Emails that keep you sane

NEW WORD

Exhaustipated
Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!
Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a s**t.


Cheers
D

 

Can we not relate this to local Management?

Is sex work or pleasure

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....

Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
• A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
• A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
• A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

May God Bless the lower ranks.

cheers
D

 

Companies, who didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!






1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island ....' It can be found at:
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com/


Cheers
D

 

Subject: Adult Scrabble



Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I

…………………
(scroll Down)










People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my nutty friends...

Cheers
D

 

There are two theories to arguing with a woman, neither of them work!


AREN'T YOU PROUD TO BE OLD?

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO
ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.



~Your Kids are becoming you.....but your grandchildren are
Perfect!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people
forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything
.... Especially Golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than
in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an
"ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe
to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies,
and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!"
and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells
What Kind Of Life You Have Lived


Cheers
D

 

HELL EXPLAINED


BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, IT will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Cheers
D

 

Moral of the story: don't EVER take a man shopping unless he wants to go




RETIRED HUSBAND!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Tygervalley.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Tygervalley :

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
Listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!
15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 20: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Cheers
D

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says,

"Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied,





"Because you're in Halfords."


Cheers
D

 

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
And Happy New Year

Cheers
D

 

Fifty Shades of Grey (hair)

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag
T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared
Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope
The other, held a whip!
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well forty years or so, ago,
I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well
She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn’t be much grimmer
And things progressed from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer !

She struggled back up to her feet,
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit and
Jumping back in fright I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

Cheers
D

 

:santa: A little something for everyone:


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2010
RE: Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty






Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2010
RE: Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year..
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2010
RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2010
RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2010
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!




Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2010
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan

Whatever you are doing I wish everyone a safe & happy time x

 

Xmas Legal Greeting

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
1.This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2.It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
3.It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
4.The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher
.
Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).

Cheers
D

 

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)



Wisdom from Grandpa......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.



Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.





When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.




If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.



On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.



A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washing', ironing', cooking' and scrubbing'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."




Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. But once married they think they are now the C.O!



Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.




Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.



Have a GREAT day........and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul .


And remember my motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
And pay the undertaker with a bad cheque.

Cheers
D

 

David Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways
of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind. Probably always on time delay these days.

David Feherty Quotes:

“Fortunately, he (Rory McIIroy) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ Singh hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

"Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmy's nipple."

Cheers
D

 

Why people go south for winter




http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xkk7DX0l95A&Lid=12

Hope this link works

Cheers
D

 

Been round before but worth another look..
sorry not sure how to add attachments correctly
Admin, realise you're busy fighting spam but would you edit appropriately, thanks, mark

 

After HMV and Blockbusters, I thought Millets was in trouble when I saw a man standing outside my local branch yesterday dressed as Richard the Third.

He was saying “Now is the Winter of our Discount Tents”…..




And I’ve just done our weekly shop and picked up these – good value I thought…




Paddy Power, the Irish bookies, have offered odds on what animal other than a cow would be found next in a supermarket burger.
Apparently you can get 2/1 for Deer, which is the favourite, and 500/1 for longshot Bigfoot.



And vegetarians aren’t safe either – there’s uniQuorn in Tesco’s veggie burgers


Those Aldi horse burgers are nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony


Might give Tesco's meatballs a try, heard they're the dogs bollocks…..


Although personally I can't wait to try the new Tesco quarter pandas or tiger prawns.


I think someone may be sending me death threats – I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.


I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.


Follow "Tesco Customer Care" on Twitter. I love the way they fell for the enquiry from the Chesterfield bloke about Red Rum!
Just had a burger for lunch...got the trots now...

Tesco’s have just checked all their burgers....aaaaaaannndd they’re off

Earlier today Tesco commissioned a Gallup poll to see where they went wrong

and finally….

Breaking News: Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes



Cheers
D

 

Will You Live to see 100 yrs old?


Here's something to think about.

I recently saw a new doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. ( I just reached 55)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 100?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to be 100?

Cheers
D

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

*****
Gardening Rule : When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

*****

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

*****

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

*****

There are two kinds of pedestrians : the quick and the dead.

*****

Life is sexually transmitted.

*****

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

*****

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

*****

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

*****

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

*****

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

*****

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

*****

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

*****

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start
a campfire?

*****

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

*****

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

 

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'
scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tescos
supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.


Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Dunnes.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting
herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!


I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th.
On November1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.


So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this
scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for €1.99 each but Lidl wallets are
€1.75 and look better.

Cheers
D

 

An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!




Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably didn't know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.


Cheers
D

 

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it.."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Cheers
D

 

Here is a chicken recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that!
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
1 medium size chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door off and the chicken flies across the room, it is done

And you thought I couldn't cook.

Cheers
D

 

The "Wellie Boots" (Rubber Boots)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boots"?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellies" still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellies" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellies" back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellies" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellies" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellies", My mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellies" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellies".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

Cheers
D

 

Subject: New Laws
>
>
>
> For those who haven't heard,
>
> Washington State just passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalized
> marijuana.
>
> The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
> makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:
>
> "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
>
> We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.
>
Cheers
D

 

Church Ladies With Typewriters




\They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------


Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Cheers
D

 

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
F **k....


Cheers
D

 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
Especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

 

This Guy has a sense of humour

Worth a look




http://millmore.posterous.com/yeoman-warden-at-tower-of-london

Cheers
D

 

Subject: Woman Of 65



A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.



While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.



She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



(You'll love this)

















God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

Cheers
D

 

......
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front garden. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised." Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.





Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here, we might as well dance.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate.

Cheers
D

 

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood...
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!" .....

Cheers
D

 

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.


Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you.'!!!


Cheers
D

 

Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,


'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep s**t.'

Cheers
D

 

Just received this, don't know if it's been posted before...funny stuff.
============================================

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a
job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


David Bissonette





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sacha Guitry






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates





Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous





The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?"


Dumas





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud





'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous





'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison





'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra





Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murra





The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


Nash





You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous





My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.


Henny Youngman






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Rodney Dangerfield





A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous





First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


Anonymous


Cheers
D

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he
was shot by the woman's husband


Cheers
D

 

Title Love your Job ?

I'll never complain about my job again!!!!




This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below...


Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad
after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
Sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two
days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~


Cheers
D