Jokes

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....


Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'


Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Cheers
D

 

A friend forwarded the following:

Magical moments in later years......

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.


After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.


Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.


As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....








Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

















Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Romance is ageless................

 

Twirls
Have a look at the joke before darlin (441)
Sound familier ?????
Keep up pleeeeeeze keep up
Cheers Hun
Dxx

 

I imagine that quite a few of you guys out there will identify with this fellow's life experience !



The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Cheers
D

 

What do you call an Englishman with a set of weights on his head?
Jim

 

Please, take care of yourself.
A recent joint study conducted by the Vic. Dept. of Health and
the RTA indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a***holes who
just drink tea, coffee, lattes, carbonated drinks, juices, milkshakes
and **** like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.


(This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being).

Cheers
D

 

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

F***kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

cheers
D

 

A rabbit stops at a pub one night after a long day at work and sees a sign that says 'Pint & a toasty offer', so he goes in and says to the barman " I'd like a toasty and a pint please". So the barman replies " What kind would you like? We have cheese and onion or cheese and ham."
The rabbit says "I'd like cheese and ham if I may." The barman takes his money, serves him with a lovely hot toasty and gives him with his pint. The rabbit finishes, and leaves to go home. The next day he goes in and has another cheese and ham toastie and the day after that, until eventually the whole week through, the rabbit has these toasies.
A week passes and the rabbit hasn't been in and the barman started to worry about his regular guest, when one day the ghost of the rabbit comes in.
"What happened!?!" The barman asks and the rabbit replied "The last toasty you served me was cheese and onion, because you were out of ham. I died of mixing-my-toasties!"

 

Black Panties

Marie had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'

Cheers
D

 

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Cheers
D

 

A nun gets into a cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver is staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: No.1, you have To be single and No.2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
Cheers
D

 

Subj: Irish Poetry hahaha !!!


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and an Irish man.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Irishman top that, they thought.








The Irish calmly made his way to the microphone and recited his poem:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!



Cheers
D

 

> A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose
> of Viagra.
>
> > The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
>
> >
>
> > "Why not?" asked the man.
>
> >
>
> > "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
>
> >
>
> > "But I need it really bad," said the man.
>
> >
>
> > "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
>
> >
>
> > The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my
> ex-wife
>
> > will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on
> Sunday. Can't
>
> > you see? I must have a double dose."
>
> >
>
> > The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to
> you, but you
>
> > have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to
> see if
>
> > there are any side effects."
>
> >
>
> > On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a
> sling.
>
> >
>
> > The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
>
> >
>
> > The man said, "No one showed up".
>

Cheers
D

 

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian' !

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel

Cheers
D

 

The long winter evenings must just fly by.....!

 

Damn, 'conley' syndrome must be catching!

 

I have to say that I am slightly concerned by the unhealthy level of racism evident in some of these jokes, I refer of course to the jokes which portray the Irish as slow witted idiots.

It leaves me to wonder if these jokes were aimed at African Americans and centred on their purported shortcomings or racial differences would they still be tolerated? I suspect they would be flagged immediately and the poster made the justifiable subject of scorn and opprobrium...just a thought!

 

Hi Brendan

Blondisms, Americanisms, sexisms, Englishisms, religisisms, lesbiaisms, Irishisms, homophobisms, ageisms, Liverpoolisms, cockneyisms, Scottishisms, Welshisms, etc. etc. (I haven't been though them all) and generally some very off colour jokes all find their place on these pages. I am sure that future posters will be very PC and avoid upsetting you. However, I love Ireland; Mrs Brown's Boys is for my money the funniest programme on (British) TV for years and I have a friend from Kerry who tells me that the Irish tell Kerryman jokes (and no, he doesn't get offended).

Just to cheer you up, here's an Irish (and coloured) joke:

Q. What's black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea? A. People who tell Irish jokes.

All the best

Bill Liggins

PS I'm too thick to fully understand James Joyce's Ulysses

 

OK Bill, maybe I was just caught at one of my more sensitive moments there and over-reacted. My folks are from Tralee in Kerry and it's true what you say about kerrymen, (although I have observed that even in Ireland, it's 'de tick awl Kerryman' who seems to be the universal butt of Irishmen's Irish jokes). Just to show I actually do have a self deprecating sense of humour....

That's my lot, said Paddy leaving the dentist's.
I've just had all my teeth out - never again!

Be Lucky (as they say back home),

Brendan.

 

Another Irish joke!

Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
>
> Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
> draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
> please, Mr. O’Leary."
>
> Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
> his money.
>
> "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we
> are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the
> cheapest beer in Ireland"
>
> "That is remarkable value" Michael comments
>
> "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
> That will be 3 euro please."
>
> O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
> "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro.
> - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a
> Euro."
>
> "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in
> this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small
> and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little
> frame".
>
> "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra
> surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
>
> O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
> laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
> either, that will be another 3 euro."
>
> O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
> the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
> manager".
>
> "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2
> euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
>
> "Do you know who I am?"
>
> "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
>
> "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
> and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
>
> "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9
> and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls
> are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only
> 10 cent per second"
>
> "I will never use this bar again"
>
> "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for
> one Euro".

 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee

and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I

found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone Oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't Sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to WRESTLE. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul..

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'
The man replies,
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day!!'


Cheers
D

 

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"




Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."




Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."




So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"




"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"




Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!




"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."




So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"




Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"




Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"




To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

 

Smart Arse!!!!

Two businessmen in East Fremantle were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, ”Must be doing well... Only two left."

 

Subject: Drinking & driving this Christmas







I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.


As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it. A couple of nights ago I was
out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got it from.

Cheers
D

 

This story is as told by a loving wife....
> >Tom's Scrotum:
> >The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise&
> thanks for answered prayers.
>
> >Suzie Smith rose & walked to the podium... She said, "I have a praise..Two
> months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle crash in which his
> scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating & the doctors didn't
> know if they could help him."
>
> >You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine
> the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
>
> >"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, " & every movement
> caused him agony." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, &
> it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
> scrotum, & wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
>
> >Again, the men in the congregation cringed & squirmed uncomfortably as they
> imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom...
>
> >"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "we thank the Lord that Tom is out
> of the hospital & the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
> completely."
>
> >All the men sighed with unified relief... The pastor rose & tentatively asked
> if anyone else had anything to say.
>
> >A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium......
>
> >
>
> >He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
>
> >"If I may just correct my wife, the word is ‘sternum’."
>

Cheers
D

 

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows..


You can't kill Two Birds


withOneStone!!!

Cheers
D

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

Cheers and Happy New Year
D

 

For Brendan and the politically correct amongst us, I've already passed these by my Irish friends!

A WEE BIT OF IRISH HUMOUR FOR THE NEW YEAR

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

 

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car parked in the local lovers' lane with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks up to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane...and nothing romantic is going on!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

My mate has just been sacked from his job selling tickets on the bumper cars/dodgems

It's ok though - he's going to take legal action for funfair dismissal

 

How often do I make jokes about Chemistry?

Periodically.

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Cheers
D

 

.>Subject: FW: From baby to adult talk.> > > > >>> >
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
>The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!>>You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.>

>She asked John what he had done over the weekend? > >'I went to visit my Nana'. >
>No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. > >Use 'Big People' words!' >

>She then asked Mitchell what he had done >'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. >

>She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. >

>You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. >

>She then asked little Alex what he had done? >'I read a book' he replied. >>That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. >>'What book did you read?'>>>>( I love this... ) >>>>Alex thought real hard about it, > >then puffed out his chest with great pride, > >and said, >

>'Winnie the S**T

Cheers
D

 

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return. She said I
could play with her breasts.

I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.

-----------------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car
stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter..
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil.

---------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------


Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentine's Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”


--------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell burning. I knew something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

----------------------------------

Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
He said “ No….it’s burning my @rse”..

--------------------------------------------------------------
You won’t hear from me
for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta li-lo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

-----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
---------
Cheers
D

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

Three Aussie blokes are working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
After the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.'
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly,' Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." '
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

 

Subject: Morning Sex
>
> >
> >
> >
> > She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
> > and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally
> slept in.
> > As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
> >
> > "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
> >
> > My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
> > going to be my lucky day! "Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
> > her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
> >
> > Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
> > still around her neck.
> >
> > Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Cheers
D

 

Re: Marks last:

An army officer calls the sergeant in and orders him to inform Private Green that his mother has just died. The sergeant (they're the same in any country) lines the squad up and tells Green to take on step forward. He then shouts "Green, your mother's dead. Fall back in line". Although pretty tough, Green, not unnaturally is very distressed.

Two days later the officer calls the sergeant in again to order him to let Smith know that his mother has also died, but this time he is to be more PC and gentle about how he goes about it. The sergeant lines the squad up and yells:

" All those with mothers take one step forward - where the hell do you think you're going Smith?!"