Jokes

Thats really made me laugh, like it

 

Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!

 

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

 

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

 

Six year old to his Mum

"Mummy, I'd like to be a banker when I grow up"

"Don't be sill, son, you can't do both..."

 

Blind guy visits a prostitute but unfortunately ends up with a real crusty old slapper. She's fast on the job though and in no time she's stripped off and running her wrinkled old hands through his hair. As she does this he strokes her spotty backside then immediately recoils in horror.

"It's okay" she croaks "It's just bad acne"

"Thank God" he gasps "I thought it was the friggin' price list!"

 

A baby seal walks into a club........

 

A blond construction worker walks up to her blond work mate who's nailing shingles onto the side of a house.
She notices that she's throwing almost every other nail away.
"What the hell are you doing?" the first blond asks.
"Some of these nails are defective, the heads are on the wrong end."
"Oh my God, you are such an idiot" the first blond replies "Those are for the OTHER SIDE of the house!!!"

 

Something I saw written on a T-shirt a little while ago:

I still miss my ex
....

But my aim's getting better!

 

Two young enthusiastic podiatrists were having lunch in a park when a man approached, shuffling along with his knees pressed together, fists clenched and doubled up.

"What do you reckon is wrong with him?" asked one podiatrist to the other.

"Sever arthritis, I would think."

"Nah... I think it's patello-femoral syndrome." he replied and they got to arguing amicably.

Suddenly the man came up to the two podiatrists and through clenched teeth asked, "Can you tell me where the toilet is?"

 

At a podiatry seminar in someplace USA three DPMs with foot and leg wounds are waiting to pee, one to poop and another is washing his hands whilst another is combing his hair. There is a smell in the room and one of them shouts that a toilet is overflowing. How many US podiatrists does it take to flush a toilet?

None, they are too busy fighting with each other about what certifying board is qualified for the procedure. The toilet overflow seeps about the room.

How many podiatrists does it take to clean up the mess?
They are still arguing and carry on with their objectives.

The dirty toilet water has flooded the floor of the room and seeped into the clothing and subsequent wounds of the podiatrists feet and legs. One of the podiatrists yelps that he got dirty toilet sewage water on his leg. All of them look at it, which one offers to treat the wound?

Answer none of them.

It is above the scope of practice allowable to podiatrists in that state and they call the physicans assistant from the convention next door and the wounded podiatrist dies from sepsis and his family sues the convention center which vows never to hold a podiatry conference again.

 

You are one very sad little individual. I have read a few of your posts. And maybe, it is time for you to speak to someone....... you know professionally? Resolve some of these obvious feelings of inadequacy.

Then, maybe this drivel will stop. Hope this helps.

 

I have an appointment today with yo.

Yo mamma.


Dear serious pod if you have been inhaling too much nail dust maybe you should see someone too.


How many days does it take for a defensive pod to get a joke?

I am clinically depressed and have been on heavy orthotic treatment for years and will see my podiatrist for a correction - adjustment of some valgus deviation to correct this imbalance.

I am not so little because of the DPM growing in my head and hopefully yo will remove it.

Before I go see yo
I gotta go make some dough
I will take my DPM
Make some loot and go there when
beggin at the Freeways end
this is how this folk will pay
its written on my sign to say
will work for clippin toenails friend
and pay to fix my twisted way
My mind is somewhat fuzzy
now I see you are an Ozzy
So I write a bit too schlocky
perhaps you'll call me
some gin jockey
I tied to use my penis pump
but found it tossed into the
dump

 

One to share.

A little long but these 'real life' type experiences make me smile.

This guys sense of humour is great (I think).

I particularly liked No. 13.

Hope you enjoy a smile too.....



Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy ...This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it t fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but?then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

An elderly man in Queensland owned a large farm with a picturesque pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn' t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocs.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

Hey Mandy....got to be patriotic - prefer Billy Connolly's version....



If you like this, his views on radical islam will have the same effect as the laxitives

 

:drinks Let's talk about feet! :drinks


A blokes walks into a bar at the local pub, and the barman notices that there's a cockatoo perched on the bloke's head.

"What have you got there, mate?" the barman asks.

"Dunno," the cockatoo replied, "but would you believe that it started out as a wart on my foot!"

Nyuk. Nyuk. :santa:

 

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

... Because he kneaded a poo

 

netizens

...a merry quip.


A young couple were planning to get married. Unfortunatley the groom had very smelly feet and the bride had terrible halitosis and neither of them wanted the other to discover their secret. The groom decided to always wear socks, and bride would never say a word in the morning until she had brushed her teeth. For the first six months after they were married neither one knew of the others problem, thanks to his perpetual wearing of socks and her morning silence. One morning however shortly before dawn, the husband woke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. He frantically searched the bed but could not find it anywhere. At the movement she woke and without thinking, turned to him and asked,
"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replied, "you've swallowed my sock!"

 

A man comes into the office with his wife, she's having foot pain but isn't talking. I get the history through him.

He states that his wife thinks she's a CHICKEN!!!!

" That's Terrible. Why don't you have her committed so she can get help?" I ask.

"I would" the husband replies "but I don't want to give up all the free eggs!"

Steve

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

(It made me smile)

 

Morning all,

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


'Very well,' said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I'm about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen!

 

Me again

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


(My favourite)


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

ttfn Mand'

 

It's not well known but in the final days before Obama was elected, in desperation George Bush came to see the Queen of England for her advice.

"Do you think that the good 'ol U S of A would be better off as a Kingdom?"

"No; you need a King to rule a Kingdom"

"Well, how 'bout a Principality?"

"No; you need a Prince to rule a Principality"

"How 'bout a Dutchy?"

" No; you need a Duke to rule a Dutchy ".

" Well, what should I do ?"

" Mr Bush, the U.S.A. should continue as a country "

Bill Liggins

:drinks

 

Hi Bill

I heard that one aimed at Gordon (The one eyed Scottish idiot) Brown

Equally fitting in either case I fear

Cheers
Derek

 

Subject: Some golf quotes to use next time..

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy : "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir

 

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open..' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

 

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

 

& yet another...............

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

of course this also applies if men cook

 

How do you make a podiatrist laugh????

Tickle their feet!!!

What a corny one that is......... I'm on fire today with my wit and enthusiasm haha!!!

Bet ya that one has already been done?!?

 

If you receive any emails from government departments advising you not to eat tinned pork - ignore or delete them. It's just Spam.

 

“.... ahhhhhh, feeling better already .....”

 

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile,

she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the

one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his

bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot,

steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,?

gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her

eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

Overheard converation between 2 men:

I could not believe my eyes, I was driving down the motorway and a woman passed me in her Audi putting on eye make up - I nearly cut myself shaving and slurped me coffee!!

 

An English man is working in the Stock market in Hong Kong.. the whole company is having a bad day.. people are losing money left, right and centre.

One of his chinese colleagues turns round to the english man and says: "what going wrong on stock market??!!"

The english man replies: "Fluctuations."

The chinese man frowns and shouts: "Fluc you British too!!"

 

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE
ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY
EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL
WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT
WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE
TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS
GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY

MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS
SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE
SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND,

GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF

HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH

WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS
AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,
TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM
BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED

UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU
WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO
YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,

AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT
MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

 

Some anagrams to ponder....


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

and finally.....

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

 

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have
To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF C*NDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE
THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

The Tax Auditor and the Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,"I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?"


"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"


"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the Inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,

and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong!