats this gesture eight times. The ninth time he asks her why they aren't eating the peanuts themselves. She tells him it just isn't possible. They can't chew them with their old teeth.

    "So, ... why do you buy them?" he asks puzzled.

    The old lady replies, "Because we just love the chocolate around them"
     
  38. casanach

    casanach Welcome New Poster

    Only 6 to go then markjo :)
     
  39. how true

    A clergyman in Britain is walking down the beach when the Clouds part and God appears
    "MY SON" he booms"you have been my good and true servant for many years. I wish to reward you. Ask whatever you wish and i shall reward you"

    The clergyman thinks for a minute and eventually replies
    "well i do have to visit The US quite often and i hate flying. Could you build be me a moterway bridge from here to America?"
    There is a pause
    "MY Son are you certain? this would require many billions of tons of concrete, pillars driven miles into the ocean trench, steel for girders, all would know it was a miricle!. Is there anything a little less obvious and ostentatious?"
    The clergyman thinks for a second
    "Well there is one other thing. I've been married for 28 years and i still don't truly understand my wife. Why she laughs why she cries and what it is i've done to make her angry. Could you fix things so that i understand what is happening in her head?"
    There is a pause, then a sigh.
    "Did you want that bridge with 4 lanes or 6?"
     

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