Jokes

Friday afternoon, waiting for the Autoclave to finish, watching the clock and thought this might be topical...

Man says to Dr "Is it better to have bird flu or Swine flu"?

Dr says "oh bird flu definitly"

Man "Why"?

Dr "Cause it's tweetable"!!!!

 

I love this one

Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the
GovernmentR17;s new economic stimulus package....

The Allergists voted to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it and the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said,
'Oh! Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the
Radiologists were able to see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Orthopaedic Specialists made no bones about it.

The Interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow: and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new complexion on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward and the Urologists were
piszed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas: and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out leaving the entire decision up to
the arseholes in Canberra.

 

mark,
did u hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

he would lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

i'll explain it next week if u need help.

 

man wals in to the bar..... ouch

Horse walks into a bar the bartender says why the long face ?

A grasshopper walks into a bar the bartender says hey we have a drink named after you. Grasshopper says what Steve.

 

A man has found the love of his life... her name is Wendy.

After thinking a different way to show his love he decides to get her name tattoed on his Johnson (penis,cock one eyed snake etc )

So after it´s all healed just before the next time they have sex the man shows Wendy. She is very happy with the results. The man is so happy.

The next morning Wendy starts to giggle it doesn´t say Wendy anymore just W Y.

Life continues on and the man and Wendy decide to have a hoilday in Jamaica.

One night when they are out at a bar the man goes to take a leak. A large Rasta walks up next to him. The man has a peak and is surprised to see WY tattoed on the Rasta´s cock.

The man says I see you have a girlfriend name Wendy too. The Rasta looks down and across to the man and says..............

No man Mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY...

 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic.

Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

These are sentences actually typed by medical secretaries



1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: - Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ?Smith?, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

One for the Aussies:

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.




'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'

 

LOL! Love it!

 

now now you 2.

It is pretty funny

 

That joke is so funny thanks. Reminds me of this one which is not as good:

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Britain's 'Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire' and towards the end of the programme he had already won
£500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant, the show's
presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left
- phone a friend'.
Everything is riding on this question. will you go for it?' 'Sure' said
Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?'

A Sparrow
B Thrush
C Magpie
D Cuckoo

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick 'so I'll use me last lifeline and
phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'
Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris 'I'll go wit cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris.
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long, long pause then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink.
'Tell me Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that
doesn't build it's own nest?'

'Because he lives in a fookin clock!


Stanley

 

Not exactly a joke but definatly worth sharing

Subject: FW: This is mesmerizing

Unbelievable...quite long but definately worth watching! Perhaps they didn't have aTV at home??!
This is just mesmerizing, a definite must watch!

You have never seen anything like this...

A little background :

This woman was a contestant on " Ukraine 's Got Talent" last month. She
is standing behind a table which is covered with sand. The table is lit
from beneath.
There is an overhead camera above the table, and that video is being
projected onto the large screen behind her so that the audience can watch
what she is doing.
She is telling the story of one of the aerial bombings of Kiev during
World War II. You will see one of the famous monuments that stands in Kiev today commemorating those bombings.

Guess who won the competition?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=518XP8prwZo

Enjoy

Cheers
Derek

 

THE DOCTOR & THE MECHANIC
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic:

"Try doing it with the engine running..."

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
>
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
>
> Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
>
> The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

 

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't
know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and
feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving
them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely........
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

I heard the BEST joke in the world yesterday!!!

It was something about an anticlimax.

 

After Monday and Tuesday ....

even the calendar says

W T F.

€z

 

A nice little story about a man who went along to see a delightful female doctor for a medical. Afterwards he said that the Doc had told him to stop masturbating and when he asked why, she said. "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

 

I think I've already posted this somewhere but it might be worth repeating it here.....True story:

I had a rather touching email recently from a friend who drinks quite a lot, so much so that his wife finally ran out of patience and told him if he came home drunk again she was going to leave him. So he went out and drank quite a lot and threw up over himself and he told his friend who he was drinking with that he was finished if he went home. His friend told him to put twenty pounds in his inside jacket pocket and to tell his wife that someone had been sick all over him and gave him the money to pay for the dry cleaning bill.

He went home and his wife took one look at him and started to pack her bags and he said "No, no, no wait, this man threw up over me and he gave me this twenty pound note to pay for the dry cleaning" and she replied "Why are you holding two twenty pound notes?" and quick as anything he said, "Oh, yes the other one is from the man who shat in my pants..":drinks

 

A Scotsman, englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar.

Scotsman says, "I was in my daughter's room the other day and found a bottle of whiskey - I didn't even know she drank!"

Englishman says, "I was in my daughter's room the other day and found apacket of cigarettes - I didn't even know she smoked!"

Irishman says, "I was in my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of condoms - I didn't even know she had a penis!"

Robin

 

A group of 40-year-old friends discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

 

. . . Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .. . .

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over

twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and

width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure..

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,

what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.


She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies,

'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that:


1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic...'


The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,

I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.


My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

 

Love the jokes. have you got any more.

 

Just got this via e-mail.
========================
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

You know the drill. If you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too!

 

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

A UK squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."


Cheers
Derek

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch..

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology... You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.... He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is
delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day....

Cheers
Derek

 

Speaking of Parrots.

A woman is out walking one day, She walks past a pet shop, with a large sign in the window. Parrot 1 dollar. She thinks thats cheap I´ll check it out. Might be a nice surprise for the girls and for her husband when he gets home from his work trip.

She goes in and asks why the parrot is so cheap. The man behind the counter says that parrot used to be in (how to say this.....) a whore house. So it swears alot and talks with some pretty intersting sayings, but if you put the cover on the cage he is very quite.

The woman thinks that it might be abit of fun so buys the Parrot. The parrot starts up when she takes the cover offare you my new madam. are you my new madam

the women takes the parrot home.

Her 2 daughters get home 16-17 years old. The woman takes the cover off the parrot a big whistle pretty girls new girls make the madam lots of money, pretty girls big money

The gilrs and the women live with the parrot and think thats it is pretty funny and look forward to the dad getting home to show him the parrot.

The dad comes home the girls have the parrot covered and take it off when the man walks into the room. The woman says surprise and dad looks at the parrot and the parrot says

Hello Derek

 

Why are there no painkillers left in the jungle?

Cos the parrots-eat'm-all...

 

The Dead Cow and Vet School



First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

 

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada [FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]with my boss & several of his Friends​

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ....' ​

[/FONT]

 

I can't help but think that The Times newspaper should've picked a different reporter to cover this particular story:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

 

Well spotted that man - classic!

 

Oh my!

Should be thankful he chose journalism & not the priesthood I suppose

 

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight to Leeds . The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and
clogs' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game. The
Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says
that the game is a lot of fun.


'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5;
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the
lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to
the moon?'

The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.


He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman
up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with Yorkshiremen; we only talk different.

 

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers..

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

 

Maybe he should apply for a podiatry assistant job......

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore… Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Great! We'd like to have our wedding here!!!"