Great Quotes

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We have our Quote of the year - Generally a Mark Russell from the sound of things and many have well know quotes as a sign off. such as ask not what your country can do for you.......


I Love a good Quote in the triva file, so maybe a thread of the best ....

Here´s one to start.

Ned Kelly famous bushranger from Australia just as he was about to say hello to the hangmans noose for many things including stealing a few cows ..... Such is Life


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ned_Kelly

 

-If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee!
-Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!

Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

 

The great tragedy of life is the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact - TH Huxley

 

This gets my vote.

 

I liked Blacksmiths` quote;

Student nurse: "I didn`t realise it took three years to learn how to cut someones nails!"
Pod lecturer: "I didn`t realise it took three years to learn to wipe somebodys arse"


Bel

 

Acerbic wit seems to be a requirement for British Prime Ministers

A member of the house of commons, Outraged, to the speaker:-

Sir! The prime minister is asleep!!
Lord Russell

No I was not asleep, but I wish to God I had been

The Earl of Bute on the Duke of Newcastle

“A man of little mind, of consummate vanity, and very slender abilities.”

And my favourite


Lord Salisbury

“No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes.”

 

You want Socratic philosophical reasoning in one liners you need to read **** my dad says (thanks to Ian Griffiths) the book made me laugh out load- lots.

Here's a web link..
http://twitter.com/****mydadsays
The dad in question is a retired medical researcher.
****, ****, bolllocks, wank, it won't let me paste a working link because of the word ****, google "sh!t my dad says", ****ing rubbish. This censorship, not the book.

I get it, I can say bollocks and wank, but not **** or ****.... man I love censorship. Cock, tool, hampton, todger, knob, beef sword, wang, great huge wobbly dangly bits, double anal fisting etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_osQvkeNRM

But heaven help society if I use the word "sh!t"

 

This forum never used to have a profanity filter on it!

**** me!

 

So lets discuss levels of perceived (by other) profanity, on a 10 point scale **** is obviously top, but I'd have put bollocks higher than sh!t. If these words are in the dictionary, then why is it taboo to use them?...... "but its subversive, lock up your daughters... " Juveniles read Podiatry Arena on a regular basis, they could be influenced by it, right after they have taken a deep pull on the crack pipe down the park.

Now, I don't pretend to be Roger Mellie... go google people. But I do suspect I shall be referring to the "good book" more frequently in future.

 

I know a group of people at work who had similar problems with profanity monitoring of outgoing e mails. Instead of using various punctuation marks, they referred to everything through the profanisaurus

Example if someone needed to go to the toilet, it would be announced as such

on the slipway adj. Of stools and stool movement, to have the turtles head (qv). As in “Get out of the bathroom will you, I’ve got one on the slipway”.

If you are very into childish, base toilet humour...like me, then read "Dirty Sanchez" in the profanisaurus, then read "Dirty Bepe" - appauling.

Robin

 

Before it gets too low brow

I found this list, had some good ones.

 

Oops! On 1st read :

I thought it read...............

'
"Political correctness is a tranny with manners."
- Charlton Heston (1924-)

Oh dear. Back to square one.......

 

"One death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."

Hermann Goering


"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."

Mayor Salvor Hardin, Foundation (written by Isaac Asimov)


"A gun can point in both directions."

Mayor Salvor Hardin, Foundation (written by Isaac Asimov)


"He never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity."

Abba Eban referring to Yassir Arafat


"S**t happens."

Anon

 

Winston Churchill in an exchange with a lady member...

"Mr Churchill you are drunk" !!

Churchill replies

"And madam you are ugly.....But in the morning I'll be sober"

Love it

Cheers
D

 

"I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest." - Muhammad Ali

 

On the subject of Churchill's numerous put downs:

His secretary announced that the Lord Chamberlain had arrived to see him. Churchill retreated to his bathroom with the words 'You can tell the Lord Chamberlain that I'm in the toilet and that I can only deal with one sh!t at a time

Later in life when he appeared in a corridor in the House of Commons, having used a toilet and neglecting to - as they say - adjust his clothing, he was confronted by Nancy Astor (who he hated). 'Mr Churchill, she wailed, you are sticking out'. Churchill glanced down and replied 'Madam, you flatter yourself, I merely dangle!'

Bill Liggins

 

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Cheers
D

 

Wise words O' Delly.

X Grasshopper

 

i think it was Findlay Calder ( a great scottish rugby player) who said to the referee
" what would happen if i called you a bastard"
ref - " i'd have to send you off"
FC- "what if i just thought you were a bastard"
ref- "that would be ok"
FC - "Fine" says Findlay " i think you are a bastard"

fantastic
JB

 

Homer Simpson: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen"

and a whole lot more from the great man here

 

another great one from the late great John Lambie who at the time was manager of Partick Thistle FC ( overseas readers go google)
one of his players got a head knock and the trainer comes back to Lambie and says " he's got concussion boss" to which Lambie replied " great. when he comes round tell him he's f***in' Ronaldo!"

top drawer
JB

 

Probably cheating, because he is a fictional character, but Detective Inspector Gene Hunt (Ashes to Ashes) - and I'm really sorry for those across the pond who only had the peurile version (why do American stations think that Americans are unable to understand British [and Irish] TV shows?):

"That slag's got fingers in more pies than a leper in a pie factory"

More to come

Bill Liggins

 

HERO! By the way, Life On Mars was far superior.

 

Yes, I agree, but the final episode of A2A was an absolutely brilliant combination of imaginative writing, superb direction and tremendous acting. Quote number 2

'She was more frightened than a short nun in a penguin shoot'.

Bill

 

Agreed, I'd sussed it though.
lot's of Gene Hunt here:
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0025007/quotes

 

Where did Piss Poor come from?

Interesting History


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot.....they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,
a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone
could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

Cheers
D

 

Indeed. Decent music too.

 

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Winnie the Pooh

 

Nice of you to say
Cheers
D

 

If the cap fits?

 

Fanks

BUT

I''m already 100 ( or that's what it feels like :wacko

Cheers
D x

 

OK, Methusa

:dizzy:

 

Shalom

Cheers
D