Emails that keep you sane

Many thanks to the sender of the following email,

(you know who you are)

Dear Girlfriends,

Please Please Please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking, young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look!


http://bl144w.blu144.mail.live.com/...ff9b72748a283ebe7a958478aa8353525a27cc5ef30c8


http://bl144w.blu144.mail.live.com/...ff9b72748a283ebe7a958478aa8353525a27cc5ef30c8



When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's . You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Dec 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!!!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.


Please note: Only click on the picture links if you are not of a nervous disposition. I would have omitted them from the post though I feel they assist in justifying the content.

 

A physio friend of mine from uni just posted this on her facebook account. Made me chuckle.

"I say: so tell me how the injury happened? "

"Patient (with very little english); Christmas Day. I Drink. I Drive. I crash because of ice!!"

 

Personally I never put my rollers in until 'Himself' is sleeping soundly.

 

Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'OESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


Have a happy March everyone x

 

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:
























Bugger ..

I forgot what it was....

 

Was sent this today and it tickled me:

The 20 funniest suggestions from Google suggest

 

This is the website of an Australian dude who from what I gather gets into brilliantly random email conversations with people for nothing other than his own amusement. And he is very amusing. You have to read the emails of the full coversations to get full comic effect.

My favourites:

Simon's Pie Charts
Overdue Account
Blockbuster Late Fees
Party in Apartment 3

 

This gem arrived in my in box today.

Laughed muchly...................



Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 

A bit tame compared to some of the very funny previous posts but still worth sharing... an email I received from my sister today, in it's simple entirety:


Parenting lesson No. 523: When you put a toddler into the hall on a time out because he is repeatedly throwing spaghetti bolognaise, make sure you clean his hands first.


Parenting Lesson No. 524: Make sure your hall paint is the type that can be wiped down.

 

Words of wisdom.....................

 

A sad tale.........................


When Love Fades...


Bill was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's' voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.

 

Thanks to the NHS colleague who sent me the following.

:drinks

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find
enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR
manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits
and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something."

 

As you requested Twirls

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.

D

 

Have spent my 'smoko' busily forwarding above to my relies, been snorking myself silly as i'm rereading them, THANKS, enjoying them immensely!

 

Forwarded to me yesterday. This I had to share.

A beautiful video showing just what love, courage & determination can achieve.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJMbk9dtpdY

 

Hi Twirls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJMbk9dtpdY

Look how do you expect me to work ?? After watching that my eyes are watering

Must be hay fever

What an absolutely humbling story and a lesson to us all of what love can achieve.

Thanks for sharing
Cheers
D

 

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

 

G'day Mandy, yep, just what Derek said!

 

On the subject of father and son bonding: http://twitter.com/****mydadsays

Edit: Nice bit of code the arena has here - it blanks out naughty words! That also means the above link won't work. Instead of **** you need to type 'sh!t' (but with an i not an exclamation mark)

 

Dear all,

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.



I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

Something to offend anyone Irish, blonde or both. :empathy:

So, anyone from the emerald isle with fair hair stop reading now.


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We Need the height, and she gives us the f***** length!!

 

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Cheers
D

 

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS ​

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watchwhat we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He alsowets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beerand she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

 

LMAO
Nice one Twirls
D

 

Surely the greatest ever letter of complaint - if only I had written it!

Enjoy

Neil

 

New British Government Emblem




Official Announcement:

The British Government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Cheers
D

 

Some you just have to share.

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well,he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting
out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but
7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're
knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the
week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it
flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first
minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I
remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously
my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know
into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be
more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

 

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1..My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2..I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5..Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7..Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10....Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

 

Subject: DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA

No offence to those living in Newman and the flippin is a substitute

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun
in a climate like this.


October 20th

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for
work this morning.

By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.



October 25

This wind is a b**tard. It feels like a giant flipin' blow dryer. And
it's hot as hell!

The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200
just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from flipin' Perth.



October 30th

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for
the flipin' aircon.

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000
house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?



November 4

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.

Stupid repairman.

November 8

If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to
flipin' throttle him. Flipin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking flipin' wet and I smell like baked cat!


November 9

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my flipin' arse was on fire. I lost two
layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my flipin' arse. Now the car
smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10

Weather report! It might as well be a flipin' recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and flipin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two flipin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn flipin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the flipin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flipin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the flipers!



November 20th

Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 flipin' degrees today. Now the air
conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fliper.

Flipin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented flipin' idiot would want to
live here!


December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are flipin' kidding!
__________________

 

I was talking to my lovely aunt who lives in Gawler Australia today. I mentioned how HUGE the spiders are in our garden this year.

She said the spidey wideys in Oz are much scarier & has just emailed me the following map to prove how hazardous Australia actually is.

 

Larfed & larfed x

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


:empathy:

 

“Middle Wife”, by a 2nd grade Teacher. I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they are welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother and I am going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She is standing there with her hands on the pillow and I am trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement..

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she does not have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting but never even got past ten then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I am sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it is show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 

Hi All

A little interactive amusement




http://www.youtube.com/user/tippexperience

Enjoy

Cheers
D

 

Just saw this picture doing the rounds and it tickled me so thought I'd share. The world number 2 back to his old tricks...

 

For all those who may be less than happy with our Govt.

Kind regards,

Mandy.

 

Hi All
Arrived in my inbox.....how true !!!


CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
>
> 1930's 1940's, 50's and 60's!
>
>
> First, we survived being born to mothers who drank while they carried us &
> lived in houses made of asbestos.
> They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and
> processed meat, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes or
> cervical cancer.
>
>
> Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
> lead-based paints.
>
>
> We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
> we
> rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we
> took hitchhiking.
>
>
> As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
>
>
> We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle...
>
>
> Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds ,
> KFC, Subway or Nandos.
>
>
> Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the
> weekends,
> somehow we didn't starve to death!
>
>
> We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
> actually died from this.
>
>
> We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store
> and
> buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs
> with.
>
>
> We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with
> sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
>
>
> WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
>
>
> We could leave home in the morning & play all day as long as we were back
> when the streetlights came on.
>
>
> No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
>
>
> We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride
> down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. We built tree
> houses
> and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars..
>
>
> We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at
> all,
> no 999 channels on SKY, no video or dvd,
> no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
> rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
>
>
> We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones & teeth & there were no
> lawsuits
> from these accidents.
>
>
> Only girls had pierced ears!
>
>
> We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
> forever.
>
>
> You could only buy Easter Eggs & Hot Cross Buns at Easter...
>
>
>
> We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
>
>
> We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
> rang
> the bell, or just yelled for them!
>
> Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
>
>
>
> RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
> didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting
> into
> the team was based on
> MERIT
>
>
> The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
> They actually sided with the law!
>
>
> Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and
> 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
>
>
> We had freedom, failure, success & responsibility
> and we learned HOW TO
> DEAL WITH IT ALL !
>
>
> And YOU are one of them!
> CONGRATULATIONS!
>
>
> You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up
> as
> kids before the lawyers & the government regulated our lives for our own
> good.
>
>
> And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how
> brave
> their parents were.
>
> PS-The big type is because your eyes are probably not too good anymore
>

I am one of those people and I'm still around so...........

Cheers
D ;-)

 

Old Men...

I was in Tesco the other day pushing my trolley around when I
collided with a young man pushing his trolley.

I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on..

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'



In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

 

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Unsure if this is urban myth or real. Received this today & given the IQ of our current government I would not be surprised. All a similar clan of liars & cheats. Only my humble opinion you understand. [/FONT]

Kindest regards,

Mandy.

 

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?





For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizermagnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, BullSchitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,



Crock O. Schitt