Jokes

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Heathrow. A
> beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He
> thinks that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty
> flight attendant. He decides to have a go at picking her up by
> identifying the airline she flies for.
>
> >
>
> > He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines
> motto: " We love to
>
> > fly and it shows ".
>
> >
>
> > The woman looks at him blankly.
>
> > He sits back and thinks up another line.
>
> >
>
> > He leans forward again and delivers the Air France
> motto: "Winning the
>
> > hearts of the world".
>
> >
>
> > Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled
> look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the
> Malaysian Airlines
>
> > motto: "Going beyond expectations".
>
> >
>
> > The woman looks at him sternly and says; "What the f**k
> do you want?"
>
> >
>
> > "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face,
> "You're with Ryanair"!!!

Cheers
D

 

Marriage is like a pack of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Con

 

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"


The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees"

 

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window!

 

This is not a funny joke(unless you are pre school age) but I had to put it on here because my (just turned) 3 year old daughter told me it with no prompting from anyone

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

A: Because he wan't peeling well

Cute!

 

YOU MUST SEE THIS ...YOU WILL FALL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR....
Subject: Mrs. Brown gets a Bikini Wax!!!




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0

Cheers
D

 

Banned from Sainsbury's Supermarket
Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the
checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended
up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive
care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's
arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Cheers
D

 

not all PC ...But

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change my supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


Cheers
D

 

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the heck is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded!
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up, asked:

"Does she still have hiccups?"

 

Manure ... an interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilisers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!




Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.




Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T' (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term

So did I !!!!

cheers
D

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community,
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little f ----- on your knee."

 

An Australian Love Poem.
(Who said that Australians weren't romantic?)


Of course I love you darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So your bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell you, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle you
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yours just gave in to gravity
But I know you did your best

I'm tellin' you the truth now
I never tell you lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on my nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever going to get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love you dear
Now shut up while the footie's on
And fetch another beer.


Cheers
D

 

The kindness and empathy of a typical Scotsman!


A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let the m play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
Cheers
D

 

Aussie folklore
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****'

Cheers
D

 

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial
or ethnic minority, so try this one:


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African, all went to a night club.
>
>
>
>


The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


Cheers
D

 

He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends. On the way out
the door, he answered his wife’s “What time will you be home?” question
with “Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the course.”

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about
7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and
presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when
alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her
car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a
place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she
suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's
a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a
bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple
more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very
friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we
were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late
getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said, "Don't bull**** me --
you played 36 holes, didn't you?”

Cheers
D

 

So true. Wives hate golf. Period

 

Don't even get me started. My Mrs has just turned the screw and I've had to cancel my tee time this Sunday. "But we won't see each other for the next 3 days whilst your at this summer school..." Or something like that - I stopped listening half way through to tell the truth.

 

I think your wife is a kind, gentle soul. I would have sold the clubs on Ebay & spent the money on shoes

 

Dont worry mate after you have been married a few years she will make the tee booking for you !!!

Cheers
D

 

Roll on those days.

I'm getting stick about summer school. I said I was going 9 months ago when it was first advertised. Good idea said the bfl-CPD and all that. Now it its this weekend and all of a sudden I am away on the busiest weekend of the year and we have double booked events and have a staffing crisis.

Funny thing is that there is always some reason why anything I do that doesn't involve her is enormously inconvenient.

Going to the bathroom now to scrub of the thumbprint off my forehead.

 

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Cheers
D

 

Gym goer 1: Did you hear about that guy who grew a cock on his forehead after taking some of those muscle building steroids?

Gym goer 2: Anabolic?

Gym goer 1: No, just a cock.

 

The Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him outof $10 Million. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about "The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him. "Guido signs back, "OK.! You win!

The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?

"The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and fainted.






On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!!!

Cheers
D

 

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, ....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

 

My bloody next door neighbour knocked on my door at 2 30 in the morning. Can you believe it.....2.30 am!!!!

Lucky for him i was up playing my bagpipes

IG, that one was just for you. Tim Vine eat your heart out

RP

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night

Lucky for me I managed to fight him off with a vaccuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death?

 

So I said to this Scotsman, "did you have spots when you were a teenager?"

He said "ach nee".

 

Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings.

I was Tolkien in my sleep

 

I understand this may appeal to the UK male readers.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durexfactory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms willbe used up by the end of the week."


Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll beruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughingstock. What about the UK?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long andthree inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had justarrived. He foundit full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

 

Sex On Mars


The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Cheers
D

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of the bed.

At first I was afraid......then I was petrified.

 

My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

I've got a very normal toilet.

Bog standard.

 

I fell over in a bookies once.

It was a betting slip.

 

The advantage of easy origami is twofold.

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said, "you're pulling my leg"

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.



Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'



Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.



Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher satdown and cried.

Cheers
D

 

Slips of the tongue
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


Cheers
D